Ya'll ..I was doing the samething...I could not control my laughter. Everybody thought I was crying when I was just laughing so hard...so to keep you in stiches...try the attached picture...
Mike
jonsey
JoinedPosts by jonsey
-
6
Chili
by jonsey init's getting that time of the year when the weather is getting colder and it's time to make some our famous chili...i know some have seen this story and i thought i would pull it out for a great laugh!.
the chili story...enjoy!.
please take time to read this slowly.
-
-
-
129
Roll call time - What KH's have you attended.............
by Check_Your_Premises innaperville, dekalb, joliet......... il.
i tried to bump an old thread on this topic, but i couldn't find it.. anyone?
beuller?.
-
-
jonsey
Syracuse N.Y. / Buffalo (Cheektowaga and Lackawanna) / Lafeyette N.Y. / Central Square N.Y.
MJ
-
6
Chili
by jonsey init's getting that time of the year when the weather is getting colder and it's time to make some our famous chili...i know some have seen this story and i thought i would pull it out for a great laugh!.
the chili story...enjoy!.
please take time to read this slowly.
-
-
jonsey
It's getting that time of the year when the weather is getting colder and it's time to make some our famous chili...I know some have seen this story and i thought I would pull it out for a great laugh!
The Chili Story...enjoy!
Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first
two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you
who may have lived in Texas, you know how true this is!They actually
have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes
up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely
want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you
will be howling out loud. Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester
Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast
Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the
beer.
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. woman is starting
to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off? It really pissed me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *ss with a snow
cone!
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like sh*t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. -
155
I found this and am in total agreement. Feel free to answer the Questions.
by jw inregardless of how you feel about jehovah's organization--the true religion, one thing for sure, you will not escape the almighty jehovah's judgement right along with satan the devil and his destructive organization.
how will you save yourself and those who follow you...?
it's ashame that your energies could not be put to a more positive use.
-
-
jonsey
JW...you have to be &*%$# kidding me.
Regardless of how you feel about Jehovah's organization--the true religion, one thing for sure, you will not escape the Almighty Jehovah's judgement right along with Satan the devil and his destructive organization. How will you save yourself and those who follow you...? It's ashame that your energies could not be put to a more positive use. ...saving lives! Are you doing that now? ....Are you offering others hope?....direction? unity? Peace? Security? a futrue?
The bible speaks about individuals like yourself--who would speak against God's people, but You cannot mock Jehovah, whatever you are sowing you will reap....if you don't believe in Jehovah...who do you pray to now? He only listens to those that are busy doing his will, not those that are looking to glorify themselves....you really are following in your fathers' footsteps--Satan, the devil. Your articles have a lot of material, however, you fail to have scriptural backup.....how true can it be....when not one scripture is sighted!
Why do you care?...as far as you , the congregation, governing body and some of my family...I am already dead! As far as saving myself...I believe that Christ died for me. If there is something for me after this life...it's a bonus. I am greatful for the life I have and share that thought with all who I meet. As far as people like you...you are the ones who shun and keep people away. I embrace all who I meet...even you. It's a real shame that you put your sole trust into a printing company. By the way...I am doing well because of my new family and the family on this forum!
Peace
Mike
p.s. That felt good
-
64
Who has or has not been invited to the memorial?
by misspeaches inwell the memorial is tmrw night and time is running out to give out invitations.
(au time that is...) .
last night my mother asked me if i've heard from any of my old jw friends.
-
-
jonsey
It's funny that this topic came up...I spoke to my parents and brother all of three times since December. Mom called to tell me that she loved me. I know in her heart she was trying to invite me. Any other day I would say it was out of the blue. With this...I would call it par for the course! Don't get me wrong I love my parents.
Jonsey
-
26
upstate NewYork, anyone?
by annalice inhey everyone .
just wondering , anyone here from upstate new york?
-
-
jonsey
I lived in Syracuse at the time going to the Lafayette Hall. It was the mid eighties if I recall..
Jonsey
-
2
All that Witness potential
by mjarka911 ini just had an opportunity to donate to a friend's avon breast cancer walk and i was reading her reasons to get involved.
it made me think that not getting involved in charities was one of the things that never sat right with me when i was in the org.
but since then, i've loved donating and being active to help others.
-
-
jonsey
It's been great for me...I do the relay for life, MS walks and http://www.atlantabridal.com/gownsale/default.asp As a local mobile DJ in Atlanta...I have been able to give back to the communities. It is truly a great feeling. I will post the pictures from these events on www.mikesmobiledj.com The Breast Cancer Gown Sale is 4/14 to 4/15 and the MS walk in Atlanta is 4/22.
Jonsey
-
14
Oh it just gets better...
by mrsjones5 ini went to my mailbox, took out my mail, and what did i find?
a large envelope from my mother.
and guess what was inside?
-
-
jonsey
From one Jones to another...I would get the same thing only personally when my wife and I would make the visit to N.Y. My letter came in December from mom and some decisions she had to make..then did not talk since the letter until just last week and I think that it's a wrap. I was told "What else is there to talk about?" My brother did actually send me literiture, but it got tossed before it came in the house.
Jonsey
-
29
Songs that helped you through leaving the cult of JWs....
by Sirona intell us which songs helped you when you left....it might be something others choose to listen to.. one of mine:.
"i don't believe" by skunk anansie.
cold blood, broken smile that is all that i have to give.
-
-
jonsey
FRUITCAKES - JIMMY BUFFET
Fruitcakes
By: jimmy buffett, amy lee
1994
--spoken:
You know I was talking to my friend desdemona the other day she
Runs this space station and bake shop down near boomtown. she told
Me that human beings are flawed individuals. the cosmic bakers
Took us out of the oven a little too early. and that’s the
Reason we’re as crazy as we are and I believe it.
Take for example when you go to the movies these days, you know.
They try to sell you this jumbo drink, 8 extra ounces of watered
Down cherry coke for an extra 25 cents. I don’t want it.
I don’t want that much organziation in my life.
I don’t want other people thinking for me.
I want my junior mints. where did the junior mints go in the
Movies. I don’t want a 12 lb. nestle’s crunch for 25 dollars. i
Want junior mints.
We need more fruitcakes in this world and less bakers!
We need people that care! I’m mad as hell! and I don’t want to
Take it anymore!
Chorus:
Fruitcakes in the kitchen (fruitcakes in the kitchen)
Fruitcakes on the street (fruitcakes on the street)
Struttin’ naked through the crosswalk
In the middle of the week
Half-baked cookies in the oven (cookies in the oven)
Half-baked people on the bus (people on the bus)
There’s a little bit of fruitcake left in everyone of us
Paradise, lost and found
Paradise, take a look around
I was out in california where I hear they have it all
They got riots, fires, mud slides
They’ve got sushi in the mall
Water bars, brontasaurs, chinese modern lust
Shake and bake life with the quake
The secret’s in the crust
Chorus:
Fruitcakes in the kitchen (fruitcakes in the kitchen)
Fruitcakes on the street (fruitcakes on the street)
Struttin’ naked through the crosswalk
In the middle of the week
Half-baked cookies in the oven (cookies in the oven)
Half-baked people on the bus (people on the bus)
There’s a little bit of fruitcake left in everyone of us
--spoken:
Speakin’ of fruitcakes, how ’bout the government?
Your tax dollars at work.
We lost our martian rocket ship
The high paid spokesman said
Looks like that silly rocket ship
Has lost it’s cone shaped head
We spent 90 jillion dollars trying to get a look at mars
I hear universal laughter ringing out among the stars
Chorus:
Fruitcakes in the galaxy (fruitcakes in the galaxy)
Fuitcakes on the earth (fruitcakes on the earth)
Struttin’ naked towards eternity
We’ve been that way since birth
Half-baked cookies in the oven (cookies in the oven)
Half-baked people on the bus (people on the bus)
There’s a little bit of fruitcake left in everyone of us
--spoken:
Religion! religion! oh, there’s a thin line between saturday
Night and sunday morning. here we go now.
Alright, alter boys.
Mea culpa mea culpa mea maxima culpa
Mea culpa mea culpa mea maxima culpa
Where’s the church, who took the steeple
Religion is in the hands of some crazy-ass people
Television preachers with bad hair and dimples
The god’s honest truth is it’s not that simple
It’s the buddhist in you, it’s the pagan in me
It’s the muslim in him, she’s catholic ain’t she?
It’s the born again look it’s the wasp and the jew
Tell me what’s goin on, I ain’t gotta clue
--spoken:
Now here comes the big ones. relationships! we all got ’em, we
All want ’em. what do we do with ’em?
Here we go, I’ll tell ya.
She said you gotta do your fair share
Now cough up half the rent
I treat my body like a temple
You treat yours like a tent
But the right word at the right time
May get me a little hug
That’s the difference between lightning
And a harmless lightnin’ bug
Chorus:
Fruitcakes in the kitchen (fruitcakes in the kitchen)
Fruitcakes on the street (fruitcakes on the street)
Struttin’ naked through the crosswalk
In the middle of the week
Half-baked cookies in the oven (cookies in the oven)
Half-baked people on the bus (people on the bus)
There’s a little bit of fruitcake left in everyone of us
--spoken:
The future. captain’s log, stardate two thousand and something.
We’re seven years from the millenium
That’s a science fiction fact
Stanley kubrick and his buddy hal
Now don’t look that abstract
So I’ll put on my bob marley tape
And practice what I preach
Get jah lost in the reggae mon
As I walk along the beach
Stay in touch with my insanity really is the only way
Its a jungle out there kiddies
Have a very fruitful day
Hey.
Chorus:
Fruitcakes in the kitchen (fruitcakes in the kitchen)
Fruitcakes on the street (fruitcakes on the street)
Struttin’ naked through the crosswalk
In the middle of the week
Half-baked cookies in the oven (cookies in the oven)
Half-baked people on the bus (people on the bus)
There’s a little bit of fruitcake left in everyone of us
--spoken:
That’s right, you too. yeah those crumbs are spread all around
This universe. I’ve seen fruitcakes. I saw this guy in santa
Monica rollerskate naked through the crosswalk. down in new
Orleans in the french market there are fruitcakes like you cannot
Believe. new york, forget it. fruitcake city. down island, we’ve got
Fruitcakes. spread them crumbs around. that’s right, we want
’em around. keep bakin’ baby. keep bakin’.Jonsey
-
26
upstate NewYork, anyone?
by annalice inhey everyone .
just wondering , anyone here from upstate new york?
-
-
jonsey
born and raised in Syracuse...lived in Buffalo for 2 years...and now in Georgia for the last 17.
JOnsey