My heart goes out to all who have experienced this 'secondary loss' - the loss of one's faith in ordinary human compassion at a time when it is most needed. It adds such a burden when one is struggling just to put one foot in front of the other. It feels like betrayal to have your grief minimized - betrayal is defined as 'violation of a presumptive contract.' You presume a certain level of sensitivity in those closest to you, but until it is put to the test by tragedy it is just that - a presumption.
I lost my 24 year old son nearly 6 years ago. The things said and done I can't begin to recount, but it seems that, because people are at a loss for what to say, they are uncomfortable. And their discomfort begins to make them angry. They are conflicted because they can't very well show anger towards a grieving mother, though some do. Many just drift away and thus avoid dealing with it altogether.
Strangely, it can be those closest to you who cannot find it within themselves to sit with your grief and all its manifestations. Fortunately, there are others you might have least expected to be there for you, who come through.