I hated being a JW and put on an act from the age of 9-17. It appeared I was the good JW daughter of an elder and pioneer, but inside I dreamed of leaving and I did alot of things behind my parents back. To make something clear, when I look back, I was not a bad kid. The things I did behind my parents back had nothing to do with sex or drugs, I just wanted to normal kid stuff. At first, I was allowed to hang out with kids from school, but as I got older, those ties were cut off by my parents. I was not allowed to hang out with certain kids at the KH, in the org.
They were so strict, I never felt that I could stand up to them. I was beaten until I was almost 17 years old. What was I beat for? Or had 8 inches cut off my hair because my mother wanted to show me some humility? Because I took clothes my parents bought me and hid them in my school bag, and changed at school. A JW told on me, that I went to school with, a year later he murdered his parents. There was no comfort during my teens, just 100% lack of understanding.
I also had to sit between my parents at meetings. I felt smothered 100% during my teens. I finally decided to be a good JW to avoid the grief and humiliation. Then I made my plan to escape, I left on a Monday while I was a regular pioneer, went out in service all day, said "see you at home, mom", and I never went back. Sure, my parents had me come meet with them, but I sat there in the middle of the night for 3 hours listening to them share scriptures from the bible while I sat there in silence. I felt very sorry for them and despite what they put me through, I still loved them. But, I had to leave in a cold way otherwise I would have given into them. That was the only time I ever stood up to them, that is why it was probably so shocking, I never felt I could talk to them about how I felt. When I tried, I was just beat down.
The good news is, my mom is no longer a JW, we did not see or speak to each other for 8 years, I am so thankful to have her back in my life. I feel bad for her, because when we talk, I can hear the guilt in her voice, and I always tell her, its OK, the past was the past. As for my father, he is still a die hard JW, have not spoke with him since Oct 1992, and I wonder if he will look back on his life and wonder if it was fulfilling? Dad, you go ahead and keep living that life, I want no part of it. Frankly, I think this org made you mentally ill.
Nikki
