Hi Fred,
do you ever go outside? get some sunshine? feel the air on your face? or is that not allowed the elders cant be by your side 24/7 having holy spirit being poured into you....
Because from the sound of your post, it sounds like you are on serious lockdown, and are only permitted to speak and associate with elders and your mother, and no one else.
I picture you in your room, with your WT publications and your NWT, all alone, or with the company of the same 3 elders. Sounds like a happy life to me.
Why do I care? Good question, guess I find it odd that someone with your obvious intelligence would choose to punish themselves for the rest of their lives in the hopes that they may find some peace of mind. You are not that little boy anymore, Fred. You do not have to keep beating yourself up. Who are You, is right. It is the JW way, not God's.