I was raised in the borg from aged 2-onward. I believed very deeply in Jehoveh, faith, prayer, the Bible (well the dub concepts of such things). I did have many questions and like a good dubbie I forced them out of my mind. The turning point for me was when my mother died in 2000. She was ill with cancer and it caused her kidneys to fail. We had a nightmare her final 16 hours. The hospital would not admit mom as a patient (she was kept in the emergency room) because they would not admit mom, they would not give her any pain drugs. We begged and pleaded with the ER personel to do something to ease her suffering, but all they would say is that mom was in a coma and couldn't feel anything. Mom was not in a coma and she kept pleading with us to do something about her pain. All my sibs but one was a dub at the time and even he was praying for Jehovah to put her out of her misery. We knew she was dying, we didn't ask for a miraculous recovery only an end to her suffering. Mom had been a faithful dub I would like to add. When mom finally died later that day (we finally were able to get her admitted and get her dosed with morphine so she was able to have a peaceful final hour), I was questioning how an all-powerful, all-mighty god could watch mom suffer as she was and not intercede when it was nothing for him to take her life. Her suffering served no purpose for her or the rest of the family (as one friend told me when I spoke of this). That lead me down a trail of how a loving god could watch any of the suffering going on and let it continue when he has the means to fix it right now. The answers given by the dubs no longer provided me comfort.
Flash forward to my being booted from the borg. I was in agony (I did wrong, was repentant to the point of wanting to die, and was booted out unceremoniiously) and decided I just didn't care about god anymore. That was a lie though, as I still carried with me deeply rooted beliefs. I still believed in Jehovah, the Bible, faith, and prayer. I made the decision that I would never go back to the borg even if that meant signing my death warrant at Armaggedon. With that decision came the freedom to speak freely about religion, to really listen to people about their beliefs, to read books on other religions, science, and everything in between. I became ambivalent about religion. Then I met my boyfriend. He had been as deeply involved in his Baptist faith as I had been with the dubs. He was a deacon of his church and a missionary in Israel. He knows the Bible better than anyone I have ever encountered. He is also now an atheist. His deeper study into the Bible, coupled with his Jewish background and intensive study of the Hebrew language led him to that point. He and I would have friendly arguments about the Bible and God in the beginning of our relationship. I started to see the rationale of his views and the huge holes in the very foundation of Christian beliefs.
I arrived at the place I am at (agnostic/atheist--I am not sure if there is a creator but really don't care either) after about 6 months of conversations with my boyfriend. I realized how I spent the majority of my life looking ahead to a future while barely acknowledging the present. I am much happier today than I ever was in dub-land. I enjoy each day as its own. I frankly don't care how someone believes (although I would dearly love if my still-in dubbie relatives would come to their senses). I have friends who are deeply religious and I have friends who are atheists. I listen with respect to their beliefs and vice versa. We may not understand why the other feels the way they do, but we get along.
Thanks for starting the thread NC--you always have interesting comments to make.
