If I'm bashing then I guess I need to for awhile. I've felt worthless, abused, and mislead for too long to not make a stand. It isn't an easy thing, though, as I'm still nervous of making my views known on my regular blog. It's kind of funny, I guess, but I still feel like I have something to be ashamed of and I need to get over that.
Abandoned
JoinedPosts by Abandoned
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Apostates/ex-jw's do you think that you are "addicted" to JW's-bashing?
by booker-t inif your best friend constantly bashed her ex-husband to you daily would you go nuts and tell her to move on with her life?
most people would probably say yes!
but why can't apostates and ex-jws do the same with the watchtower society?
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Feeling very down right now.
by jakes infriends!.
today has been one of those days for me.feeling very down and depressed.. finding out that you were living a lie for so long can be devastating to many.
i will however pick myself up again.
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Abandoned
Jakes,
Good luck keeping free from people who place requirements on their kindness and association. Good luck with your book too. I'll keep my eyes open for info on when it's available. I envy you in a way. I've kept SO MANY of my feeling locked up for so long because I was convinced that my thoughts were proof that I was as evil as the jw convinced me I was and that I deserved to be hated by both "satan's world" and "god's organization." Well, I'm preaching to the choir here (pun intended) but to finally be able to release that pent up frustration. To finally take the steps to becoming healed instead of fearing that any steps I take are just further proof of what an evil person I am has given me strength. Anyway, to do that as a book must be even more liberating and to have the opportunity to help many people escape the cult is awesome.
Good for you. :-)
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The Great Day of Jehovah is NEAR!!!!!!
by Gill inthe year's text for 2007 is from zepheniah 1:14:.
'the great day of jehovah is near.
as usual 'near', 'soon', 'approaching'.....blah blah etc...... watchtower dec 15th 2006.
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Abandoned
If I hear one more conversation that contains both the words "love" and "destruction" from these hypocrites, I think I'm going to scream.
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To Benefit the Lurkers and Newbies - tell your story again!!
by AK - Jeff ina nice grouping of stories regarding our time in and exit from the borg would aid all the newcomers here.. how about a paragraph or two [the condensed versions] of how we all found ourselves here today?.
jeff .
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Abandoned
My story? OK, here's the short version - I'm a sucker.
Long version? OK, why not?
I was raised a lutheran. I remember learning about hell and job and I remember stealing some matchbox cars from the hardware store when I was about eight or nine. I prayed to god to please not send me to hell and I'd try to do better. I did. When I was nineteen, I joined the army. I was engaged to my first wife and I was worried about being able to support a family. In the army, I married my wife. She joined the air force and so we spent our first six months of married life separated. This took its toll on our relations and so I prayed to god to tell me what I should do. I sent twenty bucks to jimmy swaggart and ran around fayetteville, nc looking for a church that could help me see how I could improve my situation with my wife.
A friend of mine was studying with the watchtower at the time and invited me to his bible study. I remember how excited about all the things I was learning and I eventually requested to be discharged from the army as a conscientious objector. It took six months, but I did win an honorable discharge, but because I was a conscientious objector, I lost the college money that I was promised. It went from thirty thousand to nothing over night, but as those "in the truth" I'm sure can attest, I viewed it as a worthwhile sacrifice to find out about the one true god.
I continued to study and my wife wanted nothing to do with studying or by extension, me. She left me and that was that. The witnesses tried to cheer me up by telling me how happy god was with me by choosing him rather than my wife. I was making big points with the big guy and well, that's big. Anyway, a few months before I was released from the army, I found that I had intense feelings of worthlessness and loss over losing my wife. I ended up attempting suicide twice in september of 1988. I was released in december and went to live with my sister in texas. She and her husband let me live with them for very little rent.
In 1990, i started feeling guilty that I wasn't doing more to tell god how much I loved him and so I decided to go visit a local kingdom hall. I started studying again and became very arrogant to my sister who because she loved me didn't kick me out on my butt like I deserved. She let me stay with her for about eight months more. I was babtised in july and started auxilliary pioneering in august. I was accepted as a regular pioneer in february of 1991 and a ministerial servant in march of 1991. I gave up my job at jc penney and took one as a roofer with a brother so I would have more time to dedicate to service and to going to help build the assembly hall at denton, tx.
During this whole time I had a problem of a personal, sexual nature. I had been married and was accostomed to sex, but I was still suffering strong feelings of inferiority from the divorce my first wife handed me in 1989. I met a couple sisters who I was attracted to, but for some reason I could never ask them out on dates and I thought about sex a lot. Well, my way of taking this situation into my own hands made me feel guilty as well and I began to lose my zeal. Because I was making less money at my new job, I couldn't afford the apartment I got when my sister kicked me out. It turned out that an elderly man of the congregation needed someone to take care of him after his wife died so he allowed me to stay in his house for free and I cooked and cleaned for him. It turned out good, but even though he was in his eighties, he remarried and his new wife didn't like me living there for free. She was convinced I was stealing from him, or so she said, and I had to find a new place to live. I found a place, but I was depressed all the time.
Then one day, I found an ad for a used computer. When I started studying in 1990, I gave my computer to my brother-in-law when some of the "friends" warned me about how computers were tools of satan. I realized how much I missed programming and so I bought the used computer and found that I wasn't depressed when I was programming. I wrote a lot of programs in QuickBasic that helped me deal with my depression. In march 1992, I started smoking again. The guilt of the computer and of my taking care of my sexual needs myself and of not preaching like I was supposed to left me feeling worthless.
In july of 1992, I realized that I was condemned and that god could never love me so I left a box full of watchtower literature on the front step of the kingdom hall, loaded up my car, and moved to california. I headed out to california because I had always wanted to see it and I guess I figured that drowning in the ocean would be a good way for an evil sinner like mysef to die. I found myself homeless and lost my car but I never could get up the courage to kill myself. I walked from san francisco down to los angeles and then down to san clemente.
Sitting at the pier in san clemente and reading a book, i was approached by a man who told me that I looked like I needed help. I told him i did and he told me about a place called glen haven where alcoholics and drug addicts could go and get help to free themselves of their demons. I told the man that I didn't have a problem with drugs or alcohol, but he told me to go visit them anyway as maybe they'd help me out. I guess I was looking pretty ragged and haggard. Anyway, I went to the place he mentioned and told them my story. I made sure they realized that I wasn't an alcoholic as I didn't want to take advantage of them. I don't know if they thought I was in denial or believed me, but they agreed to let me live there for one month. If I wanted to stay there any more, I had to find a job and pay some rent. It was the best deal going so I took it and set about walking up and downt he streets of san clemente looking for work. With the help of a change of clothes from a local thrift shop, I managed to secure a job at a local 7-eleven. That was august 1992. I was made the assistant manager in november 1992. In january 1994, I bought a brand new car and in february 1994 i started working full time for a training company as a computer consultant. Things were looking up.
I was still too insecure to find a girlfriend though. Any time I'd encounter someone I was interested in, I would be overcome with feelings of insecurity and doubt - so much so, that I wasn't able to date. In 1995, a friend of mine from mexico invited me down to tijuana. He said I could find someone there that would be interested in me. I was desperate so I went with him and I met my second wife. We dated for two years and finally married after she received a visitor's visa to the united states. I found a larger apartment a short walk from the beach in dana point, california and we set about submitting the paperwork necessary for her to become a permanent united states citizen.
Things were going good until she enrolled in a class for english as a second language. She'd met this guy in the class who made me feel nervous. I don't know what exactly it was, but something about the way he acted around my wife made me suspicous that something was going on. I mentioned something about it and she came to his defense which of course made me more suspicious. In march of 1998, she went to chiapas, mexico to visit her family. We hadn't been getting along the greatest and I have to admit I was glad to have a break from the tension. But, while she was gone I decided to visit a kingdom hall again. I started studying again, That was april of 1998. In may, I flew down to chiapas to meet my wife's family and to fly back with her to tijuana. On may 10th, mother's day, we went to cross from mexico into the united states. The border guard that examined my wife's passport became suspicous of us and refused to let her cross into the country. He told us that we had two options: they could take her into custody and she could see a judge in a month or so or she could sign this form canceling her request for citizenship and go back to mexico.
I prayed to god and decided to have her sign the form because I was afraid to leave her in the custody of the immigration officials. I didn't trust them at all. Anyway, as it turned out, the form she signed gave up her right to become an immigrant for ten years. I tried to hire a lawyer, but I couldn't afford the five to ten thousand dollars I was quoted from the various immigration lawyers I talked to. I tried writing letters to the president, the congressman, oprah, and anyone else I could think of. The only reply I received was from a congressmen informing me that I had sent it to the wrong one. She told me who my congressmen was and told me to send it to him instead.
I became discouraged and I decided to move to mexico so I could take care of my wife. I quit my job in january 1999. In february 1999, I started working for the same company but with a different contract and no money being taken out for taxes. I was worried about whta kind of trouble I would be getting in with the irs, but I figured I needed to trust in jehvovah and all would be well. A lot happened in the following years. Her family began to think I was cheating on her because I was staying nights in the united states. At first I was driving between orange county and tijuana daily to go to work and back again, but after a couple years, that began to wear me out so I would get a motel when I had to work the next day. They thought I was cheating on her and even though she at first defended me, she eventually came to believe it too and left me in january of 2004. I considered it a blessing at the time and moved back to minnesota.
Now, I fight a daily battle of worthlessness and depression. I owe the irs more money than I make in two years. I am way below the poverty line and have two companies trying to garnish my wages, which because I'm working a minimum wage job, they aren't able to take much.
Every time I have set foot into a kingdom hall I've paid for it in spades. I was told my the "friends" that these were attacks from satan and to think about how happy jehovah was with me for putting up with these attacks and remaining faithful. I think about the thirty thousand dollars college money I would have had if I hadn't left the army for religious reasons. I wonder about the problem I got in with the irs over quitting my job to try to take care of people that I never could count as dependents since neither my wife, her mom, or her kids (by other men) ever received a ssn or tin.
Most people don't believe my story because it's too incredible. The people I talk to at the irs think I'm trying to scam them. OH yeah, I'm trying to maintain my high-falooting lifestyle, living in a trailer court and making a dollar over minimum wage. Oh yeah, I've got a huge scam. Anyway, I know I've made a lot of bad decisions over the course of my lifetime and I guess I've allowed myself to focus on my feelings of worthlessness instead of having faith, but looking back, running through the things I've experienced in my mind, I can't help but wonder why I feel so abandoned. I guess I'm just unappreciative or ungrateful or something, but I feel kind of cheated that every sacrifice I made for kingdom interests has come to bite me in the butt. I guess I don't feel that there's a friend looking out for my best interests.
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What's the worst injury or sickness you have seen participate at a meeting?
by RULES & REGULATIONS ini once went to a 2 day assembly with 4 wisdom teeth pulled the day before.my gums were bleeding but i stayed at the assembly with gauze inside my mouth and rinsing my mouth every 10 minutes.a brother had major back operation a couple of days before but he made to the assembly laying on a mattress in the back of the hall for 2 days.wow!
we thought we were zealous.now i look back and see how stupid we were.
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Abandoned
One important thing about zealousness that gets left out of the service meeting is how selfish it is. You get the chance to show that YOUR dedication to god is more sincere than that moraless slug sitting next to you. Instead of recuperating at home like one of the spiritually weak, you can go parade your faithfulness around in front of everyone else. It's a nice feel good moment - and about as far from brotherly love as you can get while still wearing a suit and a smile.
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What are some personal truths you now believe in after leaving the WT?
by lovelylil inthese are things i hold as personally true for me:.
1) there is no religion today that has the only truth about god.
2) the bible contains truths for christians but other religions have books that contain truth for them.
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Abandoned
I don't have faith that the bible is from god. Or if it is from god, then god isn't anyone worth knowing. The bible is full of things that while not outright contradictions, can be twisted in various ways. Every religion that uses the bible is able to find proof for their widely differing doctrine by using this same book. Most wars have been fought over whose interpretation of some inane passage is correct and whose is blasphemy.
Now, I ask you. If you were the author of a book to tell people what you expected of them and you saw two people, both claiming to be your friend arguing over one particulary point, wouldn't you go over and set them straight? If you were all knowing, wouldn't you write it in such a way that it couldn't be misinterpreted in the first place? Unless of course you WANTED people to be mislead and have the means to mislead each other. If that was god's intention, I don't want a thing to do with him. I know some people who are emotionally disturbed that would never play that mind game on people they claimed to love. No, if the bible is from anyone, it's from an evil god. Or at least a malicious one.
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Hypothetical ? for u. What if armageddon really did come...
by *jeremiah* inok, here's a hypothetical that i'm curious about.. what if armageddon really did happen?
not necessarily according to jw terms or timetable, but at some point it happens in your lifetime.
would any of you return to the jws?.
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Abandoned
Thanks Jimbo. I appreciate the encouragement. I feel so abused it makes me ill a lot of the time. Not many people realize as I am very good at maintaining a smile, but that was a form of survival I guess.
I just read something else that has always bothered me...
Steam made the following comment: "God's Justice demands that a sinner must die." If god is so just, why did he involve all the rest of us in his little petty fight with Satan? When I have a problem with someone, I don't surreptitiously involve all of my friends and acquaintances, and make cause them to suffer.
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My Ex is suicidal, apparently
by dmouse insome of you might remember my story from years ago - how i became an 'apostate' which effectively ended my marriage of 20 years.
how my wife subjected me to intense psychological abuse when i left 'the truth'.. my son ben, whom i love deeply, left when he was dragged into the back room and told he was being used by satan to corrupt the congregation (he was only15) because he was gay.. my dearest middle daughter charlotte, who has more common sense than all of us put together, 'left' on her 14th birthday.
she was dragged out of the house in her bare feet to be taken to the meeting, and because i intervened i spent the next year on a camp bed in the front room.. in the end, i could not stand the abuse and left.
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Abandoned
I feel for what you're going through. Having been suicidal most of my adult life, mostly due to how ugly I feel like in god's eyes, I can only tell you that I hope the best for you and your children. I sure can't say I understand why situations like this come about, but there's still some part of me that hopes that one day all this crap will make sense. Here's a *HUGE HUG*.
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Support Groups
by Abandoned insay, sorry to bother, but does anyone know of any non-religious support groups for ex jw in the rochester, minnesota area?.
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Abandoned
Say, sorry to bother, but does anyone know of any non-religious support groups for EX JW in the Rochester, Minnesota area?
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Hypothetical ? for u. What if armageddon really did come...
by *jeremiah* inok, here's a hypothetical that i'm curious about.. what if armageddon really did happen?
not necessarily according to jw terms or timetable, but at some point it happens in your lifetime.
would any of you return to the jws?.
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Abandoned
First time poster here. I've been reading for a couple months and disasociated since 2001 or so.
Anyway, this is one of the biggest issues for me. My understanding from studying with the WT is that Armageddon's going to come to catch everyone by surprise. This has always bothered me. Rather than appreciate any love and loyalty shown he is lying in wait to catch as many as he can. Rather than read the heart and know who loves him, the WT teaches that god is going to use armageddon to both lock up satan and trap those who only are pretending to love him.
I have a hard time drawing close to someone who is still deciding if he's going to destroy me. I have a hard time dedicating my life to someone who would let me fall away due to being mislead as opposed to willfully wanting to fall away. According to the WT, I can serve god my whole life, with a heart filled with love and appreciation and still fall short because I was mislead. I can't tell you how much I hate the god that the WT introduced me to and how messed up my life STILL IS due to having wasted many yearst THINKING I WAS SERVING HIM.
Tom