Thinking about just giving it up....I always revert back to a nightly habit.....and the occasasinal Big Escape into the bottle. But of course you can't live there, and it fixes nothing.
Because I think I do have a problem, I went to some AA meetings and found them to be too much like WT. If alcholism is a true disease, then why is it the only one that needs God (or a higher power to cure (or cope with). I have never had any problem quitting, side effects or anything, even when quitting for a year 4 years ago. But being just a social drinker or always being moderate is difficult for me, and I tend to use it as a pain killer....and I do have pain to kill. My higer power may still be out there, I have just not heard from him in a long, long, time.......as in never.......................oompa
Dearest Oompa,
When I first read your post, I felt so much empathy for you and wanted to share my experience with you, but as I read all of the posts and realized that most people who are posting do not believe in God, I wavered. I do not want to push my belief in God on anyone.However, I just know that He has saved me from many terrible situations and drinking is one of them. I cannot attribute my quitting to anyone else, so here goes:
Let me share my drinking life: I was a Jehovah's Witness from the time my folks started studying in 1938 (I was willing baptized, by my own desire) when I was 10 years old) until I started having doubts in 1983. During our life as JWs drinking became a big part of it. We drank on nights when there were no meetings, we drank after service and after meetings. We planned our days around drinking. We drank ahead of parties so we wouldn't be seen as drunks and there has been the occasion when I stole someone elses drink, I am ashamed to admit. I never thought I was an alcoholic.
I realized I had a drinking problem in about 1981 when I lost an afternoon. We were at the home of our drinking buddies (elder and his wife) He was mixing screwdrivers with a sweet powdered mix and I was hypogylcemic.(deadly combination for me - sugar and alcohol) When we got ready to go home, I realized I did not know what had gone on for most of the day. It was a total blank! I had lost more than half a day. I asked my husband how I had acted and he said "normal". Since he had been drinking heavily too, I am not sure what that meant. However, it was at that time that I realized that I had to stop. BUT I COULD NOT!!! I had prayed to Jehovah and that was not helping. I did not know why. I tried will power. That did not work. I could not go to a counselor or to AA because that would be turning to the world, which the WT strongly denounced. My husband being an elder, I could not go against their mandates.
I was desperate! What could I do? I had read in the Old Testament that a person could make a vow to Jehovah. But I realized that if I did, I could not break it. What if I couldn't keep it and then I would be condemned by Jehovah. I tried everything and when I came up empty, I knew I had to take the chance. So I made a vow not to drink for a week. I figured I could handle that. And my reasoning was that if I didn't drink for a week maybe the alcohol would clear out and I would be able to drink reasonably. I did not realize even then that I was an alcoholic. After the week I went back to drinking just as I had before, after one drink, it led to another and another. I never was a stumbling drunk because my hypoglycemia alway made me pass out before I reached that point. To make a long story a little shorter I lengthened the time that I would vow not to drink until I got to the point I figured I could handle a year and surely after a year, I would be able to drink sensibly (yeah, right).
It was our anniversary right after my year was up and we went to dinner and I drank so much that I vomited in the parking lot. This was so humiliating, I was so disgusted with myself that I immediately vowed not to drink for another year. At the end of that year I told my husband, I am not going to drink again. He told me don't vow, just don't drink. Because I knew that in the OT a husband could disanull a vow, I said OK, but in my heart I vowed for another year and felt that I would never drink again. I never did. I have been sober for 27 years and today, I can taste (I said taste, not drink) a sip of champagne for a toast, or taste my daughter's drink, but I have no desire to drink!!! But I know if I let down my guard and have one beer, one glass of wine or a mixed drink, I am in danger of being back in my same old pattern.
Oompa, you said "I am thinking", I think". You do not sound ready to make the total committment it takes to stop drinking. You have to be willing to do what it takes. God did not miraculously deliver me, but he gave me the tools to quit. I know this route is not for most people, even today, I would not go this way, but I felt I had no choice at the time. You have to be desperate enough to find whatever can help you. If you are not willing to go to AA "because they are too much like the WT" you are not ready yet. I do not hear the cry for help that all alcoholics get to when they are ready. Maybe you have to lose a day or get in an accident or have your liver fail before you are ready.
Each of us comes to the point when we have had enough.
You have had a lot of good advice, now it is up to you.
I love you and feel for your dilemna.
Velta
