Dear Loubelle,
You said it. It is trying, trying, trying without things coming around AND a sense that our own poor decisions have put us there that eats away at hope.
Do you hear how many of us have done that? We wish we were all close to you, physically right now.
For a flash I wished you were a drinker so you could go to AA meetings :) where you are surrounded by others who have your struggles in life too.
You hang on, we can feel how wonderful you are even if we are not in the same room. I have been in your shoes too. Joy can come back.