Posts by jocettejane

47

jwd confusion in relationship... help

by jocettejane in

i'm having a difficult time with my recently announced fiance.

he happens to be a jwd.

i am not, nore ever have been.

jocettejane

Thanx you everyone again. My guy and I are communicating much better now. He's always been really good to me about everything we do together, which is probably why this problem has been so baffling to me. He and I are always in tune with each other and each others feelings, ei. when he's happy, then i'm happy, and vice versa. But when one of us is sad, the whole world turns gray, it's been gloomy for a while. I never could understand why he couldn't agree with me on things that had any affiliation with his experiences as an xjw. I thought that if it sucked so bad and it happened such a long time ago and he's worked so hard to get away from all that and forget, then it would motivate him to continue forward, not become emmersed angry and sad all over again. He really is a great guy. He really is the only guy for me.

47

jwd confusion in relationship... help

by jocettejane in

i'm having a difficult time with my recently announced fiance.

he happens to be a jwd.

i am not, nore ever have been.

jocettejane

Thanx evryone for their advice and comments. I know the original was very one sided, but yes it was of MY feelings on the issue and i'm glad that from this thread my guy and I were able to discuss what to do about it. Things are much better today. I feel as if this great weight had been lifted off of the shoulders of our relationship.

47

jwd confusion in relationship... help

by jocettejane in

i'm having a difficult time with my recently announced fiance.

he happens to be a jwd.

i am not, nore ever have been.

jocettejane

sweet said: Do you have a psych degree and can analyze his actions and give him sessions and exercises to help him get over his issues? Even if you do, he's not asking for help. Have you ever tried to feed a chicken shit sandwich to someone who refuses to eat it? The end result is not a good one

-------do you think I should just try to ignore it cuz he's not asking for help? stop praying for him? go on with my life and activities while he continues to wallow? we're usually together on everything and I guess I feel left out of the reasons that he gives me about his past for all this pain that he and I feel now........I want to move on in the relationship...... that means with him

47

jwd confusion in relationship... help

by jocettejane in

i'm having a difficult time with my recently announced fiance.

he happens to be a jwd.

i am not, nore ever have been.

jocettejane

Anyone else have anything to say? C'mon peoples, I really want to know if there is some way to help him.....

47

jwd confusion in relationship... help

by jocettejane in

i'm having a difficult time with my recently announced fiance.

he happens to be a jwd.

i am not, nore ever have been.

jocettejane

Dave said: Perhaps it would help if you told us why you love this man? What is your relationship based on? I understand that love defies description, but can you personalize him and your relationship a bit?

------I don't know what to say first, I don't want to give away too many things about him because I know he frequents this site. He's the one who told me to come here in the first place. I did say "I've changed thngs about myself just to make him feel better, to make things easier for him, and I knoe he's don the same for me in many ways and I love him and thank him for those things. " We do a lot for each other, but "this", we haven't always seen eye to eye on. I'll just say that he's very special to me and that I want to stop the pain from his past from constantly keeping us from movng forward. There's many details and examples, but I don't want to lay them out here. Our relationship is based on being together about everything..... but "this" I haven't been able to help him out of yet. I've tried everything I know how to do to get his mind off of it or to help him see things a little more worldly and not just tell me that he doesn't understand because he was df'd. I want him to tell me he'll try to understand and make the efforts to do it. I didn't know if he could so that's why I'm asking for help.

Dave said: So to avoid just hearing "leave him, leave him" from everyone, it might be useful to know why you're NOT leaving him. This isn't a jedi mind trick to get you to see he's not worth keeping -- I assume he IS worth keeping. This stems from a conversation I had with a friend who's always complaining about her boyfriend. Today she happened to mention something nice he did for her. I told her it was good to hear something positive about him, so she went on to relate more and more. Turns out I only ever hear the bad stuff, so I had a very unbalanced view of her relationship. Now I "get" why she stays with him.

If you don't want to share, don't. No pressure. I'm just asking.

Dave

------Jocette said: "I want to progress in the relationship, not go backwards...........what do I do?"

Everyone's telling me leave him and making him feel really bad right now while he's reading this..... which is not the desired effect here since he respects you all

47

jwd confusion in relationship... help

by jocettejane in

i'm having a difficult time with my recently announced fiance.

he happens to be a jwd.

i am not, nore ever have been.

jocettejane

Dave said: When you cry out for help with a relationship, it's because something is bad. You describe the bad thing, and that's pretty much all the listener knows about. Given what they know, they say, "Run! Get out of that relationship!" ------eek, that's what I've been reading, But I don't want to leave him for "this"..... I want to help him get over "this"..... I want to help his pain stop. Then hopefully my pain will stop too.... over "this", not through with, just over with.

47

jwd confusion in relationship... help

by jocettejane in

i'm having a difficult time with my recently announced fiance.

he happens to be a jwd.

i am not, nore ever have been.

jocettejane

brinjen: I thought maybe it's the "you couldn't possibly know what I've been through you've never..." type guilt trip. -------no, it's not a guilt trip thing. it feels like that sometimes but then I catch myself and remind myself that none of that applies to me. which then hurts more because it's affected me by that time already and goes against my beliefs of allowing another religion to do so.

47

jwd confusion in relationship... help

by jocettejane in

i'm having a difficult time with my recently announced fiance.

he happens to be a jwd.

i am not, nore ever have been.

jocettejane

Thanx Dave for your extensive advices -Your boyfriend was raised a JW, but was never baptized. -----raise jw, but I'm not sure about the baptized thing, I think he was

-He "knows it's the true religion" but isn't living up to its standards, and it's killing him. -----he says he doesn't believe anymore

-He's getting pressure from his parents to "serve Jehovah properly". -----that's an always thing

-You're considering becoming a JW too, to help him become one, so you can both be happy. ------I want him to be happy

>> This goes against everything I've ever believed, but if my man is going to continue like this, I feel I need to help him remedy. Should change for him?

His suffering is coming from trying to live a life contrary to the teachings of Jehovah's Witnesses, while still believing those teachings are correct. You would help him much more by helping him to see those errors, than by becoming a JW yourself. But you can't just show him a bunch of cold facts that refute their teachings -- it just doesn't work that way. If you're interested in helping him in this way, look around this forum for information on helping a JW husband or wife break free. You could start here: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/32/77159/1.ashx

Dave -------Thanx Dave, how do I haelp him see the errors? and I went to that site, but I haven't found one that is comparable yet....

47

jwd confusion in relationship... help

by jocettejane in

i'm having a difficult time with my recently announced fiance.

he happens to be a jwd.

i am not, nore ever have been.

jocettejane

Ok... thanx everyone for the posts.

He was raised jw and got disfellowshipped when he was a teenager.

Now he's reeming me over the phone on his work break because he's saying that I said some bad stuff about him in the post when all I wanted was help for our relationship. For him.

Now he threatening to break up rather than help our relationship by me coming here to get help.

I love him and I don't wanna lose him.....but now he's putting this all on me.

47

jwd confusion in relationship... help

by jocettejane in

i'm having a difficult time with my recently announced fiance.

he happens to be a jwd.

i am not, nore ever have been.

jocettejane

Hi y'all

I'm having a difficult time with my recently announced fiance. He happens to be a jwd. I am not, nore ever have been. We fell in love over a second and we've been together for a few years now and it's been fun and extremely hard too. When it's good it's good, but always shortlved, and when things hit the fan it's worse than the problems before and we are stuck with them for what seems like an eternity. And here's the kicker, there were solutions where all of it could have been prevented or damage lessened. But I get the jwd excuse. I used to understand and just console. Now I can't stop cry all day and hope he doesn't see it when he gets home. I know I probably should have asked for advice years ago, but what the hell did I know about jwd, nothing.... I thought it'd resolve on its own, not get worse. He promised me it'd get better many times. I didn't know he'd continually use jwd as an excuse and not take responisibility for himself for the hurt he causes the relationship. If it is the jw thing that's the cause of all ths 'd rather take it to supremem court and burn all of 'em book studyin' hypocrites.

I love him very much and I want to spend the rest of my lfe wth this wonderful man that I know I'll never find again, even in the next galaxy over. I know he's perfect for me, disregard what his jw mum told me. I am thankful every day for him. It's getting really hard to stay in love with him. I've sucked it up after every defeat we've had, every blow we had to our hearts, spirits and pocketbooks, and looked past all the hard stuff we're still going through and will continue to go through until things are finally helped to resolved, though it was flukin' hard because even after fighting things that were thrown our way from his past, it ruined us, tore us to shreds and gave us great heartache, but he makes a jwd excuse for every big mistake he's ever made during our relationship, or blames an annoyance he has with my family just to point a finger. All my family's ever done was try to help us, give us places to live, food, money, company and advice on our futures. He's always mades it seem like they're all against him. They just want what's best for "us" and our little family. When something goes wrong from my end, I try to resolve it by myself before ever bringing it to him because I don't want him to have to think about more stuff we can't handle. Is this selfish of me?

I like to help his family and go wth him to his family things and I try to help out as much as possible because I realize how much they're losing to give him to me becaue I'm the one who lovs him, no matter how much he doesn't see it. I know he helps my family a little too, but he complains about them afterwards. It makes me feel bad and embarassed. I don't ever want him to feel that way about his family. He's pushed my family away (whch to me feels like he's pushng me away) so many times and I've defended him over being jwd, that my family's asked me to talk to him about accepting himself into tha family already, they don't care he's jwd, they just want to make sure we'e happy together. They've never asked him to change his personal or religious beliefs or made him feel guilty about being jwd. They want to understand him and help him. He pushes his mother away too when all she wants to do is forget the past and move on.... she's still very much an active jw and she just lost her husband, so I understand if he doesn't want to get too close to mums. But I also understand if he wants to get closer.

He mourns for his father, but I think he mourns the father he used to know.... the awesome man with the vibrant woman whom took their children under wing until someone sabotaged the straps on his basket...... It's really hard for him to forget the betrayl. I don't ever want him to forget his good father. I want him to forgive himself for not being the son his parents wanted him to be, and to be proud that he stood up for himself and tried to make something better example for humankind. I really hate that they expected so much out of him. I hate that they're the foundation of this problem. And I hate that they still rub it in his face. it feels like they're rubbing it in mine too.

*sobs* ........ I'm at the end of my rope..... I've changed thngs about myself just to make him feel better, to make things easier for him, and I knoe he's don the same for me in many ways and I love him and thank him for those things. I've given this man everything I ever had and gotten on my own in this world and was proud of and I gave it all up willingly for us... for him, for our family that I loved with all my heart and was proud of and cry over every day, but we lost due to jealousy and greed, also a mistake he blames of jwd.......I feel it's never going to be enough no matter how much I give him of me and I feel all he's ever given me was love attached to jwd excuses and more heartache.... heartache I've never thought I'd feel on a day to day basis that makes me cry when I go to bed and cry when I wake up for the last two years+.

I can't tell him any of this because I feel that I shouldn't worry him with my feelings. Some times I try to bring it up, he sinks into his self-destruct hold and he says that he's just like that because he's jwd. Well, I'm sorry... but'm not, nore would I ever try to blame our difficulties on things that happened in my past from my own choices that I made for the problems that we have now.

I love him very much and I know he loves me, he's never treated me badly, but ..... why do I feel like I have to be blamed and punished for not being jwd like him everyday?

We've also recently been hanging out with other jwd's and that's all he wants to do in his free time. Which is fine with me, I love the company, the more the merrier, but when all they talk about is how they got jwd'd and how much wronged them, I just wanna slap them all and tell them every experence of what true wrong is, at least they're looked at like human beings, and not the color of their skin since the day they were born. But I've never brought it up until asked. I'm used to being left out, but I thought they'd at least get together and talk about what they're doing to how they're overcoming theire pasts.........

We were hanging out with people he met from work with no jw affiliation before and we had tons of fun, but he doesn't even want to call them now cept his jwd friends, or people he wants to meet his jwd friends. I'm always supportive but, hey I'm new in town...... I will start making my own friends again once the next semester starts.

I'm getting really tired (my heart aches and breaks) of this behavior every day after day after day, for years already!, and I just wanna go to his mum and ask her how to be a jw because I can't fight it anymore. If all he keeps talkng about is how he can't get out of this jwd stuff in his head or bad memories of his parents and how it hurts his mum that he's not jw, and how it hurt his dad that he's not a jw, then maybe we should just give in so he can feel better about the way he feels about things and then we can move on. This goes against everything I've ever believed, but if my man is going to continue like this, I feel I need to help him remedy. Should change for him?

I want to progress in the relationship, not go backwards...........what do I do?

--*crying again*-- JC