Hi y'all
I'm having a difficult time with my recently announced fiance. He happens to be a jwd. I am not, nore ever have been. We fell in love over a second and we've been together for a few years now and it's been fun and extremely hard too. When it's good it's good, but always shortlved, and when things hit the fan it's worse than the problems before and we are stuck with them for what seems like an eternity. And here's the kicker, there were solutions where all of it could have been prevented or damage lessened. But I get the jwd excuse. I used to understand and just console. Now I can't stop cry all day and hope he doesn't see it when he gets home. I know I probably should have asked for advice years ago, but what the hell did I know about jwd, nothing.... I thought it'd resolve on its own, not get worse. He promised me it'd get better many times. I didn't know he'd continually use jwd as an excuse and not take responisibility for himself for the hurt he causes the relationship. If it is the jw thing that's the cause of all ths 'd rather take it to supremem court and burn all of 'em book studyin' hypocrites.
I love him very much and I want to spend the rest of my lfe wth this wonderful man that I know I'll never find again, even in the next galaxy over. I know he's perfect for me, disregard what his jw mum told me. I am thankful every day for him. It's getting really hard to stay in love with him. I've sucked it up after every defeat we've had, every blow we had to our hearts, spirits and pocketbooks, and looked past all the hard stuff we're still going through and will continue to go through until things are finally helped to resolved, though it was flukin' hard because even after fighting things that were thrown our way from his past, it ruined us, tore us to shreds and gave us great heartache, but he makes a jwd excuse for every big mistake he's ever made during our relationship, or blames an annoyance he has with my family just to point a finger. All my family's ever done was try to help us, give us places to live, food, money, company and advice on our futures. He's always mades it seem like they're all against him. They just want what's best for "us" and our little family. When something goes wrong from my end, I try to resolve it by myself before ever bringing it to him because I don't want him to have to think about more stuff we can't handle. Is this selfish of me?
I like to help his family and go wth him to his family things and I try to help out as much as possible because I realize how much they're losing to give him to me becaue I'm the one who lovs him, no matter how much he doesn't see it. I know he helps my family a little too, but he complains about them afterwards. It makes me feel bad and embarassed. I don't ever want him to feel that way about his family. He's pushed my family away (whch to me feels like he's pushng me away) so many times and I've defended him over being jwd, that my family's asked me to talk to him about accepting himself into tha family already, they don't care he's jwd, they just want to make sure we'e happy together. They've never asked him to change his personal or religious beliefs or made him feel guilty about being jwd. They want to understand him and help him. He pushes his mother away too when all she wants to do is forget the past and move on.... she's still very much an active jw and she just lost her husband, so I understand if he doesn't want to get too close to mums. But I also understand if he wants to get closer.
He mourns for his father, but I think he mourns the father he used to know.... the awesome man with the vibrant woman whom took their children under wing until someone sabotaged the straps on his basket...... It's really hard for him to forget the betrayl. I don't ever want him to forget his good father. I want him to forgive himself for not being the son his parents wanted him to be, and to be proud that he stood up for himself and tried to make something better example for humankind. I really hate that they expected so much out of him. I hate that they're the foundation of this problem. And I hate that they still rub it in his face. it feels like they're rubbing it in mine too.
*sobs* ........ I'm at the end of my rope..... I've changed thngs about myself just to make him feel better, to make things easier for him, and I knoe he's don the same for me in many ways and I love him and thank him for those things. I've given this man everything I ever had and gotten on my own in this world and was proud of and I gave it all up willingly for us... for him, for our family that I loved with all my heart and was proud of and cry over every day, but we lost due to jealousy and greed, also a mistake he blames of jwd.......I feel it's never going to be enough no matter how much I give him of me and I feel all he's ever given me was love attached to jwd excuses and more heartache.... heartache I've never thought I'd feel on a day to day basis that makes me cry when I go to bed and cry when I wake up for the last two years+.
I can't tell him any of this because I feel that I shouldn't worry him with my feelings. Some times I try to bring it up, he sinks into his self-destruct hold and he says that he's just like that because he's jwd. Well, I'm sorry... but'm not, nore would I ever try to blame our difficulties on things that happened in my past from my own choices that I made for the problems that we have now.
I love him very much and I know he loves me, he's never treated me badly, but ..... why do I feel like I have to be blamed and punished for not being jwd like him everyday?
We've also recently been hanging out with other jwd's and that's all he wants to do in his free time. Which is fine with me, I love the company, the more the merrier, but when all they talk about is how they got jwd'd and how much wronged them, I just wanna slap them all and tell them every experence of what true wrong is, at least they're looked at like human beings, and not the color of their skin since the day they were born. But I've never brought it up until asked. I'm used to being left out, but I thought they'd at least get together and talk about what they're doing to how they're overcoming theire pasts.........
We were hanging out with people he met from work with no jw affiliation before and we had tons of fun, but he doesn't even want to call them now cept his jwd friends, or people he wants to meet his jwd friends. I'm always supportive but, hey I'm new in town...... I will start making my own friends again once the next semester starts.
I'm getting really tired (my heart aches and breaks) of this behavior every day after day after day, for years already!, and I just wanna go to his mum and ask her how to be a jw because I can't fight it anymore. If all he keeps talkng about is how he can't get out of this jwd stuff in his head or bad memories of his parents and how it hurts his mum that he's not jw, and how it hurt his dad that he's not a jw, then maybe we should just give in so he can feel better about the way he feels about things and then we can move on. This goes against everything I've ever believed, but if my man is going to continue like this, I feel I need to help him remedy. Should change for him?
I want to progress in the relationship, not go backwards...........what do I do?
--*crying again*-- JC