I definitely feel heavy progress within the last five years since I was DF'd and especially in the last year. Previously I had always felt there were huge issues with the organization itself, even before I got the boot, but I always struggled with all the other teachings. They never made sense, but I still had the mental hand cuffs on. Since I have left I have had no desire to embrace any kind of "God." And though I still feel this way I now am interested in faith from a historical standpoint. I think organized religion as a whole is a mistake. Regardless of the intentions the outcome can be nothing but failure. I agree that there is some wisdom in the Bible, but no more than in any other teachings, whether they are based on the Bible or not. And that wisdom does not have any bearing on determining how I live my life. I do not accept the Bible as the one true word of God, and certainly by no means a complete word of God. That's painfully obvious with all the disputes of many aspects of the Bible. I saw a quote from a poster on another JW board, and I'm not sure if it's his or someone elses, but it said "The mind is like a parachute, it works much better when it's open." I feel that is true in many aspects of life, and following a teaching of any man based on what is claimed to be a divinely inspired source is taking away an open mind and turning yourself into a mental, spiritual and emotional zombie.
Posts by feenx
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18Are you making progress?
by nvrgnbk inwe're all in different stages of exiting the jw organization.. how do you feel about where you are at today, compared with a year ago?
do you see positive growth in yourself?
or do you feel stagnant?.
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feenx
:/ MAC's and this forum don't jive well. SORRY.
My father always tried to instill morals and bible principles in my judgement. I struggled with this for pretty much my whole life until I was out. Now MY morals tell me that if there's even the chance that I can help someone in a similar situation to what mine was, then that's something I must do. For them and myself. And that to me is eminently important. I agree that I must worry about things as they come. And I am assuming how he will react before I've even spoken to him. Publishing this book is not a reality right now, however writing it is. So I plan to talk with him about it, honestly, and hope that he will be open to talking about what I want to. Really the only thing I am unsure of how much he will want to talk about is the Elders meeting with those 6 elders. But he also needs to know how far I've come, and far I'm willing to go to heal and help others. And it is my hope, that as my father, he will support that. If not, then at least my conscience will be clear. -
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feenx
oops...I posted that last one before I was done.
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feenx
oops...I posted that last one before I was done.
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feenx
AGuest, thank you so much for your comments! the one at the bottom of the first page totally nailed things on the head. I feel I have to be upfront, in a loving way, with him. And that is not only what I want in regards to the book, but that is what I need, for me. If he truly is willing to talk about things, then we both deserve for me to give him that chance, BUT at the same time I need to feel like we are talking as father and son, and that he truly cares about how I feel, and not an Elder and a DF sinner. That has been my entire struggle over the past 9-12 months, before there was ever any talk of a book. I feel like I am talking to an Elder who just happens to be my dad, instead of my Father who just happens to be an Elder.
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feenx
AGuest, thank you so much for your comments! the one at the bottom of the first page totally nailed things on the head. I feel I have to be upfront, in a loving way, with him. And that is not only what I want in regards to the book, but that is what I need, for me. If he truly is willing to talk about things, then we both deserve for me to give him that chance, BUT at the same time I need to feel like we are talking as father and son, and that he truly cares about how I feel, and not an Elder and a DF sinner. That has been my entire struggle over the past 9-12 months, before there was ever any talk of a book. I feel like I am talking to an Elder who just happens to be my dad, instead of my Father who just happens to be an Elder.
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feenx
AGuest, thank you so much for your comments! the one at the bottom of the first page totally nailed things on the head. I feel I have to be upfront, in a loving way, with him. And that is not only what I want in regards to the book, but that is what I need, for me. If he truly is willing to talk about things, then we both deserve for me to give him that chance, BUT at the same time I need to feel like we are talking as father and son, and that he truly cares about how I feel, and not an Elder and a DF sinner. That has been my entire struggle over the past 9-12 months, before there was ever any talk of a book. I feel like I am talking to an Elder who just happens to be my dad, instead of my Father who just happens to be an Elder.
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feenx
Well I think my therapist does have good intentions, though I can certainly see how there is the opportunity for alterior motives. It really is a story just as much about healing from sexual abuse and living in a mentally unstable household, as it is religion. It is by no means an expose of abuse inside JW. Plenty of people have heard about that. It is certainly a factor in the chain of events, but is not the catalyst to everything. Which is why I am hoping my parents would somewhat support it. I think from my therapists perspective the majority of severe childhood sexual trauma stories come from female survivors, though she estimates that there just as many male survivors as there are female. And though she has come across other JW patients (not all for abuse, just in general) and had some exposure to it, the more I describe to her the daily life, and in my case how that related to recovery, she feels it's an inspiring story that not only other survivors but also people interested in religion in general would appreciate.
My reason for wanting to publish it is really just to try and reach more people. For me, it is just as much about doing what I can to help other survivors as it is to tell my story. I am not out to simply profit off of a book about abuse inside the organization. Actually what I'd like to do is donate any proceeds that I MAY, SOMEDAY, get from the book to Silentlambs. But that's neither here nor there right now.
But you guys are completely right, I must consider the possible consequences in regards to my parents, something that I haven't thought too much about up until now. Previous to the "book" thing I have been contemplating not talking to them at all anymore, simply because it's very painful and I just am not getting any benefit from our contact, in fact it feels like a weight on my shoulders.
SO I guess I have some serious thinking to do :/
However despite the difficult decisions I definitely feel that all of this is healthy, and the road of recovery is never easy. So I will continue to travel on :) -
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feenx
Well the book will talk about doctrine and JW history as well, though this is not the focal point of the book. But what I need from him is to find why it was that a panel of 6 elders met to discuss abuse allegations against my grandfather, and some of those allegations discussed were mine, yet I was never even told about the meeting until some time afterward, nor did any of those 6 elders ask to speak with me in a seperate meeting. I dont know what's been reported to HQ and what hasn't. I don't even know the full scope of what was discussed in that meeting. All I know is that according to my mother the Elders from my old hall suddenly seemed to feel guilty for DF-ing me. Damn well they should, bastards. Although it was actually the best thing for me. Other than that all the questions I have for him relate to filling in some gaps about events from when I was a kid.
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feenx
Both are very good posts, thank you! They bring up things I haven't thought about. I never even thought about him resenting those actions down the road SHOULD I happen to make any money from the book. That is a very good point. I suppose that would be rather deceptive to not divulge my intentions. And the spirit of the entire project is healing and honesty, so by NOT telling him the full scope of things that would be going against the entire basis of what I'm writing. Looking at it objectively I can't see why, even knowing all about the book, why he wouldn't tell me what I am wanting to ask. It's all related to childhood issues and then final Elders meetings that I was not a part of. Though I am mildly curious how he would react to organization questions, that really has no bearing on the book.
And I suppose I just have to keep reminding myself that if he chooses to totally cut things off down the road, that is HIS choice. Not something I brought about.