A DF'd son needs an Elder/Father opinion

by feenx 38 Replies latest jw friends

feenx

Hey everybody :)

 

Hopefully there is an Elder or former Elder on here that can give me some perspective. I have been DF'd for 5 years. Though I did not have any contact with my parents for the first few months my father did eventually call me to tell me that after thinking and praying about it he felt that he could not in good conscience completely cut off contact with me. This was due to our family history and the healing process that I was in the midst of going through. He felt that cutting me off would not be living up to his god given responsibility to care for his family.

 

Our family has been through many terrible things and at the time I was really struggling to cope with the realities of my sexually abusive grandfather (also an Elder) and the affects his abuse had on my mother and how that and her mental status affected me as well as his direct abuse of me. Since then I have made tremendous progress through counseling and deprogramming myself from the organization. My parents and I have had sporadic contact over the last several years, though no real "relationship." It's mostly just an occasional conversation, almost exclusively with my mother, to catch up and make sure we're all ok. My father has stated he is willing to talk about anything I want to, e.g. childhood, personal issues, spiritual issues, etc. That has pretty much been where things have stopped.

 

Granted we never had a solid relationship as it was growing up. Now, as an adult, I find myself truly wanting a healthy father/son relationship, which I feel that as long as we are on opposite sides of the JW fence cannot be achieved. That has been something I've been grappling with.

 

All of this leads up to my current dilemma. Because of my traumatic childhood and exodus from the WTBS my therapist has told me to write a book, which she is personally and professionally backing, detailing all these things. For some portions of this book, there are some very specific questions I must ask my parents. On the one hand, I could sugar coat it and tell them that it simply is an exercise in my therapy (which is true), and leave out how serious both my therapist and I are about getting it published. On the other hand, I could be totally up front about it, which I fear would alienate me even further from him because he could view it as apostate material. Either way, if/when the book comes out it will be plainly clear what my stance is and I'm sure that at that time my relationship with him will not even be a technicality.

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So my question, to all the elders and fathers on here: Is there a way I can present my intentions and feelings to him, as his only child, in a way that he, as a 20 year Elder raised in "the truth" can recognize and appreciate as something separate from the organization. Or...do I really need to just bite the bullet and truly accept that reaching him in any way is lost because he is just too far into the organization and at this point is just a complete and 100% company man?

 I had always hoped that at some point in life his fatherly instinct would somehow speak louder than his religious instinct...but I fear that will never happen.
OnTheWayOut

If there is a bias on the part of your therapist to think that this book HAS TO BE PUBLISHED,
she won't really consider any damage this might do to you. I only put that out as a slight
possibility, because it may be that this was decided upon as necessary for your well-being.
I think that Dad would be glad to talk doctrine with you, although the WTS says he should not,
because he thinks he is correct in his view and wants to "save" you. Once he knows your
intentions, this communication would not happen. If you tell him what you are doing, he
won't tell you anything for a book, he will instruct Mom to do the same.
If you want to talk issues with him- sexual abuse and it's affect on your family, or other
issues, you can try. You would have to say, "This really affected me, how do you feel about
it?"
He's not a 100% company man if he will talk to you. If you are unsure, push the boundary a
bit. See if you can visit him for a weekend, stay in his home, eat meals with him. Eating meals
with former witnesses is a huge barrier to overcome. No 100% company man would do it. That
would help you know if you can talk to him about stuff openly.
Start by sugar coating, then you will know how far you can go. Back off if you go too far.
Back to the book- "JW experience" books don't make a whole lot of money. Just looking at the
practical side of this, does it need to be published and sold on a market that your parents would
know about. I mentioned that the therapist might have an agenda. Explore that very issue with the
therapist. "I am afraid of what will happen if my parents see the book. Why do we have to publish
it? What kind of market do you expect it to be in?" The likelihood is that the market would be
small, and your parents would never notice the book. How many books are you aware of on the
JW experience? Your parents know of even less. Still, get your concerns out and deal with them
with the therapist beforehand.
AK - Jeff

Certainly an ethical dilemma.
How does your current theological/non-theological perspective affect your value-system as far as lying is concerned? I would, as a father perhaps about your father's age, deeply resent my child asking me such questions for the purpose of what I would likely later assume to be an attack against my religion and perhaps even for profit.
I would suggest that you have a heart to heart with him and explain the cathartic nature of the project you are undertaking. Tell him that you want to assure that you have all the facts straight and that you intend to write about it for 'healing' - tell him that you are writing a book about your experiences, if you believe that is needed to keep the trust.
Just my opinion
Jeff
metatron

My gut tells me that showing or discussing such a book with Watchtower- controlled parents is likely
to be a big mistake. Classifying yourself as an opposer or 'apostate' may result in a complete end
to even a faint relationship with your parents.
Take it slow with your folks. One small step at a time.
metatron
feenx

Both are very good posts, thank you! They bring up things I haven't thought about. I never even thought about him resenting those actions down the road SHOULD I happen to make any money from the book. That is a very good point. I suppose that would be rather deceptive to not divulge my intentions. And the spirit of the entire project is healing and honesty, so by NOT telling him the full scope of things that would be going against the entire basis of what I'm writing. Looking at it objectively I can't see why, even knowing all about the book, why he wouldn't tell me what I am wanting to ask. It's all related to childhood issues and then final Elders meetings that I was not a part of. Though I am mildly curious how he would react to organization questions, that really has no bearing on the book.

And I suppose I just have to keep reminding myself that if he chooses to totally cut things off down the road, that is HIS choice. Not something I brought about.
AGuest

May YOU have peace, truly!
I am neither a father nor an elder. I am a mother, however, and a "ministerial servant" to the House of God, Israel. That usually means ministering in a physical way to those in need of it, but on occasion involves some "spiritual" ministering, as well, and I would like to offer the following if I may:
For a certainty, if you DON'T tell him... whether verbally or otherwise... but use what he shares with you in a publication without his knowledge or consent... you risk losing communication and a relationship forever. For some, doing something like this (publicly revealing a confidence of this magnitude without first informing the subject/informer) would be considered unforgiveable betrayal. So, the issue appears not to be whether you should tell him... but how.
Your post here was probably the most honest and succinct summary of what you've been advised to do by your therapist and why, and the fears and concerns it has raised in you. It also sets forth what it is you wish your father to know and how you feel he might respond, given a particular scenario. Perhaps, then, you could simply print that out and give it to him to read... and then let him decide whether he wishes to speak with you about it. You could let him know that because you LOVE him... you felt you HAD to be upfront with him on these issues... and that you are hoping HIS love for YOU... will allow him to discuss them because you NEED to do it in order to begin healing and move on.
He may or may not be open to that, of course; however, YOU will have tried to be open and honest with HIM... which he really won't be able to fault you for (true, he and others may try, but in their hearts they will know it doesn't fly). And you will be able to sleep... and live with yourself... knowing that YOU weren't the one who failed to exercise love... or tried to hide the truth.
Again, I bid you the greatest of love and peace... and a very speedy "recovery."
Your servant and a slave of Christ,
SA
dawg

Lord almighty man, that is a truly sad story; I hate it when I read suffering like this... I'm depressed everyday and can't seem to shake it, much of the reasons you stated above is the casue of most of my depression... just not the abuse.
I have no advice, I just truly feel bad that a life like yours has to be marred by such absolute foolishness. Know that I've been somewhat where you are and know the heartakes this shit must cause you; and it sickens me down to the core of my very soul.
All of this becasue our famlies follow foolish, stupid arrogant idiots that don't know jach shit about what they're talking about. Bro, if you ever need me in anyway, please feel free to ask. Huff
VoidEater

I'm not a father nor an elder, but - wow - what a mirror of my childhood. You're not alone...
You might want to check out DHaene's book, "Father's Touch" (http://www.fatherstouch.com/) for some additional perspective that might be helpful as you go through your process...
OnTheWayOut

I find that I agree with AGuest.
YOU will have tried to be open and honest with HIM... which he really won't be able to fault you for
If you assure him that doctrine is not a question for your book, you must stick by that.
feenx

Well the book will talk about doctrine and JW history as well, though this is not the focal point of the book. But what I need from him is to find why it was that a panel of 6 elders met to discuss abuse allegations against my grandfather, and some of those allegations discussed were mine, yet I was never even told about the meeting until some time afterward, nor did any of those 6 elders ask to speak with me in a seperate meeting. I dont know what's been reported to HQ and what hasn't. I don't even know the full scope of what was discussed in that meeting. All I know is that according to my mother the Elders from my old hall suddenly seemed to feel guilty for DF-ing me. Damn well they should, bastards. Although it was actually the best thing for me. Other than that all the questions I have for him relate to filling in some gaps about events from when I was a kid.

A DF'd son needs an Elder/Father opinion

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