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The book of Dextrose (Hexodus)
Finally a man appeared in Egypt; his name was Moses. And he was stopped by the police because his donkey had been too fast, and the policeman said to him: “Stick your hand, please, into the upper fold of your garment.” So he stuck his hand into the upper fold of his garment. When he drew it out, why, here his hand was stricken with leprosy like snow! After that the policeman said: “You are arrested for drug possession and for riding under the influence of drugs.” And Moses tried to defend his rights in court, but he was slow of mouth and slow of tongue. So he was sentenced to forty years in prison.
At the end of ten years Moses issued a request by saying: “Send me away, for the prison here is flooded with frogs!” But then it happened, before the King could decide about the request, that a power outage caused a gloomy darkness in all the land of Egypt for three days. So Moses was able to flee, and he hid at the Red Sea.
Finally Moses meandered around there. He resolved that if he would ever return to a civilized life, he and his descendants would follow these ten commandments:
You must not install any mirrors, so that you shall not see your ugly face.
You must not use the beer in a worthless way, for the brewery will not leave the one unpunished who uses its beer in a worthless way.
Remembering the Monday, the Tuesday, the Wednesday, the Thursday, the Friday, the Saturday, and the Sunday to hold it sacred, you must not do any work, you nor your washing machine nor your dishwasher nor your vacuum cleaner nor your lawn mower.
Honor your cow and her butter in order that your cakes may prove tasty.
You must not murder, except for persons you dislike.
You must not marry, then you cannot commit adultery.
You must become rich, then you do not need to steal.
You must not use your testicles falsely, for example, in the house of your fellowman.
You must not desire the debts of your fellowman who has built a house and married a wife.
Finally Moses wandered about for forty years, first through the wilderness of Sinai, then through the land of Canaan and through Asia Minor. There he settled among the Turks for a while, sold kebap with unfermented bread, and raised a family. Many centuries later his descendants moved on to the United States, and they began to say: “How we remember the fish that we used to purchase at the Market in Turkey, the cucumbers and the watermelons and the leeks and the onions and the garlic! But now our soul is dried away. Our eyes are on nothing at all except the Walmart!”
While the sons of Moses were continuing to live in the United States, they once found a man going into the ministry on Saturday. Then those who found him offering Watchtower magazines brought him up to the whole assembly. So they committed him into custody, because it had not been distinctly stated what should be done to him. In time one of the elders said to them: “Strictly speaking, the man should be put to death, the whole assembly pelting him with stones outside the city. But being limited by the laws of the worldly nation in which we live, we can take action against apostates only to a certain extent.” So they kept holding the man in custody.
And during the night a vision appeared to the man: a certain Muslim man was standing and entreating him and saying: “Step over into Afghanistan and help us.” Now as soon as he had seen the vision, he asked for permission to go to Afghanistan to preach the Good News of JW.ORG there. So they let him go and brought him to the Afghan embassy, where he got a Visa.
Now when the elder returned to his apartment, look, there was a hare escaped from its cage, causing dirt everywhere. And the elder proceeded to say to the hare: “Because you have done this thing, you are the cursed one out of all the domestic animals and out of all the wild beasts of the field. Upon your feet you will scamper and carrots are what you will eat all the days of your life. And I shall put enmity between you and the fox and between your ears and his teeth. He will bruise you in the ears and you will run away from him.”
Consequently the elder saw that the dirt was abundant in his apartment and every item of furniture was full of dust everywhere. And the elder felt regrets that the dust and the dirt were everywhere, and he felt hurt at his heart. So the elder said: “I am going to wipe dust and dirt which has formed off the surface of the furniture, from dresser to bedroom closet, to chair and to sofa, to three-legged table and to four-legged table, because I do regret that I have not done it before.”
Now it came about in spring that the elder wanted to visit a mediaeval market. And he put on his garment and took his sword and was about to leave the house when suddenly two criminal investigation officers stood in front of the door. And they said to him: “You are coming to us with a sword and with a spear and with a javelin, but we are coming to you with a search warrant on behalf of the Watchtower Society, whose Kingdom Melodies you have downloaded illegally. This day we will gather evidence, and the Watchtower Society will certainly sue you and remove your money off you.”
The Elder, for his part, refused to let the officers into his house. Thus they laid hands upon him and put him in the public place of custody. But during the night a member of the Pirate Party opened the doors of the prison, brought the elder out and said: “Be on your way! I have convinced the court that the Kingdom Melodies are not protectable works within the meaning of the copyright law.”
And the elder came out of prison, and he became older and older. Finally the time came near where he should be gathered to his forefathers. So he called his congregation together, and he said these words: “In the beginning God created moth and rust. Now the moth proved to be the most cautious of all the wild beasts of the night. So it began to dwell in Eves wardrobe. But does not the soul mean more than food and the body than clothing? Observe intently the birds of heaven, because they do not go to work or purchase groceries, but they steal their food from your fields. Are you not more important than they are? Who of you by going to work can add one cubit to his life span? So never be anxious and say, ‘What are we to fuel?’ For your heavenly Father created the rust, because he knows your cars need it.
And he went to the toilet, and when he returned, he continued to say: “Gods invisible qualities are clearly smelt from the world’s creation onward, because they are perceived by the things made. And by God’s canalization the odor of the knowledge will be distributed in all the inhabited earth for a witness to all the nations; and then the plumber will come. Therefore, when you catch sight of the disgusting thing that causes debt lying in your mailbox, (let the reader remember former craftsmen’s bills,) then let those dwelling there begin fleeing to the inner chambers. Let the man in the basement not come up to open the door to the bailiff.”
Now the elder fell asleep. Meanwhile his wife came home, and all those present said to her: “Your husband is sleeping; leave him alone.” So she said: “Stop taking me for a fool, for he is not sleeping but died.” So, after making a whip of ropes, she drove all those present out of her house. Later she buried her husband at the central cemetery.
