Posts by processor

And it came about at the time of evening that a man called David proceeded to rise from his bed. He switched on the TV, and in the TV he caught sight of a woman bathing herself, and the woman was very good in appearance. Then David called the displayed number and inquired about the woman and someone said: “This call is three shekels sixteen gerahs per minute. You will be connected in a moment. Did you already know our Website www.queen-of-sheba.com? You will be connected in a moment. Please be patient.” While David was waiting, look, his wife returned home, and he hung up.

Meanwhile there was a prophet named Elijah, and he had noticed that the people drank different types of beer. Then Elijah gathered all the people on Therese’s Hill in Jerusalem and said: “How long will you be drinking two different types of beer? If Highnecken is the true beer, go drinking it; but if Baalweiser is, get drunk from it.” Elijah went on to say to the gathered drinkers: “Take four hundred and fifty bottles of your favorite beer, and drink out of it, all of you; and it must occur that the beer that makes intoxicated first is the true beer.” To this all the people answered and said: “The thing is good.”

Accordingly they took the beer bottles that he gave them. Then they drank out of it from morning till noon, saying: “Cheers!” And it came about at noon that Elijah began to mock the Highnecken drinkers and say: “Drink at the top of your throat! Do you not have excrement and have to go to the privy?” And they began drinking at the top of their throat and raising their glasses according to their custom, until they caused beer to flow out upon them. But there was no intoxication, and there was no one lying unconscious on the ground.

At length Elijah said to all the people: “Approach the Baalweiser drinkers! There is not one who would still be able to stand.” Then he said: “Fill four large jars with water and pour it upon the drunks.” Then he said: “Do it again.” So they did it again. And it came about when the had done it for five times that one of the drunks woke up for a moment, burped, and fell asleep again. When all the people saw it, they immediately fell upon their faces and said: “Baalweiser is the true beer! Baalweiser is the true beer!”

Now all the people went to their homes, and David went home to his wife, filled with holy beer. Later it came about that David’s wife became pregnant and gave birth to a son, and David called him Slalomon, according to his favorite sports. And Slalomon grew up and became a famous skier.

And the beery spirit came upon David. And David proceeded to invent many songs and write them into a book. And David called the book “The Qualms.” And whenever someone in Israel could not sleep, they read this book to him, and he fell asleep at once.

30

JW.org down?

by jw07 in

i'm seeing tons of comments from sad jws on my facebook feed saying that the beloved golden calf jw.org is offline.. what are you seeing when you try it?

*crosses fingers* i wish it could never ever return.. are they getting too much traffic to support?.

work of hackers?

processor

http://www.datacenterknowledge.com/archives/2014/08/13/bgp-routing-table-size-limit-blamed-for-tuesdays-website-outages/

15

Are You Ready to Face a Faith-Challenging Preaching Situation? Too Funny

by Watchtower-Free in

posted to the facebook meme group.

apostate & ex-jehovalarious meme collection.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/jwmeme/.

processor

small spelling error in the bold print 'damagers / damages'

I already noticed this, that's why the example card is correct :)

10

The (Un)holy Scriptures

by processor in

a while ago i wrote the (un)holy scriptures in german.

originally i considered them untranslatable, but i decided to give it a try.

so here is the first of ten books.. .

processor

https://unzj.wordpress.com/die-unechten-zeugen-jehovas/the-unholy-scriptures/the-book-of-dextrose-hexodus/

The book of Dextrose (Hexodus)

Finally a man appeared in Egypt; his name was Moses. And he was stopped by the police because his donkey had been too fast, and the policeman said to him: “Stick your hand, please, into the upper fold of your garment.” So he stuck his hand into the upper fold of his garment. When he drew it out, why, here his hand was stricken with leprosy like snow! After that the policeman said: “You are arrested for drug possession and for riding under the influence of drugs.” And Moses tried to defend his rights in court, but he was slow of mouth and slow of tongue. So he was sentenced to forty years in prison.

At the end of ten years Moses issued a request by saying: “Send me away, for the prison here is flooded with frogs!” But then it happened, before the King could decide about the request, that a power outage caused a gloomy darkness in all the land of Egypt for three days. So Moses was able to flee, and he hid at the Red Sea.

Finally Moses meandered around there. He resolved that if he would ever return to a civilized life, he and his descendants would follow these ten commandments:

You must not install any mirrors, so that you shall not see your ugly face.

You must not use the beer in a worthless way, for the brewery will not leave the one unpunished who uses its beer in a worthless way.

Remembering the Monday, the Tuesday, the Wednesday, the Thursday, the Friday, the Saturday, and the Sunday to hold it sacred, you must not do any work, you nor your washing machine nor your dishwasher nor your vacuum cleaner nor your lawn mower.

Honor your cow and her butter in order that your cakes may prove tasty.

You must not murder, except for persons you dislike.

You must not marry, then you cannot commit adultery.

You must become rich, then you do not need to steal.

You must not use your testicles falsely, for example, in the house of your fellowman.

You must not desire the debts of your fellowman who has built a house and married a wife.

Finally Moses wandered about for forty years, first through the wilderness of Sinai, then through the land of Canaan and through Asia Minor. There he settled among the Turks for a while, sold kebap with unfermented bread, and raised a family. Many centuries later his descendants moved on to the United States, and they began to say: “How we remember the fish that we used to purchase at the Market in Turkey, the cucumbers and the watermelons and the leeks and the onions and the garlic! But now our soul is dried away. Our eyes are on nothing at all except the Walmart!”

While the sons of Moses were continuing to live in the United States, they once found a man going into the ministry on Saturday. Then those who found him offering Watchtower magazines brought him up to the whole assembly. So they committed him into custody, because it had not been distinctly stated what should be done to him. In time one of the elders said to them: “Strictly speaking, the man should be put to death, the whole assembly pelting him with stones outside the city. But being limited by the laws of the worldly nation in which we live, we can take action against apostates only to a certain extent.” So they kept holding the man in custody.

And during the night a vision appeared to the man: a certain Muslim man was standing and entreating him and saying: “Step over into Afghanistan and help us.” Now as soon as he had seen the vision, he asked for permission to go to Afghanistan to preach the Good News of JW.ORG there. So they let him go and brought him to the Afghan embassy, where he got a Visa.

Now when the elder returned to his apartment, look, there was a hare escaped from its cage, causing dirt everywhere. And the elder proceeded to say to the hare: “Because you have done this thing, you are the cursed one out of all the domestic animals and out of all the wild beasts of the field. Upon your feet you will scamper and carrots are what you will eat all the days of your life. And I shall put enmity between you and the fox and between your ears and his teeth. He will bruise you in the ears and you will run away from him.”

Consequently the elder saw that the dirt was abundant in his apartment and every item of furniture was full of dust everywhere. And the elder felt regrets that the dust and the dirt were everywhere, and he felt hurt at his heart. So the elder said: “I am going to wipe dust and dirt which has formed off the surface of the furniture, from dresser to bedroom closet, to chair and to sofa, to three-legged table and to four-legged table, because I do regret that I have not done it before.”

Now it came about in spring that the elder wanted to visit a mediaeval market. And he put on his garment and took his sword and was about to leave the house when suddenly two criminal investigation officers stood in front of the door. And they said to him: “You are coming to us with a sword and with a spear and with a javelin, but we are coming to you with a search warrant on behalf of the Watchtower Society, whose Kingdom Melodies you have downloaded illegally. This day we will gather evidence, and the Watchtower Society will certainly sue you and remove your money off you.”

The Elder, for his part, refused to let the officers into his house. Thus they laid hands upon him and put him in the public place of custody. But during the night a member of the Pirate Party opened the doors of the prison, brought the elder out and said: “Be on your way! I have convinced the court that the Kingdom Melodies are not protectable works within the meaning of the copyright law.”

And the elder came out of prison, and he became older and older. Finally the time came near where he should be gathered to his forefathers. So he called his congregation together, and he said these words: “In the beginning God created moth and rust. Now the moth proved to be the most cautious of all the wild beasts of the night. So it began to dwell in Eves wardrobe. But does not the soul mean more than food and the body than clothing? Observe intently the birds of heaven, because they do not go to work or purchase groceries, but they steal their food from your fields. Are you not more important than they are? Who of you by going to work can add one cubit to his life span? So never be anxious and say, ‘What are we to fuel?’ For your heavenly Father created the rust, because he knows your cars need it.

And he went to the toilet, and when he returned, he continued to say: “Gods invisible qualities are clearly smelt from the world’s creation onward, because they are perceived by the things made. And by God’s canalization the odor of the knowledge will be distributed in all the inhabited earth for a witness to all the nations; and then the plumber will come. Therefore, when you catch sight of the disgusting thing that causes debt lying in your mailbox, (let the reader remember former craftsmen’s bills,) then let those dwelling there begin fleeing to the inner chambers. Let the man in the basement not come up to open the door to the bailiff.”

Now the elder fell asleep. Meanwhile his wife came home, and all those present said to her: “Your husband is sleeping; leave him alone.” So she said: “Stop taking me for a fool, for he is not sleeping but died.” So, after making a whip of ropes, she drove all those present out of her house. Later she buried her husband at the central cemetery.

10

The (Un)holy Scriptures

by processor in

a while ago i wrote the (un)holy scriptures in german.

originally i considered them untranslatable, but i decided to give it a try.

so here is the first of ten books.. .

processor

A while ago I wrote the (Un)holy Scriptures in German. Originally I considered them untranslatable, but I decided to give it a try. So here is the first of ten books.

https://unzj.wordpress.com/die-unechten-zeugen-jehovas/the-unholy-scriptures/the-book-of-cellulose/

The book of Cellulose

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with man, and the word was a woman. And there came to be evening and there came to be morning, a two-hundred-and-eighty-fourth day. And man went on to say: “It is not good for the woman to continue with me alone. I am going to make a shoe store for her, as a complement of her.” Now the man was forming from every wild beast of the field shoes, and he began bringing them to the woman to see what she would call each one; and whatever the woman would call it, each pair of shoes, that was its name.

So the woman was calling the names of all the flat shoes and high heels and of every sandal, but for man there was found no beverage as a complement of him. And man went on to say: “Let the brewery cause beer to shoot forth, multiple beers according to their types.” And man proceeded to make the two great beer types, the normal beer for dominating the day and the strong beer for dominating the night.

And man went on to say: “Let the woman swarm forth a swarm of tasty dishes, escalope and pork roast and roast potatoes and apple pie.” And it came to be so. That is why a man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife and they must eat flesh.

Now the woman proved to prepare a dish from fruit trees yielding fruit according to their kinds. And the man began to say to the woman: “Is it really so that God said we must eat vegetables? They might be toxic!” At this the woman said to the man: “We positively will not die. For God knows that vegetables are healthy.”

Consequently the man saw that the woman was something to be longed for to the eyes, yes, she was desirable to look upon. So the eyes of him became opened and he began to realize that she was naked. Later they heard the voice of the mailman delivering the parcels about the breezy part of the day. And the mailman kept calling to the man and saying to him: “Where are you?” Finally he said: “Your voice I heard in the garden, but I was afraid because I was naked and so I had to dress first.” At that he said: “Here is a Zappos delivery for your wife.” With that the man said to the woman: “What is this you have done?” To this the woman replied: “The shoes – they were cheap, and it was a special offer with free shipping!”

Now Adam had intercourse with Eve his wife and she became pregnant. In time she gave birth to Cain and Abel. And Abel came to be a herder of sheep, but Cain became a cultivator of the ground. And it came about at the expiration of some time that Cain proceeded to prepare a dish from fruits and vegetables for his parents. But as for Abel, he prepared a lamb of his flock, even its fatty pieces. Now while Adam was looking with favor upon Abel and his roast lamb, he did not look with any favor upon Cain and upon his vegetable stew. And Cain grew hot with great anger, and he said: “If you eat vegetables, will there not be health?”

In the course of time, Adam and Eve had more children and grandchildren. One of them was Noah, a righteous man. And he listened to Cain’s advice and said: “The end of all flesh has come before me, and here I will start eating nothing but fruits and vegetables.” And Noah proceeded to build a zoo. And he proceeded to build an elephant house, three hundred cubits its length, fifty cubits its width, and thirty cubits its height. And of every living creature of every sort of flesh, two of each he kept in his zoo. And he charged an entrance fee and earned money, and so he could sustain himself and his family. Now God said to the man: “Today is Saturday. Be dreadful and become many and fill the shops and the malls.” And so it came to be.

And Cush made a cushy cushion for his bed and became father to Nimrod. In his time men began to say, each one to the other: “Come on! Let us build ourselves a Watchtower, and since too many carbs are noxious, we will write upon it, ‘Eat fruits, and vegetables, daily.’” Accordingly man ate less bread, and they gradually left off building the city because they became too weak. Finally the King said to his wife: “Hurry! Get three seah measures of fine flour, knead the dough and make round cakes.” Afterwards he caused a cry to pass through his city, saying: “Come here, be gathered together to the great coffee table of the Queen!” And all the people were filled from the cake parts.

Now after these things it came about that the chief of the bakers sinned against the King. And the King said to him: “Have you sinned against your lord, the King, by using chemical additives and ready-to-bake mixes?” Accordingly he charged someone else with bread baking. But the former chief of the bakers he hung up.

And it came about at the end of two full years that Pharaoh was watching TV. And there ascending out of the river Nile were seven stupid cows, and they were beautiful in appearance and skinny. And there were seven other, even more stupid cows ascending after them out of the river Nile. And the King told his dream to Joseph, and then Joseph said to Pharaoh: “The seven stupid cows are seven actresses. And the seven even more stupid cows are seven contestants of talent shows. May the King not be afraid; fourteen crocodiles will come and eat up the seven stupid cows as well as the seven even more stupid cows.”

12

Aug 1/87 WT p 32 - WT Index 1930-1985 has indexed EVERY publication

by berrygerry in

interesting quote on the back page.. "this new book has indexed every publication produced by the watch tower bible and tract society since 1930.".

(also on the cd wt library).

funny then that the life everlasting book (1966) never made it in..

processor

The "Life Everlasting book (1966)" is in the 1930-85 Index. In the printed version as well as in the WTLIB version.

It is NOT, of course, in the "1986-20xx Index" editions.

176

THE ALTERNATIVE DAILY TEXT by The Witchtower editor

by processor in

i have published more than 200 'daily text' comments in german, and will now start translating those into english.

they will be published here:.

http://dailytext2.wordpress.com/.

processor

https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=787017271343026&id=114394598605300

http://dailytext2.wordpress.com/2014/08/12/they-will-waste-their-time-they-will-go-from-house-to-house-carrying-stories-they-will-find-fault-with-people-and-say-things-they-should-not-talk-about/

Alternative Daily Text for Tuesday, August 12, 2014

“They will waste their time. They will go from house to house carrying stories. They will find fault with people and say things they should not talk about.” (1 Timothy 5:13, NLV)

It is obvious which group Paul had in mind when he wrote these warning words. Only Jehovah’s Witnesses “call from house to house, approach people on the street, and speak to them over the phone. Whether riding on a bus, walking in a park, or taking a break at their place of secular work, they eagerly look for every opportunity” to “find fault with people.” – “Bearing Thorough Witness” About God’s Kingdom, page 7.

But this ‘finding fault with people’ or “meddling in other people’s business” [NLT] is not limited to outsiders; rather it is very common within the congregation. If someone is not to be disfellowshipped, the currently valid Watchtower doctrines, “not any other pursuit, must become the focal point, or target, toward which his whole life is directed.” (The Watchtower, June 15, 1982, page 5) Jehovah’s Witnesses even meddle with the private life and, for example, dictate what a married couple is allowed to do and what not. – The Watchtower, September 15, 1977, page 558.

In his letter to Titus, Paul wrote that the same group would be “turning whole families away from the truth by their false teaching.” (Titus 1:11, NLT) This surely applies to Jehovah’s Witnesses, too, since “frequently they referred to their … beliefs as ‘present truth.’” (Jehovah’s Witnesses—Proclaimers of God’s Kingdom, page 121) Hence their teachings were always true when they expressed them, but the former teachings are now false, and the current teachings had been false previously.

What should we do if we are Jehovah’s Witnesses? Paul reminds us of former brothers who gave a fine example: “Some of them have already left “ (1 Timothy 5:15, MSG) Leave Jehovah’s Witnesses before it is too late!

12

Aug 1/87 WT p 32 - WT Index 1930-1985 has indexed EVERY publication

by berrygerry in

interesting quote on the back page.. "this new book has indexed every publication produced by the watch tower bible and tract society since 1930.".

(also on the cd wt library).

funny then that the life everlasting book (1966) never made it in..

processor

The 1930-1985 Index on the 2013 WTLIB definitely has references to "li" which is the "Life Everlasting" book from 1966

Sorry, can you provide an example?

For example, if I type in "Victim twisted on cross" there is 1 result, which is what I was looking for, the Aug 15, 1987 WT.

The 1930-1985 (!) Index has definitely no reference to the 1987 WT. You are looking in the 1986-2013 Index.

See example here:

12

Aug 1/87 WT p 32 - WT Index 1930-1985 has indexed EVERY publication

by berrygerry in

interesting quote on the back page.. "this new book has indexed every publication produced by the watch tower bible and tract society since 1930.".

(also on the cd wt library).

funny then that the life everlasting book (1966) never made it in..

processor

Funny then that the Life Everlasting book (1966) never made it in.

???

The 1930-1985 Index on the 2013 WTLIB definitely has references to "li" which is the "Life Everlasting" book from 1966.