thank you!
sorry about the formatting of the post, so thank you all the more for reading it! i was on this board 3 years ago, but can't find my login. my brother joined since, i'm sure he'll post up. i made it clear to mom that i will be supporting him and we're splitting off our own branch of the family.
i am feeling closer and closer to closure, but i can't help but wonder: could disassociation do the trick?
tavash
JoinedPosts by tavash
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16
negotiating with mom
by tavash inyesterday was sunny and i felt strong.
i felt up to the challenge, so i called mom.
tomorrow is one year since nan died, so we're bound to have contact.
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tavash
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16
negotiating with mom
by tavash inyesterday was sunny and i felt strong.
i felt up to the challenge, so i called mom.
tomorrow is one year since nan died, so we're bound to have contact.
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-
tavash
yesterday was sunny and i felt strong.
i felt up to the challenge, so i called mom. tomorrow is one year since nan died, so we're bound to have contact. she listened to me, and i can't think of anything i forgot to say, or that i wish i said differently.
right away i told her that i know she isn't contacting me. she stammered a bit and i said "no, you haven't called me since october, don't tell me you keep forgetting! you aren't that old!" (teasing) that wasn't what she was going to say though. she said she had been holding on to me too long - and that i had broke the commitment i made to jehovah god. "i was thirteen!!! i also thought i was going to marry ! no one can reasonably hold a 13 year old to any decisions they make!!!"
she started to listen, i started to talk.
i explained how strange it is to grow up as a witness. to seek to be ostracized, (for your faith) but then to also get ostracized within the peer group you're restricted to because you're a free thinker. or cause your dad isn't an elder, or because you wore something "weird" ...
"well you didn't have the best witness upbringing...." i interjected and kept going. i know what she's going to say. she feels emotionally abused by dad, and will try to explain my feelings away on an abusive dad. sorry mom, he isn't that warm with me but the reason my childhood was messed up was because i was raised a witness. i told her the background - how badly i wanted to leave, how my brother supported me through my leaving. how the date rape in which i lost my virginity (to a "witness" boy) messed me up. sitting in the basement of a kingdom hall, being read scriptures on repentance... giving in, only to be publicly reproved and labelled as a slut and a whore within the local witness community.
desperately trying to fake it, just to hold on to mom - dating a nice dense witness boy, who told me he forgave me for not being a virgin. trying to pioneer, trying to avoid educating this big brain of mine so i could train for a future cleaning banks at night so i could preach during the day.... tried, but couldn't. i told her how i ran to get away, that i tossed my family and good friends to stand up for what i believe in. told her how i clung to my first boyfriend, just for that sense of family. told her how much i've grown up lately
i explained my beliefs to her: for lack of a better term, karma. the sense that keeping a positive energy in your life keeps you healthy. kindness begets kindness. karma isn't a tangible thing, if you do nice things for people, you feel better about yourself. once you feel better about yourself, you're more aware of the good things that happen in life.
told her that i had seen a lot of smaller sects and religions that have similar teachings to witnesses: their worship is proper, christ will save them. religion, like communism, looks great on paper but just doesn't work out when put into place by imperfect humans. i told mom that i'm really proud of my brother's decision not to raise his kids as witnesses. let the kids do their own research when they're old enough to decide. i kept restating that i would be in touch with them, and that at least i have some sense of family there. my brother supported me through leaving, and i really understand how hard this has been for him. i'm going to support him. mom, he and i left years and years ago.
mom and i negotiated - we'll check in once a month, just to see how each other's health is doing. you can ignore me, but i'm not going anywhere. i'm out here, looking more and more like you as i grow up. for crying out loud, going over six months without talking to your daughter is ridiculous. i forgive you. i am doing my best to understand, though i don't agree. i will not jeapordize your faith, though i do not agree with it. i can't fake it.
she said that love hopes all things and that she will keep hoping. i told her she's wasting her time. she said she wasn't going to stop. fine. but did i mention there is no chance i'm coming back?
i told mom that i love her unconditionally, but that the contact is tough on me too. i'm not forcing my way into their lives like i did, but i did that as part of my healing process. i told her i respect the work she's done for women. she's nothing like her mom - nan was hard on us and in no way maternal. my mom just gives and cares. i have nothing but good things to say about her, except that she's a witness. i'm just... drained today. besides this being a year since my grandma died... i was in the room when she passed, i was there for mom and held her while she mourned her mom's passing. i gave to my family. gave what i didn't even have to give, and i broke myself. i've been healing since. i think i'm finally okay, and that call was closure. it's like i decided to do a 2 for 1 emotional roller coaster ride this week, observing the anniversary of nan's death - it isn't about missing nan, it's about saying goodbye to my family. it's like mom and i broke up. ha, i've had a few make up/break ups in my life in the past year, and i'm getting much better at communicating and defining relationships. mom and i no longer have to wish we could be together, no longer have to force things. we can admit that we're better off outside of each other's lives, but due to the dna we share, we'll keep in touch about whether that dna is currently residing in a healthy body or not. she has her family: the witnesses.
as much as i'm trying to embrace this, i must also say i'm a tad bit pissed and angry. that'll clear up, and i'll be a better person for it.