I know that I am more than a little stubborn, that is probably the way I've come off in my responses, and I am lol. I see the good in us and how much love we have between us, and it out wieghs the occasional spats. Whenever I get challanged about our relationship by people who dont think that we will work (my grandma for one) I get this way, and I think that thats how I know that I can handel the tough stuff; I fight for us and when other people challenge him about me he does the same thing. This whole discussion board has really given me alot of things to watch out for a lot to think about, and somehow a deeper understanding of how much I love my boyfriend.
StillinLove
JoinedPosts by StillinLove
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70
How to make love & marriage work w/a JW
by StillinLove inplease dont comment saying to "run" or "get out while i can" thank you im not new to this, so i can handel it.
i have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we started dating in high school and now i am going to college and he is working.
i am 20 and he is 21, i was raised catholic but my mom and i are too open minded for the church so we left.
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70
How to make love & marriage work w/a JW
by StillinLove inplease dont comment saying to "run" or "get out while i can" thank you im not new to this, so i can handel it.
i have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we started dating in high school and now i am going to college and he is working.
i am 20 and he is 21, i was raised catholic but my mom and i are too open minded for the church so we left.
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StillinLove
I wont be moving away from him, he wants to go to florida now as it is but is waiting for me.
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70
How to make love & marriage work w/a JW
by StillinLove inplease dont comment saying to "run" or "get out while i can" thank you im not new to this, so i can handel it.
i have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we started dating in high school and now i am going to college and he is working.
i am 20 and he is 21, i was raised catholic but my mom and i are too open minded for the church so we left.
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StillinLove
O and as for the punishing part, he still talks to the one friend of his who was disfellowshiped even though he isnt supposed to. And as for going along with the punishing, with rare exception his friends make it a point not to tell eachother details in case they are questioned about eachother. "You cant slip up if you dont know anything" is the basic idea. Like he said he doesnt plan on treating his own kids the way he was treated about having friends. He knows he cant be mad when thier own mother is worldly.
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70
How to make love & marriage work w/a JW
by StillinLove inplease dont comment saying to "run" or "get out while i can" thank you im not new to this, so i can handel it.
i have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we started dating in high school and now i am going to college and he is working.
i am 20 and he is 21, i was raised catholic but my mom and i are too open minded for the church so we left.
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StillinLove
You have a good point, what I think he has been struggling with, like I did when I was growing up, was how to balance the things he believes so strongly when at the same time there are other things which he disagrees with. For me, growing up catholic was fine until I started to feel like they were wrong; about homosexuality and people of other religons being wrong for example. That was when I broke with the church, and my mother followed, at just 15 I knew deep down that none of it felt right to me. it was more than just a few things, it was just about everything, I dont beleive in alot of it so I decided to leave.
In his situation however, there are only a few things he disagrees with. Most of them are the politics, he doesnt agree with the way kids are treated. His own sister (who lives 6 states away with his dad and step mom) was taken out of high school at 14 and home schooled because she was caught talking to a boy on the phone, now she has one friend and is monitered 24-7. That is not the way he wants to parent, and he struggles with how he is supposed to remain a JW and live his life without being harrassed. As you all may or may not agree, he doesnt think that God is anrgy that he loves a worldly girl, Sex is not evil (just an unwise choice) and certainly not a damning sin, he also dosent think god hates his friends who arent JW. But even though he beleives these things the cong does not, and unlike in most religous groups, they can punish him dearly for it. My heart breaks for him because its so unfair, as a catholic it would have been no big deal if I disagreed with a few things and even if I sinned they would only be disappointed not unforgiving. He has two things he loves and one of them is deeply unforgiving and closed minded on a human (not necesarrily spiritual) level, the cong is a human invention and so is the unacceptance the teachings however should be open to inturpretation but the organization ruins that part. He just wants to be able to have his wife and family and a community who will love him for who he is but they wont, so he is in one hell of a position.
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70
How to make love & marriage work w/a JW
by StillinLove inplease dont comment saying to "run" or "get out while i can" thank you im not new to this, so i can handel it.
i have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we started dating in high school and now i am going to college and he is working.
i am 20 and he is 21, i was raised catholic but my mom and i are too open minded for the church so we left.
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StillinLove
Wow, I really dont remember saying that I loved "that he was a big guy who can intimidate people" I believe that I said that he comes off as a tough guy, as in not very emotional not as in cruel, but he is a big teddy bear with me.
The more people are posting the more Ive been reading that Im just sex to him. Which is not only hurtful but ridiculous, we have only been intimate for less tha half of the 3 years (almost 4) we have been together and having sex was something that I pushed not him. The majority of people have premarital sex, and I dont know anyone who tells thier parents or their pastors when they start doing it. Most anyone who is religous beleives the same thing, premarital sex is wrong and they usually do it too, so ask your self if that makes you as bad as you say he is. So if you want to say that it shows him to be immoral than so are most people. We both think its better to wait, but when we were kids we just didnt want to.
As for his mother, they are rarely on speaking terms, he doesnt want to keep her happy. he just wants to have a roof over his head. He pays her rent to live there and since the real estate business has been terrible he really lost alot of ground towards moving out, also combined with being scammed by a business partner who turned out to be a con artist. So... no he doesnt do this to keep his mother happy, he doesnt even like her.
I have met the family and friends who are open minded enough to accept me. I know this is alot of "he says this" but what ever. Once he moves out they cant really do anything to him except tell the elders, and all that will really do is take away his privilages. He isnt afriad of them because his best friends parents are mixed religon and they are both in the cong. he is not some sex driven ass hole, its our anniversary soon and for the 4th year in a row we are going to six flags to celebrate. He went to my proms, he's met my entire extended family, his friends and my friends are all really close now, he came to my birthdays because he wanted to show he's flexible, he said he cant wait to get married he wants to have children with me someday, he tells me he loves me everynight. Just because a few members of his family are too strict to understand does not mean that he doesnt love me.
His best friend has introduced his girlfriend, (a worldly girl who I set him up with) to his parents and they said she was adorable, they are the mixed religon couple. He doesnt have that luxury and as soon as he is financially stable he plans to tell them and is ok with loosing his privilges. He isnt living any differently than all of his friends, who make up the majority of the people his age from the cong. He doesnt lie anymore than any other teenager, most kids sneak out, lie, have sex, and date under the radar sometimes. Now he doesnt lie, they dont ask where he goes because he is an adult and he has never been asked if he has a girlfriend. He dated some of the JW girls (who fyi do the same thing that the guys do, Ive met some of them and they arent any different) and he said that of the ones he was attracted to they werent fiesty enough for him, we both like a some one who speaks up. And how else do you propose he could have done this when we were in high school? His mother was ready to kick him out just for dating at 16/17 years old. He beleives strongly in Jehovah and everyone breaks the rules sometimes, and its not his fault that the people who run things are unaccepting.
Tonite I asked him what he would do if they found out tomorrow, and he said that he would get a place closer to mine and introduce me to the ones who would agree to meet me (probably his step dad, his father and his step mother, and a few of his aunts and uncles). And deal with what ever the cong. decided.
Sorry for the rant but a few of the comments were hurtful and the language was cruel and unnecesarry. I was upset to see how similarly people are judging him the way some of the elders would judge me. Without knowing him.
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70
How to make love & marriage work w/a JW
by StillinLove inplease dont comment saying to "run" or "get out while i can" thank you im not new to this, so i can handel it.
i have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we started dating in high school and now i am going to college and he is working.
i am 20 and he is 21, i was raised catholic but my mom and i are too open minded for the church so we left.
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StillinLove
These posts have been so comforting, even though the majority arent opptimistic, because for once Im talking to people who know what the hell theyre talking about! lol
Anywho, I guess the title of the post is a little misleading, neither of us has any desire to get hitched in the near future. I want to at least have started my grad program first, which means that we'll probably get engaged when Im 24 or so and Im a beleiver in the long engagement so married by 25 or 26 at the youngest. I want to move to Miami after I get out of school so I can use my fluency in spanish to help hispanohablantes (spanish speakers), and i plan to have my own practice before Im 40. So as you can see, Im not a very wishy-washy girl; I have some big plans. And he likes that part of me because hes the same way.
As far as children go... I was born to be a mother. I want kids more than anything in the world, and he would make an amazing dad. You know those dads who seem like real hard asses, but then they have a baby girl n they turn out to be a big teddy bear? He is one of those guys. I always tease him about that, with his own 16 year old sister (who I have met and really like) he is such a push over but if some boy pushes her around, the kid mite as well kiss his ass goodbye. I want to have a boy and a girl, and he is the only man on earth that I would want to have them with. sorry guys. I understand that life will be tough as nails, we are a mixed race and mixed religon couple and so far he has been worth every minute. And alot of all this advice on how to keep that going has been fantastic.
I really appriciate all the replies but I gotta say a few mentioned something that I thought was a little hypocritical.. On the subject of pre marital sex. Some people said that he would be hypocritical if he got mad about his kids having premarital sex when he did. And if im not mistaken isnt almost everyone that way? (Im about to sound like a book worm but o well) Its a fact that about 90% people under 25 have had premarital sex, and of people born between 1975 and 1980 about 80% had premarital sex. And I dont know one parent who wouldnt be at least a little upest that their kids had sex. And I would be too, although not in the same "lock-her-in the-basement-till-she's-married" way that he is (my own fathers favorite experession).
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70
How to make love & marriage work w/a JW
by StillinLove inplease dont comment saying to "run" or "get out while i can" thank you im not new to this, so i can handel it.
i have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we started dating in high school and now i am going to college and he is working.
i am 20 and he is 21, i was raised catholic but my mom and i are too open minded for the church so we left.
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StillinLove
By the way all of his friends know who I am and we are all really close, the only people his age who dont are the ones who no one trusts to keep thier mouths shut (which he doesnt hang with so they arent friends). He does plan on telling his family, but only when we get engaged because thats the only time they might take him seriously. And he knows my entire family.
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70
How to make love & marriage work w/a JW
by StillinLove inplease dont comment saying to "run" or "get out while i can" thank you im not new to this, so i can handel it.
i have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we started dating in high school and now i am going to college and he is working.
i am 20 and he is 21, i was raised catholic but my mom and i are too open minded for the church so we left.
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StillinLove
I realized as I was reading all the replys that I never really explained what I meant by his morals and for that matter anything esle we like about each other. Being that he is from an urban area and in school had countless opportunities to be in gangs and drugs his future could have been non-existant. But he didnt go the route that so many black men go; he doesnt smoke, he dosent really care for drinking, and he's never done anything else illegal and he grew up with dozens of friends who did. I know that because we are togther he is breaking the rules, but the reason he hasnt been able to tell them is because they are particularly up-tight compared to his friends parents; they would have kicked him out even at 16.I know I sound incredibly naive, lol, but this ishis description of how things will go from some texts we had last week:
- When we get engaged and Im out the house, they will probably be pretty pissed off at me, especially my mama. They wont hate me, but they mite come close to hatin you. My step dad and my real dad will prolly like you though, they not crazy like my mom.
- But once we get married some of them mite not want to meet you and some wont care that much, but its ok cuz you mean more to me than thier opinons ok? I really can see me and you gettin married one day, Im not kiddin babygirl i really do wanna spend my life wit u
So whether you beleive that he is moral or not its ok I understand were youre coming from, but the way he was raised they dont have much choice other than to sneak around, and I asked him what he thinks about raising kids that way"
-Lmfao how does it seem to be workin on me? Ummmm no i dont think im gone be dat stupid but id kill em if they had sex tho... but i think thats just a dad thing aint it? lol i think id b madder if it was my daughter but id still kick they butts either way
As far as why we like eachother? I love that he is so damn determined to be successful in his job and that he is so affectionate with me when he comes off like the tough guy with everyone else. He quit trying to "witness" me with any hope a long time ago, now we just start heated creation vs evolution debates (which are more laughter than yellin) for the make-up sex. Personally I am working towards my PhD in psychology and a minor in spanish (I should be graduating in about 7 years... yea) I have a 4.0. So like I said I am not dependant on anyone, and as terrible as it sounds and as bad as I feel saying it, I will probably be making more money than he will.
And from your comments it sparked a talk about the headship thing and he asked me "when have I ever done that?" and I couldnt think of anything... "so why would you think Im like that?" I said I was just afraid that we would have a big decision to make one day where he pulled that crap. He laughed and said " Im not afraid of you cuz Im like a foot taller and twice ur weight... but I still know youd kick my ass" So I just thought that i would mention that yes we really do love EACH OTHER not just me loving him. And I know it was your opinion, but I was still a little hurt by the comment about worldly girls being JW's sexual playthings.. HE waited a year and a half to have sex and the only reason we started to was because his friends started to and I had been trying to get him to loosen up the whole time (I was 16 and hormonal, sue me lol)
and yes i know there are no holidays. trust me, i dont really care that much because we have had that part worked out for over a year. I told him that I didnt care about the date or the stories but the tradition of gift giving was important to me so he said as long as the gifts are exchanged a week before or after he can deal.
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70
How to make love & marriage work w/a JW
by StillinLove inplease dont comment saying to "run" or "get out while i can" thank you im not new to this, so i can handel it.
i have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we started dating in high school and now i am going to college and he is working.
i am 20 and he is 21, i was raised catholic but my mom and i are too open minded for the church so we left.
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StillinLove
Please dont comment saying to "run" or "get out while I can" thank you Im not new to this, so I can handel it. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we started dating in high school and now I am going to college and he is working. I am 20 and he is 21, I was raised catholic but my mom and I are too open minded for the church so we left. He is a JW, him and his friends had always dated (almost always worldly girls) and hid it from thier parents and their congregation. Thats how he said it always is, the kids just sort of sneek around and have a very good system too. I know that he always wanted me to convert and tried to get me to and he always will, but when we discuss religion (which is often) I am never swayed and he has gotten used to it. And as he explained it; life would be much easier for us if we were both JW and obviously he would want me to be one b/c of his beleif about paradise earth. But thats not a big deal b/c he loves me regardless of my beleifs and we're very feisty so we actually have a pretty good time debating our differences.
So my concerns are; his religousness has made him incredibly small minded in certain ways and I am concerned about how that will affect our ability to raise kids. I am totally fine with them being raised as witnesses because he is an incredible person with strong values from his faith and I am not religous so I know that it is more important to him than me. BUT i do however want my kids to learn about other cultures, make friends with whoever they want, be allowed to date, and not ever be put in a position where they have to lie like he always has. What can i expect from him, and how can I ease the tension?
The other issue is that from what I know (which is alot at this point) from him and the watchtower website they are pretty sexist. “My husband exercises his headship in a loving and kind way,” says Susan. “We usually discuss decisions, and when he decides what will or will not be done, I know it is for our benefit. Jehovah’s arrangement for Christian wives really makes me happy" is from the website and pretty much says it all. I am incredibly headstrong and dont give a damn what the bible says because I dont follow it, so I wont be following that model. Problem being: how do I get him to understand that Im not that kind of woman and dont want to be? I want to get him to realize that we need to be able to work together as equals and he needs to back down on that one? He understands my side but says "thats what the bible says so..." so my question is how do i get him to get over that and compermise?