Posts by embarrassed

21

You have to admit, the carrot is pretty alluring.

by John Aquila in

there were several families that were visiting my mom today and i was sitting in and just listening to all of them talk..

they started talking about the recent shooting at the university.

and its so easy for them because all they have to say is;.

embarrassed

I was attracted to the jws for the same reasons... i honestly thought i was a part of some social justice crusade that was going to help the world by teaching people about jehovah and his organization! seriously, i am seriously serious! i am deeply affected emotionally when i see the suffering and injustice in the world and for such a long time all i wanted was for jehovah to make things right, as they should and needed to be. but, after some time, i saw the futility in the preaching work and the hypocrisy and misogyny in the organization........ i still hold onto the hope that one day humanity will reach true peace and justice for all. but, i don't know if it will ever happen. it makes me sad..............

2

watching "scandal," drinking wine, and reading jw.com

by embarrassed in

if i'm not on facebook, i'm on j-w.com.

my idea of entertainment, and it makes me feel like i didn't waste the last 11 years of my life!

anybody here watch "scandal"?

embarrassed

i wish my bf would get into it! lol

he got mad at the scene when cyrus and his man got naked to confess to each other the truth. my bf got up and left saying, this is crazy! hahaha

wine..... and jwnnnn and scandallllll

2

watching "scandal," drinking wine, and reading jw.com

by embarrassed in

if i'm not on facebook, i'm on j-w.com.

my idea of entertainment, and it makes me feel like i didn't waste the last 11 years of my life!

anybody here watch "scandal"?

embarrassed

if i'm not on facebook, i'm on j-w.com. my idea of entertainment, and it makes me feel like i didn't waste the last 11 years of my life!

anybody here watch "scandal"? It's absolutely ludicrous, but fun to watch with a bottle of wine!

watching on my lonesome, wish i had a fave girlfriend to watch this dumbass show with! in the meantime, i got all the crazy theories and topics on this site :-)

24

i'm changing, but for the worse

by embarrassed in

that is the truth-- that's really how i think now.

so why should i tell the truth?

just look at the person i've become.

embarrassed

When i was a jw I really valued telling the truth and being an honest person. Even if I paid a heavy consequence later, I did my best to tell the truth as often as possible. I was very proud of my honesty and my truthfulness. My integrity as a person and as a jw was very important to me.

But over time, I have changed as a person, and I believe it has been for the worse. When I was done with the religion, I tried to hold onto my integrity, I tried to hold onto being an honest and truthful person, but I got tired of paying heavy consequences for them. I started to see the value in lying, and now I do it wayyyyy more than I should be comfortable with. And I have been doing it sooooo much lately with the person my bf.

Today I confessed to lying to my boyfriend about something I let snowball into a series of lies for no reason. In the beginning I was truthful often, but I didn't see any benefits from it. in my naivete, I told the truth all of the time. But I was still slammed because he didn't believe me. I confessed today about the lie I told yesterday, knowing that it would be held against me later as almost all of my mistakes are, because I thought that if I confessed he would see that I am not a liar. Don't ask me how that makes sense. I was trying to show him my heart, be real, be genuine. I was going to get caught in the lie, true, but that's not why I confessed. I confessed because I was embarassed about my lying for no reason, and I was ashamed.

I'm conflicted. I want to be a good person, but I'm losing my way. I want to blame my bf for why I've become this way. But in my heart, I know that I am no longer an honest and truthful person. At least, not with him. I've seen him lie so many times, I've seen him cover up his behavior that I feel I have the right to do the same thing too. Isn't that funny, how that works? My reasoning has become where I think, if someone else can do bad and doesn't care what I think, then why can't I do bad and disregard what he says? That is the truth-- that's really how I think now. My ex lies, my bf lies, and they don't really care what I think about their lies and cover-ups or how it affects me. So why should I tell the truth? I am angry in my heart, and I am also very sad. Just look at the person I've become.

I have damaged the relationship in a major way by confessing. Now he believes the truths I told him in the beginning of the relationship are lies. (He always thought they were lies, and I always fought against his characterization of me as a Iiar. Now he can call me that with impunity bc I confessed.) I should not have lied about this stupid thing in the first place, I should not have let it snowball. I should not have confessed.

I'm lost.

21

i'm stupid, right?

by embarrassed in

i am on here as another member, but even with a username and not revealing my identity, i am still too embarrassed to use it.

had to make up a new one.

that being said.... my boyfriend is watching pornography, and it seriously hurts my feelings.

embarrassed

I am on here as another member, but even with a username and not revealing my identity, I am still too embarrassed to use it. Had to make up a new one.

That being said...

My boyfriend is watching pornography, and it seriously hurts my feelings. I feel betrayed by it. Last year, we were going through lots of problems. He decided that he would no longer be intimate with me to prove the point that he is not just with me for sex. Don't ask me how that makes sense. I would cry to him to please make love to me, and he would not. He wasn't even affectionate with me. It was devastating.

Well, I stuck it out with him despite him using sex as a form of punishment. Eventually things got even worse between him and I-- lots of verbal and emotional abuse, and what looked like the signs that physical abuse was going to begin... He was yelling in my face, stomping his feet on the ground next to my barefeet (and he had boots on), and slamming his hand against the dresser. I was in the hospital for a short period and he even cursed at me there. There was lots of alcohol abuse on his part, and when I talked to him about it, he said that he didn't care. That he was going to keep on drinking. I spoke to his mom about it.She literally said to me, "Well, at least he doesn't hit you or cheat on you." It was a very difficult time, and I couldn't handle the stress anymore. I kicked him out under the condition that he would go to counseling, go get a physical done, stop drinking, stop smoking, and get serious about finding work. Yes, that too-- he is unemployed!!!

Okay, after about 2 months, it looked like he was keeping his end of the bargain so I said that he could come back. Now it's 2 months later, and he's picked up a lot of his bad habits again. Meanwhile-- we are still not having sex. TBH, I didn't really want to because I was afraid of being emotionally vulnerable due to all of our problems. Well, now he is all offended that I won't be with him! He was the one that took the sex away in the first place, and now he's throwing hissy fits because I won't give it up! And on top of that, he's watching porn!

He's still not affectionate, still doesn't give me compliments, or do anything that a girl would like to receive from her boyfriend. I've talked over and over and over about building up the intimacy by touching and kissing and hugging. Nope. He wants straight on action. It's very frustrating.

Be real with me, people-- I'm stupid, right?