Confusedandangry, what you are feeling is normal. You are normal. You are entitled to feel like you do. Your feelings are entirely justifiable. Don't ever, ever feel like you are to blame or that there is something wrong with you. To the contrary, there is something very wrong with the organization to which we have all once belonged.
I was in your position about 12 years ago. Here's what helped: I read everything I could, particularly in the area of credible, authoritative research on evolution, ancient history, ancient humans, so-called "flood" geology, the history of the earth and of Jehovah's Witnesses. I also read Crisis of Conscience, which should be on the top of your list. Franz is a gentle, insightful, articulate writer who speaks absolute truth. I know enough from first hand experience about the inner workings of Bethel and everything he says is consistent with what I have seen.
Hang out here! You are among people who have experienced what you are going through. And survived! There's a really great life out there, free from the craziness. You can make it.