Morning Session:
9:40 Music (Featuring the lastest yawn-inducing hits!!!)
9:50 Song and Prayer (Where we sing in monotone and then thank God for being better than everyone else.)
10:00 "The Scene of This World Is Changing" (Better technology, longer lifespans, reletivaly peaceful compared to most periods of human history, it's great!)
- How It Affects Us (We're running out of things to complain about... but give us a sec. We'll think of something.)
10:15 "Now Our Salvation Is Nearer"(...than it was in 1914, 1925, 1942, 1975, & 2000. We mean it this time.)
10:40 Go Forth With a Purpose(...to mislead and recruit ingnorant souls.)
10:55 Song and Announcements(The word 'Song' is used loosely here. And "This just in: Brothers and Sisters, You're in a Cult.")
11:05 Don't Use the World to the Full, But Fully Accomplish Your Ministry(Learning about science, history, philosophy, and providing a good income for your family is a waste of time. Instead you need to go forth and tell people you're better than they are and that they deserve to die.)
11:35 Dedication and Baptism(Let's see 3 born-in children [ages 7, 10, & 15], a mentally handicapped person, and 2 poor souls who were too busy and/or lazy to do actual research into our claims. We'll be lucky if ONE of them is stll attending meetings in ten years.)
12:05 Song(Or, a string of notes intended NOT to provoke an emotional response. Enjoy your crackers, cheese, and Red Bull. Have your sorry ass back in your God-given seat by 1:00 pm.)
AFTERNOON SESSION:
1:20 Music(Hearlding the start of another exciting assembly session!)
1:30 Song(Again, the word 'Song' is used loosely here.)
1:35 Experiences(We promise all of these are true to life and not embellished in any way. As far as you know.)
1:45 Watchtower Summary(Summary: Blah, blah blah, Submit, blah, blah blah, Obey, blah, blah, blah, Does it not warm your heart?)
2:15 Exercise Soundness of Mind During Youth(All the youth are asleep, despite their Red Bull. Everyone sleeps during the 2:00 talk. Duh.)
2:30 "Anxious for the Things of the Lord"(Anxious for this thing to end.)
2:45 Song and Announcements(Elevator music, and "6 were baptised! And for each one of them, another in this audience will eventually leave! Some of you are thinking apostate thoughts already! All we can do is hope for a net gain over time! Are we not thankful to Jehovah for our negligable and suspicious increases!" *applause* "Oh and we're running a deficit for this assembly, so we pray that your minds are closed and your wallets are open.")
2:55 "The Time Left Is Reduced" – How Will You Use It?(Seriously it is. Pretend we havn't been saying this for 130 years. You should spend the remaining time pioneering you little heart out, neglecting your health, future, worldly family, and reality. Or [since only a tiny fraction of you will go with the first option] you can half-ass it and live your life in the cognitive dissonance of knowing that the end probably isn't "near" and try to maintain some form of a normal life despite adhereing to a backwards and illogical worldview.)
3:55 Song and Prayer(Again, the word 'Song' is used loosely here. And by 'Prayer' we mean another public talk where the brother delivers it with his eyes closed, and reminds Jehovah of everything that was in the progam that day. Olive Garden here we come!!!)
