Thank you so much.
Posts by ~Jen~
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13Has anyone dealt with custody issues after leaving?
by ~Jen~ ini left my husband at the end of june.
we were having a lot of issues in our marriage that i tried to talk about and he refused to see or even acknowledge.
me leaving was the final straw but to him i just up and left for "no reason".
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13
Has anyone dealt with custody issues after leaving?
by ~Jen~ ini left my husband at the end of june.
we were having a lot of issues in our marriage that i tried to talk about and he refused to see or even acknowledge.
me leaving was the final straw but to him i just up and left for "no reason".
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~Jen~
I left my husband at the end of June. We were having a lot of issues in our marriage that I tried to talk about and he refused to see or even acknowledge. Me leaving was the final straw but to him I just up and left for "no reason". To him our marriage was fine because well, you know...we were witnesses and witnesses don't split up no matter what. We have 3 little boys - age 3,3 and 2
On the day I left I went in and told him I was leaving him, and I immediately started a relationship with another man - a former JW who I knew growing up. NOT the best idea, I know that but it happened.
I posted what happened soon after I left in another thread so I wont get into that but for the rest of June, July and August I didn't have a place to take the boys so I would go to "our" house and spent some time with them. At first my ex made it really weird, he would sit there on the couch and stare at me, follow me around and just stop and stare with puppy dog eyes and not say a word. The inlaws live in our basement and also made it weird since now I'm DF'd and they have to shun me. So for 2 months this went on. On a couple occasions I switched the days I was going to come see the boys because I wasn't feeling well.
As of September 1st, I got my own apartment and bought 3 beds and 3 mattresses for my kids and since then I've had them from Sunday after the meeting until Wednesday morning. I work full time, so when I'm at work my mother in law babysits them as she always has.
So we're going through custody issues - basically my ex has said he knows I'm a great mom, knows the kids should be with me and there's no reason not to. BUT, in typical JW fashion, him and his family are ASSUMING that I've gone right off the deepend because I no longer want to be a JW. They are assuming that I'm living some crazy party lifestyle, drinking constantly and doing drugs. I've told my EX that I'm not doing those things and he says "I believe you but you no longer are a JW and I have to assume you are doing these things because I have no way of knowing that you aren't"
We both have our lawyers. I'm asking for 50/50 custody with something in there saying that I would support him raising the kids JW (even though now I'm not so sure I want that).
He is asking for the house, the car, the kids - everything.
We had a meeting with our lawyers yesterday and he has a JW lawyer (who we used to be in the same congregation with BTW). She says that she has "something" on me and she couldn't in her right conscience let me have the kids 50% of the time. She wouldn't tell me OR my lawyer what it was although I'm hoping they talk this week. Anyways, she states some case law to support it but again wouldn't say what the case law was. She also demanded that we speed up the divorce, that I "admit" to adultry so the EX can move on with his social life.
Talking to my lawyer - he can't see how she could have anything against me. Yes, for 2 months I only visited the kids at OUR home about 4-5 times/week because I had no where to take them. I was confused and it was hard with what was going on - being DF'd and dealing with crazy family members.
Thing is, I think my EX is LYING to his lawyer. i already know he's taken words I said about our marriage and told the lawyer I said it about the kids (I can't do this anymore, I'm not happy, etc...). We have got in 2 fights since the seperation and his lawyer knew about them and seemed to be under the impression that I fly off the handle all the time. They are also trying to attack my mental health (which I'm not worried about because I've already seen my Dr and have her backing that there's nothing in my history - past or present that would give her any concern about my mothering.
I confronted the ex at our meeting that he told me one thing - that he knows Im' a good mom etc, but is telling his lawyer something else. He sat there the whole meeting with his head down like a beaten animal - I almost feel like he knows I'm a good mom and knows he's lying and being forced by his parents and gung-ho lawyer to get full custody because I'm not JW and now a "bad" person.
So my question is - has anyone been through this? I'm so scared of losing my kids, I have done NOTHING wrong and find it very ironic that I'm now the "worldly" one who's trying to be fair and he's the lying JW. it's also strange that his lawyer is saying I'm not a devoted parent and that she can't in her right mind let me have joint custody, yet I ALREADY have the kids for almost half the week and have had them since September 1st. IF what they had was so bad that I would lose custody - why would they let me have the kids now?
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39
So you're out - first thing you did was.....
by wantstoleave indid you 'break the rules' full force?
did you go celebrate a birthday?
buy xmas decorations?
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~Jen~
Had the best sex of my life, got drunk, smoked a joint, got a tattoo, tried smoking and celebrated a birthday :D
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27
Do you have many friends since leaving the bOrg?
by AK - Jeff ini don't have many in my physical sphere.
but the ones i have are good ones.
of course we share no 'history', since i never had a 'worldly' friend until i left at 48.. in my cyberworld [and some would argue the credence of that] i have found many fine souls with which to commiserate, share, grow.
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~Jen~
The "instant friend network" was fake and I never felt like I had any true friends in the borg.
I've been out for 3 months now and have more friends and support than I had inside. My EX who's still in? He's told me that he has no one, even his best "friend" won't bother with him or support him and his own parents are being selfish and manipulative.
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~Jen~
My EX and I waited. However, I do regret it. If we had of slept together before we got married I never would have married him.
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Question about your spouse or ex
by bluecanary ini've noticed we have a few male posters here with wives who are still in the jws.
and i can think of one female poster (cognac) with a husband in the jws (although things are looking up for her).
of course we have a few spouses that came out together.. is it me, or does it seem like the women here are more likely to have divorced their jw husband--even before leaving--whereas the men are more likely to stay with their wives?
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~Jen~
I was married at 20. Married for 7.5 years with 3 young kids. We've recently seperated this summer and are going through a divorce. I decided to leave the JW's and he never would.
I married the wrong person for what I thought were the right reasons when I was young. He loved Jehovah and would keep me on the "straight and narrow" even though he wasn't what I wanted and we had nothing in common.
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39
Question about your spouse or ex
by bluecanary ini've noticed we have a few male posters here with wives who are still in the jws.
and i can think of one female poster (cognac) with a husband in the jws (although things are looking up for her).
of course we have a few spouses that came out together.. is it me, or does it seem like the women here are more likely to have divorced their jw husband--even before leaving--whereas the men are more likely to stay with their wives?
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~Jen~
I was married at 20. Married for 7.5 years with 3 young kids. We've recently seperated this summer and are going through a divorce. I decided to leave the JW's and he never would.
I married the wrong person for what I thought were the right reasons when I was young. He loved Jehovah and would keep me on the "straight and narrow" even though he wasn't what I wanted and we had nothing in common.
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Were You Always Feeling Guilty As A Witness?
by minimus ini think the religion works on guilt.
everyone is made to feel they're not good enough some how or perhaps they practice a "secret sin" and it gnaws at them.
so they decide to pioneer or "do more", recognizing they can never really make up for whatever shortcomings they have.. were you a guilt ridden jw?
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~Jen~
Always. I constantly felt that I could never be good enough so what's the point?
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34
My Story
by ~Jen~ ini was raised a jw by very strict parents who, in my early teen years were physically and then later emotionally abusive all the while with my dad being and elder (and he still is).
i didn't want to be a jw then but my life was all about making my parents happy which started with me being baptized at 13. my parents constantly drilled into my head that most things were "bad" and i was "bad" i constantly did whatever i could to avoid being bad.
i had no life but then met a nice jw boy when i was 17. against my better judgement, i stayed with him and married him when i was 20. i didn't have a lot in common with him but he was really nice and was safe - he was a witness and even though i wanted to be in the world so bad i chose to be with him because he would keep me grounded, in the truth and away from where i really wanted to be because it was the right thing to do.. we were married for 7 years and have 3 sons.. for the past few years i've known that i did not want to be a jw even more and was sick of being fake.
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~Jen~
Thank you so much for the kind words and support!
I am looking up the books mentioned and thought I'd ask if anyone had anyother recommendations for self-help books?
I have talked to my family Dr about leaving the JW's and she has given me a referral to a support group for abused woman - because that's how she views the whole shunning situation as well as pretty much all the mind control that's been going on all my life.
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34
My Story
by ~Jen~ ini was raised a jw by very strict parents who, in my early teen years were physically and then later emotionally abusive all the while with my dad being and elder (and he still is).
i didn't want to be a jw then but my life was all about making my parents happy which started with me being baptized at 13. my parents constantly drilled into my head that most things were "bad" and i was "bad" i constantly did whatever i could to avoid being bad.
i had no life but then met a nice jw boy when i was 17. against my better judgement, i stayed with him and married him when i was 20. i didn't have a lot in common with him but he was really nice and was safe - he was a witness and even though i wanted to be in the world so bad i chose to be with him because he would keep me grounded, in the truth and away from where i really wanted to be because it was the right thing to do.. we were married for 7 years and have 3 sons.. for the past few years i've known that i did not want to be a jw even more and was sick of being fake.
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~Jen~
I was raised a JW by very strict parents who, in my early teen years were physically and then later emotionally abusive all the while with my dad being and Elder (and he still is). I didn't want to be a JW then but my life was all about making my parents happy which started with me being baptized at 13. My parents constantly drilled into my head that most things were "bad" and I was "bad" I constantly did whatever I could to avoid being bad. I had no life but then met a nice JW boy when I was 17. Against my better judgement, I stayed with him and married him when I was 20. I didn't have a lot in common with him but he was really nice and was safe - he was a witness and even though I wanted to be in the world so bad I chose to be with him because he would keep me grounded, in the truth and away from where I really wanted to be because it was the right thing to do.
We were married for 7 years and have 3 sons.
For the past few years I've known that I did not want to be a JW even more and was sick of being fake. I was beyond frustrated by so many judgemental people. I felt like it was impossible to keep up with their standards. I had a husband who wouldn't listen to what I was really saying, was miserable and depressed and had a horrible sex life. My husband is a great guy and we were best friends but there was no physical connection there. Sex was always akward and weird and he always treated me like I was dirty.
2 months ago someone came back into my life. He's someone who I was in love with when I was a teenager. He used to be a JW but my parents forbid me from having anything to do with him because he was "bad". This friend has now been DF'd for 12 years. I was at the point that I knew I could no longer stay married to my husband because he was not what I needed, I knew for years I didn't want to be a witness but didn't know that I COULD leave because I was always told that I couldn't and there was no way my husband would ever leave or ever be supportive of me leaving. So I left and have been with this friend since.
Before I was officially DF'd I had my brother and his wife (JW's) trick me into coming to their house under the premise that they "cared" and just wanted to talk about what was going on with me. Well, they ended up taking my keys and purse away and took me to the hospital, lied to the Dr and told him I was suicidal. They wanted me checked into the hospital and put on meds because I was "crazy". When the Dr came in I explained myself to him and he told my brother that he needed to give me my stuff back or he could be charged with kidnapping. On the way home my brother yelled at me and told me I'd be better off dead. The next day my mom came over and told me that if I was DF'd then she'd kill herself.
I talked to the elders who gave me tons of time before officially DF'ing me even though my mind was made up. I stayed with my boyfriend while I got my stuff together and now have my own place so I can share custody of the kids. I'm DF'd and basically have no one at this point except the boyfriend, and a small group of X-JW's who I grew up with and am now reconnected with.
I find that now that I'm out, it's a huge blow to everything I am. I was raised in this innocent, naive and very manipulative world and now that I'm out in the real world I'm finding it a little daunting especially not really having a huge support network. I've been so manipulated my whole life and it's hard to see what's real and what is garbage that they have fed my mind. It's hard to have the self confidence when i realize just how sheltered I've been my whole life.
One thing that I'm dealing with is being told that no one will love me outside of the JW's. That anyone out in the world (as in the guy I'm with) is only going to use me and then hurt me. They have me believing that I'm going to end up alone and miserable because that's what happens to people in the "world". Even though I know this is what I want, it's still affecting me and making me crazy. This guy - I like him so much and have so much in common with him. I honestly didn't know that you could be with someone that was so right for you, someone who likes the same things and I genuinely enjoy being with and WANT to be with. We both liked each other back then and the same feelings re-emerged instantly. But I'm so scared to let myself go and trust people because I've been taught that I can't trust anyone who's not a JW. This guy - he's been with a lot of girls and has had a lot of failed relationships. When we met again after so long we re-connected right away. He has told me that I am not like any of the girls he's been with - I've always been very honest hearted and caring. He's shown me that he's serious and that this isn't a game, that we don't really know what will happen but he really wants be together and try to have something with me. But I'm scared of what people have told me though - that he's had relationships and is only using me, that he'll never really care or love me and that he's just feeding me lines. I want to trust him with myself but find myself believing the JW lies that they are saying to try and get me to come back- that because he's "worldly" that I couldn't possibly mean something to him. I feel like JW's use SO much manipulation to scare you into coming back. It's really confusing when you see that you could be really happy but then you have these old people in a life you had that was fake telling you that you will never be as happy as you were when you were JW.
I feel like I've been a fake person my whole life and am happy that I finally can be the person I want but at the same time it's something I know that will take time because I now need to shake all the lies that I've been taught.