Wow. As we're heading into the second half of January, I remember...it's been nearly 3 years since this moment. Hopefully anyone who reads this post will realize it's been 3 years...if not, awk-ward...
I'm remembering it more now because my wife brought it up again, last Saturday night. We were in traffic, heading for my parents' house, and she wanted me to put on my turn signal to get over, but I told her that even though other people were doing that, they weren't driving my car, and neither was she. So we got into a bit of an argument about it, because she didn't appreciate my saying that, and probably it was uncalled for...
But after we got to my parents' house, the argument continued, though not in front of my parents, thankfully (but they may have heard some of it, for all I know, not from my end since I kept my voice neutral). She said to me, "Remember the last time you lost control behind the wheel?" She was referring to this night, the night that this thread was about, when she told the elders everything, turned me in.
(Some people seemed a little confused about the 'charges' at the time I posted this; it was me having (1) had sex with her in the months before our marriage, and she confessed it about two months after we married, and (2) had doubts about the 'faithful slave', which she discovered by reading one of my e-mails to a non-JW.)
I seem to have phrased it wrong in my original post here, as I didn't speed while I was in the parking lot, since I didn't want to have an accident. I waited until I got to the exit of the lot, looked both ways, and then stepped on the gas. As I reminded my wife, (1) at no time was I not in control of the vehicle, (2) at no time did I exceed the posted speed limit (I know because I glanced at the speedometer when I let go of the gas and it had just barely reached 35 mph), and (3) at no time was any other vehicle or object even remotely close enough for me to hit.
But she felt I endangered her and my stepdaughter. After all, she probably had no way of knowing if I was going to just keep going until we hit something or something hit us. Yes, I was wrong for losing control and taking it out on the gas pedal, I've no problem admitting that. But I did not put them in harm's way even despite that mistake. If we'd gotten to the intersection and I showed no signs of slowing down, or if cars had had to swerve out of the way and honk at us, or etc., then yeah, something bad could've happened.
I guess it's sad to say that she still remembers that day quite vividly, my wife. I can't remember ever feeling so enraged in my life. And yet so powerless. It's a pain that was thoroughly burned into my memory.
I wish I hadn't let the hate get hold of me in that moment. Was just reading a really good line in 'Ender's Game', that when your anger is cold, you can use it, but when it's hot, it uses you. ... It troubles me to wonder how often my wife remembers what happened three years ago. And maybe it was the last real and true moment our marriage has even had, a time when at least there was absolute honesty.
When she brought this up on Saturday, she complained that I never showed any emotion to her. What I thought then, but never said to her, was, "You took that luxury from me, three years ago." Since then it's been a facsimile of who I really am. Guarding my feelings and thoughts and often not even sharing with her even things that make me happy, if I can avoid it.
It was the right thing for her to do, as a JW. I guess it was wrong of me to expect someone else to have their own code, something that lived and thrived without JW words to shape it. Everything about it, about who I became once I started on this path 4 years ago of questioning the Society's teachings, it was all wrong. I got strong enough to see it, but maybe too late for it to matter. Maybe not.
I've said too many bad things about my wife here. She's a decent enough woman, just trying to make lemonade with the lemons life gave her. I guess...it was very discouraging to know that she thinks about those events, the confession and its aftermath, maybe just as much as I do. Except without seeing the man who was hurting so much beneath the weight of everything--sleep-deprived, sole-provider of the home, taking care of a daughter that wasn't mine, and hoping to have a peaceful life regardless of beliefs with the woman he loved. Not illogical, really, it's not like she didn't have fears and worries of her own.
That's old history now. I just can't seem to beat old history, though.
I probably have a long memory about being turned in to the elders. But I don't bring it up anymore. It wouldn't be fair to her. The thing I felt the worst about was how much it hurt her to be in that situation. I only wish I'd thought of that before we even had sex the first time. There wasn't enough honesty in me to do the right thing when it mattered most.
But it could be worse. She attends the meetings sporadically, I get to watch more 'Lord of the Rings' when she's out, and we take care of the kids. My son is crawling now. It's amazing just how many diapers it takes to get a kid through early childhood. Anyway, I think the kids have become a comfort and a way to at least put off dealing with marriage issues. At the same time, they have ringside seats to our conflicts--even my stepdaughter wanted my wife to stop when she was yelling at me in the car on Saturday. So it's not so good.
In a month's time, it'll be a year without marital due. We tried once in November and it was painful for her, and that was it. That's not the end of the world. It's not necessarily a reflection of her being mad at me or something. She's just tired and in pain a lot since the pregnancy. I think I have a clearer sense of that now than I did before, so changing perspective has helped in that regard.
I just devote myself to reading and doing my job as a dad and husband and...hoping for a better day. I realize that there's no bad guy here, just two people in an imperfection situation doing the best they can with what they have.
I guess...I've revisited this thread on occasion since 3 years ago, but I had no idea that those events would be brought up again by my wife. It's a bit depressing, but I'll be okay. Just needed to vent about it.
I've been talking to Jamiebowers about this a little, about reading 'Atlas Shrugged' and feeling like my marriage is so similar to Hank Rearden's relationship with his wife Lillian. I haven't finished the book yet, though, I'm almost at the halfway point, so...don't spoil it if you've read the whole thing, please... But I admit it was heartbreaking to read what I felt like were my own feelings so eloquently expressed. I mean, it's not entirely the same, but that sense of being distant and guarded and wondering if she's using my own moral code to torture me, those themes are definitely there. I'm curious to see how the book ends, though. And indeed, how my own, real-life relationship will continue. I wonder what 10 years of this will be like. Or 20. Well, we'll see.
Thankfully, the Borg has long been ousted from this sector, and I'm exploring life as best I can. Mostly through reading. In some ways it feels weird, like I was the kid who quit school only to sit on the front steps and read a book, like that pathetic Milhouse moment from 'The Simpsons' when there's like a home-schooling thing going on and he gets recess? I guess I took on a crutch to replace the one I was ridding myself of, and that was my mistake. I made too many big choices before I learned how to stand up on my own.
At least now I know that I can stand. That there wasn't anything wrong with me. No matter what happens, if I can remember that much, I'll be fine.
--sd-7
