To this day, it's still very hard, as someone who has never been an elder, to fully grasp elders' perspective. Even folks on here who were once elders--I'm still having difficulty being able to forgive even the ones who have awakened. Maybe it's wrong to feel that way and it's nothing personal against any of you. I think it's just...I can remember trying my best to pour my heart out to them in the distant past and feeling like they were utterly useless. Their responses were either devoid of compassion and even basic Christian decency or something I could have read in the Watchtower myself.
I only ever saw them as policemen, or prison guards. They always seemed aloof, different, in a way that...well, seemed devoid of what I imagined exemplary Christians would look like. They were always hustling here and there, or meeting together like Knights of the Round Table, and they'd greet you and you wondered if they were mind-readers or had X-ray vision so you said little and stayed out of trouble. I did get to deal with the congregation accounts for awhile so it gave me a chance to work a little closer with them. (The accounts were always a mess, needlessly hard to reconcile, and frankly it was either that WT's accounting instructions made no sense or we just weren't following them, or maybe both. And I say that as an accountant myself [not that I care much for accounting, but that's another story].)
But they generally seemed joyless. Looking at their lives (not so much their flaws, though they had plenty, but the quality of their lives in terms of 'do they look happy?'), I realized I did not want to be an elder. What person of conscience could sit in judgment of his fellowman and not second-guess himself, wonder if he really made the right choice? And you have to choose to cut this person off from their whole world. I couldn't sleep at night knowing I'd done that.
I figured that people who could had to have something wrong inside, something missing. Something that should be there the most for men entrusted with judging.
It wasn't until my own judicial committee that I finally saw the true face of the organization, and of what elders can be. They don't and can't hear what you are saying. They don't know who you are and can't know who you are. Their job is just that, a job. Hired men looking after the sheep. Maybe even hired wolves looking after the sheep. There aren't even bones left when they're done. There seems to be no consciousness of what they are doing to people. PEOPLE.
Maybe I'm just too sensitive a person, but...how could you do it? Does it bother you now?
I feel that elders were among the most active participants in the spiritual and emotional abuse of millions of people. We all had our part, all of our hands are dirty. I don't think I'll ever feel clean again.
I guess it's something I have to figure out how to deal with. I'm proud of the ex-elders (or even current elders) who have awakened and have done their best to show conscience and compassion. Maybe it's really that I'm ashamed I was part of this, too, though not as an elder. I don't know.
Sorry, I got carried away. Sounds like some pretty crazy stories you guys had to deal with. It never ceases to amaze me.
--sd-7