Lady Viola, I totally understand where you are coming from. I too am trapped inside because I refuse to leave without my family. To leave would mean to have a different life, a separate existence, from them. Their lives are all wrapped up with the organization, so I play along as best as I can, doing an extremely slow fade and doing what I discreetly can to get them to start thinking for themselves. But I, too, sometimes, feel physically ill listening to the divisive, self-promoting propaganda at the meetings and have done the rush to the restroom a few times myself. Fortunately, right now the weather is agreeable so sometimes I just walk around outside to get some fresh air and clear my head for a while. I have discovered that being aware, being part of the conscious class, can be a lonely place to be sometimes. But it helps me to know that there are so many out there just like myself.
Get the help that you need. This is a difficult time of transition for you. But you will get through it. There are many of us out here, fighting in the best way we know how, for our freedom and hoping that we can also free the ones we love. So, please remember you are not alone. Here I am across the world from you, feeling much the same way. We are all here, to listen and to help when we can, as we can truly understand some of what you are going through. If you like, please pm me anytime, and continue to post, especially when you are feeling sad and lost.