How did I handle it? I took on more responsiblities and the elders gladly gave them to me.
A couple of years later I was appointed MS, while a servant - (note I did all of this at the same time...) I conducted the second school, scheduled public talks, conducted a book study, worked on every quick build, aux pioneered, was in dramas regularly, gave parts on the assemblies, was one of the few that mowed the KH lawn regularly, picked up and looked after several older sisters - my world had no "me time" and I was only 23!!!. I had no hobbies, no interests, no life outside the "truth". My true identity was masked. I did not know who I was. I still am trying to find that out. I still have a hard time truly enjoying myself as I feel guilty for having uninhibited fun. At age 27 I was appointed elder - what a joke... I had no business being an elder, yet that was what you did... never turn down an assignment.
No insurance, no job, no savings, no education... I was a loser! To this day, it is hard to remember any real day to day details from those times - it brings so much sadness to me to think how that wonderful time in life from age 18 to mid/late 30s was lost. Gone. The little things you do, the friends you make, the things you learn. All GONE and I will never get that time of life back. Do I sound bitter? I am. but I try really hard to put that behind me... but as I get older I feel so deprived and the thought of my mortality without having those special times in my memories is very painful to me. I hate what this religion did to me. I hate that I was so blind and believed the lies.
Flash forward to a few years ago and all of that guilt, fear, loss, sadness, depression, feelings of inadequacy culminated into me being a pretty miserable person. That feeling was never shared with anyone - my wife had no clue, I masked it with my elder happy face - sure that in the new system all of this wouldnt matter.
Thats when it happened... another woman... a girl really, started giving me attention at work. She was in her early 20s and smart, pretty, energetic, had a wonderful outlook on life, she had a wonderful, loving, caring family that also took an interest in me - and all of that attention caught me off guard - felt refreshing, gave me something positive to focus on in my miserable existence. She represented the part of my life that I had never experienced.
Those missing years of my youth were now right before me. However, it was a huge mistake. It almost cost me my family - it certainly damaged and hurt them. But at the time, I felt a freedom - freedom to do and say what I wanted - no fear of man or god.
However, nobody in JW Land cared to know the why's or offered to help me through this state of uncertainty and confusion. Everyone assumed that I was just a bad man, only wanting pleasure and was selfish and didn't love anyone but himself.
My parents, siblings, friends all avoided me like the plague. While their accusations were partly true - as I was enjoying my new found escape - this was the most eye opening experience of my life and to be truthful, it made me who I am today.
I regret with my whole heart for causing my wife to cry herself to sleep, to be so betrayed, to lose someone that she trusted - I hate it and will never let that disgust in myself fully go away - it's sort of an internal alarm system for me to never put myself in that situation or hide any confused feelings from her ever again. It made me aware of how much I treasure family because I almost lost my family.
It also made me quite aware t
