I originally had written a post that personally described EVERYTHING I wanted to say about this post and the presumption made in this post. However, the internet connection (ironically) severed and I didn't know, so when i hit 'submit' ....it lost everything I said. Now i'm a bit more calm...so i'm going to say my piece about this thread:
I was very upset about this post. I have struggled with the idea of therapy for the last 2 years. For the longest time I had no clue what was wrong with me. I struggled with my anxiety, fear, and hopelessness. The despair that has built up only is the product of my lack of faith that i lost over the years because of the lack of support i've received, and my own personal hardships and inability to focus towards the future. when you have despair, nothing seems to work right. I've BEGGED and pleaded people to help me. I've gone to doctors been on Ativan and therapy counseling that work on a 'sliding scale' ONLY to tell my OWN therapist what was wrong wtih me in the end. I diagnoised myself and SHE confirmed and said she made a mistake and thought i was paranoid personality disorder. I researched and found out that I had 9 out of 9 symptoms, but this was the secondary nature of my problem to the primary root problem and the primary had evolved into the secondary. It wasn't shown or revealed to me by some THERAPIST.My root problem was revealed to me bya friend of mine, maybe my mentor. A dear friend who had gone through something similar and recognized the symptoms. And being able to reveal tha tinformation, opened up the door to be able to see things more clearly. It explained why i do the things i do, why i feel the way i feel, think th eway i think and so forth. However, having being painted red with this disorder, it's intensely difficult to get rid of paint. See there's not 'pain thinner/paint thinner' for PTSD and BPD. And As i begged people to help me, continually in my therapy and the lack of support I received except for a hand few for a short while, the despair built up even more. Because THERAPY IS EXPENSIVE. And the SLIDING scale therapist...don't know what they're talking about. I had to TELL MY therapist that i diagnoised what was wrong with me, and SHE confirmed and told me her own presumption and prediagnosis wasn't right and that this makes more sense. See i've been to friends, maybe religion... spiritual healers, i've been to therapists, teacher/professors, message boards, internet searches, group meeting, etc.. and ALL that is became INCREASINGLY futile. And that adds to the DESPAIR that you feel. The despair of 'you're always going to be like this. You'll continue to work on this until nothing will change, and you will DIE, alone, begging people to help you and no one will. And when you do it alone, you wont get anywhere' I'm even TRYING invest a little money in the stocks to hopefully make something more in return.
My rent is $815.00 my car payment AND insurance is $308.00. i'm $4,800 debt on one credit card $980.00 on another credit card. My student loan is $14k that i'm paying off. My water bill is roughly $30.00 a month. i can't afford cable tv, i have an electric bill that's past due and the next two paychecks are already set on the next months rent and student loan payments, the third paycheck is for car and car insurance and the last paycheck is to pay off some debt. My Care Credit (dental) is behind. etc.. i make roughly 1600-2000 a month. This does not account for FOOD that i need, and other necessities (gas for car, toilet paper etc..). I also support my girlfriend who lives with me, and is a college student that isn't working right now due to schooling and other issues ...that of course i need THERAPY FOR. I am also trying desperately to sell my prized musical possession...my Yamaha XS8 ...brand new...barely used...for $2200 (i paid $3,339.00). but no takers... I bought it years ago and of course i didn't have the debt I have now when i originalyl bought it. but no takers...My girlfriend is thrilled about this because she wants me to keep it to pursue music, but i'm freaking out.
This is the part where people say 'you know, there are these 'free' services that are offered and free things that you can do ...PTSD meeting groups or whatever or DBT meetings.'
i say: I live in a city where none of that is capable. i've searched. The nearest city is an HOUR away ...thats 20 dollars one way for gas. and thus far the 'free services' are not effective. They are 'free' for a reason, at LEAST with what i've dealt with. the bottom line is:
Sometimes, people are BEGGING AND SCREAMING for help and assistance, and no one is listening. and then i saw a thread like this. This bothered me. I am open to anyone willin to pay for my therapy. There are therapist in my area, but i don't exactly have the money per visit to my fiances. and I don't want to continue to spend years with someone who isn't experienced.
I use to have money to spend on things...concerts and stuff...but i don't anymore. I moved out of my house and live in my own place and for now i'm too far away from home, and have someone i'm with here, who is the only source of my joy. I asked nicely before about anxiety and fear (and though this may not necessarily be what this thread is about)...in hopes someone might help give me some pointers...and i actually had to respond to a blank thread 12 hours later, pointing out that there was no responses, to get responses. (and to those that did, thank you, i bid you well, it gave me some hope that people actually do care about me) ....but now i'm just hurt. (and of course anger rises when i'm hurt) Because I feel that people are just not listening. .
i'm trying to rephrase this, because i'm angry...and i don't want to shred and tear someone i don't know apart. but saying :
Just saying GET THERAPY! If strangers are telling you, you need therapy, get it! and those that don't bother are doing a disservice to the world around them
bothered me...as i've struggled.
