I have to agree with Shelby here. AGuest. I may not have scars from the whole Jw thing, well not as 'deep,' but I DO have scars that are beyond my full comprehension right now. I have been through so much abuse it's not even funny. My spirit WAS crushed. When I personally read it, it enticed me to open it , yes, but at the same time that was only because the despair in me lingers to be enticed. I have been through a lot of abuse, and my demons have not left me. My father was very abusive, and though Jw's didn't hurt as much as what he did...i can definately relate to the 'emotional scars.'
I came from a dysfunctional family. My mom, which represented 'god' to all little children, was being beaten repeatedly over and over again almost on a daily basis for th elongest time. There was no love, and the affection was disgusting (sexual). Although a part of me wants to compare to the whole 'my abuse was ten times worse than yours' BS, I want to be clear that abuse is abuse either way. I still feel like a 5 year old child, and those that know me, when they see pictures of me are shocked to see me as a 'grown man' ...when my emails SCREAM 5 year old child trying to recover or whatever. And trying to prove how my pain isn't as big as yours, or vice versa is nothing but a depreication of our emotional pains without realization of it's enslavement of us.
I don't have the basic coping skills that I see othe people have. My emotional centers are so inflamed that I can't possible get grasp on them. I went through 47 states of the USA trying to find something, and that something was love, healing, whatever. I've gone through marjuana, speed, mushrooms, alcohol and LSD trying to find some sort of relief from the scars that prick and scream. And i still havn't gotten any. Although on LSD I received empathy, sympathy, and destruction of the ego that destroyed the filters of deceptive voices so I can 'see' clearly. Probably the best, and most dangerous, drug i've taken that has elimited, for a short time, the pain and removed the filter of voices that distort the truth of reality. But that only lasted a day. Once it was out of my system, I was back to my same shitty self.
I have gone through girls trying and begging for a relationship trying to find 'love' that will ultimately heal. I am brain washed by Hollywood and all that bullshit that scream that once you find your 'true love' you'll be healed, and LOVE will come to you and you will become happy. I'm aware that consciously that's not true, but it's like a program that has total control over me that leads me astray.
The perpetual cycle of confusion, frustration, anger, emptiness, feeling lost is just one aspect of the turmoil me and others like me, whether jw or nonjw abused individuals can feel. But the despair is only fed with the concept of 'it will never heal' .....and has continually fueled this unending scar. The truth is buried deeply in the heart, which is not really truth but can only be seen as truth due to it's repetitive reinforcement as it emerge out of the depts of the subconscious when elicited by any or all situations alike that threaten and attack. And that truth, which is a lie, states 'It will never heal and you will always have this with you......forever.....and ever.' And again, though consciously i'm aware that it is possible to be 'healed'... when thrown into tha tmentality, it only but reinforces the 'never will heal' aspect, which is stronger. And that's not counting the suicide thought process.
I am a slave to my mind. When perpetuated with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ...it is unmerciful. And it's not until it STOPS on it's OWN that I receive some relief, but the damage is already done.
Believe you me, 'it never heals' or 'never will heal' is the singing anthom of people like me that just gets reinforced of how much it is 'true,'/lie.
And reinforcing that...is not helping me, or people like me.
There is one good thing about me..I can be funny as hell.
Me
