Dear Tammy, I keep re-reading your post as you have touched my heart. As a mother who has dealt with depression on both sides, I know how helpless one can feel in a situation like this, especially when you feel alone. Buying your son a puppy is a wonderful caring thing to do, and there are options available to alleviate his allergies. Even a purifier can be very effective. I agree with the others who say you should put yourself first. It's only by taking care of yourself, that you can be effective in dealing with this difficult situation. Good thoughts are coming your way!
Thetis
JoinedPosts by Thetis
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58
At the end of my rope :(
by tec inbut i guess this is my first big rant.. this last year has been the hardest year of my life.
my son tried to kill himself ( he did something pretty bad, got caught, and i guess that's the only way he thought to deal) i am also very close to actually hating my husband, and i do not hate people.
and every decision that i make lately seems to be the wrong one.
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What is your reaction when you see dubs with name badges? Here was mine:
by SnakesInTheTower inone of the things i really like about being out of the cult is that i no longer have to go to those long, boring district conventions.
instead, i can do other things with my new family (fiancee and soon to be step son).
we were out and about sunday, i had taken the day off from work, no point in bothering people with collections on a sunday and a holiday.. we had planned to go to a suburb of st. louis, mo (st. charles) and see some of the vendors on the riverfront in the afternoon and then wait for the fireworks in the evening .
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Thetis
Just reading about this scenario, makes me nauseous. I generally pretend not to see them - at least I won't be upset when they ignore me.
It definitely does provoke very unpleasant feelings, especially when I see how smug and all knowing they are. I guess being with a group gives them a sense of bravado - you surely need this to wear those name tags!
However, I am delighted to be free.
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Have become seriously angry ...all of a sudden...
by Lozhasleft inanother thread has set me off ...the one about anniversaries ...and i read an extract that blondie posted on there....suddenly i am soooo bl**dy furious...so indignant!!!!.
why did we allow a bunch of men to dictate to us not only what we believed, but even how we parented our kids,and then even how we spent our free time?????
how could we allow this stuff?????.
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Thetis
We must be on the same page, Loz. Just yesterday I started my rage journal. One has to try and mourn the loss of a life that could have been...not easy. Just when you think you have mastered your anger, it errupts all over again.
Be kind to yourself and vent!
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Gratitude from a long time lurker!
by Thetis ini cannot begin to tell you how grateful i am to you!
you reassured me while i was one of the walking wounded.
you know that line from the movie "shadowlands", when the student says to c.s.
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Thetis
Wasanelder Once - thank you for the welcomb though!
OTWO - Yes,I was referring to that post. Thanks! Do you know that I was so bitter and so angry that I made myself ill. I know worse things have happened to people and I realize it's often a combination of life's events, but it still doesn't change the way I feel. I remember reading a book written by Alice Miller and she says something to this effect: "childhood is not the shortest age in our life but rather the longest because it stays with us forever"
I will be away for a while, so please don't think I am disappearing. Once again, thank you! (repetition for emphasis!)-
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Gratitude from a long time lurker!
by Thetis ini cannot begin to tell you how grateful i am to you!
you reassured me while i was one of the walking wounded.
you know that line from the movie "shadowlands", when the student says to c.s.
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Thetis
Wasanelder Once - I know, the spelling was appalling. In my defense, however, my spell checker is faulty
Jadeen - that expression sums up exactly how I felt! It's those feelings of shame and painful nakedness that just seems to continue on, no matter how long ago it happened.
Coffee House Girl - I am sorry about your mother. I have reached a stage with my own Mother where we don't discuss much relating to JW's. Initially she would tell me about some experience or about Br Humiliating's family, and I couldn't believe her insensitivity. I have since had the courage to tell her not to discuss these things as it just opens up old wounds for me. It's just so painful as you cannot have a normal relationship; it's as if everything is guarded.
I only see one JW friend occasionally. Just recently she was telling me that when she was newly married, the elders came and saw her and asked whether she was engaging in oral sex or any other perversions. She said she couldn't believe that she had actually given them info but its because she was so young and felt it was the right thing to do.. (she could never speak to anyone about this - she felt so embarrassed)
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Gratitude from a long time lurker!
by Thetis ini cannot begin to tell you how grateful i am to you!
you reassured me while i was one of the walking wounded.
you know that line from the movie "shadowlands", when the student says to c.s.
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Thetis
Thanks for all your replies!
Teel - I agree that Elders, who are untrained to deal with matters relating to marriage, sexual abuse, depression etc. have such power!
Luo bou to - I just feel really sad that a manual can be used to make decisions - like giving the same prescription to everyone for flu, irrespective whether they are diabetic, hypertensive etc. You may enjoy the movie Shadowlands as it is loosely based on the life of C.S.Lewis.
Troubled Mind - I just cannot believe that a parent can basically push their natural protective instincts aside for a religion. I know my Mother will never apologize for not being there for me as this will mean admitting the org. is flawed and I don't believe she can face up to this.
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Gratitude from a long time lurker!
by Thetis ini cannot begin to tell you how grateful i am to you!
you reassured me while i was one of the walking wounded.
you know that line from the movie "shadowlands", when the student says to c.s.
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Thetis
Thanks to all for the welcome. Besides the fear of someone recognizing some aspect of my story, my other fear was that of rejection. What if what I have to say is unimportant or that I hi-jack a thread? So do you see the courage it took for me to finally register!(chuckle..chuckle..)
However, I had to honestly thank you all! When I first started reading here, I truly was in no-man's land. I knew that I no longer believed, I knew that I had no hope and yet I was still sitting in front of my therapist saying things like "I don't want to bring reproach on the organization you know, I don't want to stumble you (in case she became interested at some point as she enjoys investigating various religions), it's my fault. I realized the need for research but didn't know where to start. Now I have access to everything that has always troubled me, not from a biased point of view.
Wobble, I did register to do a degree in Psychology but only completed a year. I think with working full-time and having to be with younger students, I gave up. I also think Psychology perhaps wasn't for me in the end - except that I did benefit. I always felt that I would be inept to help someone, as I was so messed up myself. I will definitely look into the on-line learning aspect.
Chickenlittle, I also respect your husband for that because it takes courage to go against the majority. I do play that scenario over and over in my head (not as much though) and I wonder what his motive was for asking such humiliating questions. Did he want the lurid details, did he want to see if I was repentent enough? I have often spoken to my Mother about this and I think when she last had a shepherding call, she mentioned this to an elder (I would imagine they asked about me) The one elder said to her "but we are only human you know and we have made mistakes in the past. I, for one am not as judgemental as I used to be! Things have changed" Of course, I tell my Mother, it's ok for them, use the old "we're imperfect" line, it works every time! But what about the one's they have damaged in their line of so called duty, of keeping the congregation clean.
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Gratitude from a long time lurker!
by Thetis ini cannot begin to tell you how grateful i am to you!
you reassured me while i was one of the walking wounded.
you know that line from the movie "shadowlands", when the student says to c.s.
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Thetis
I have tried StoneWall but to no avail. Oh yes, and thank you for the welcome previously. I was afraid that I would hijack the thread if I responded. Now increased to 12.
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Gratitude from a long time lurker!
by Thetis ini cannot begin to tell you how grateful i am to you!
you reassured me while i was one of the walking wounded.
you know that line from the movie "shadowlands", when the student says to c.s.
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Thetis
Thanks for the welcome. I think being a JW seems so unnatural that one cannot help being anxious. It's as if you are swimming upstream. You suppress every normal desire you ever have. I have always thought of the organization as being a killer of dreams. I guess that's why we are so afraid to say what we actually feel.
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Gratitude from a long time lurker!
by Thetis ini cannot begin to tell you how grateful i am to you!
you reassured me while i was one of the walking wounded.
you know that line from the movie "shadowlands", when the student says to c.s.
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Thetis
I do apologize for the spelling. My spell checker doesn't seem to work!