sd-7 man. I really don't know what to say. Except, that my heart goes out to you. I could really feel through your words how much pain, confusion, and sadness you're going through. I almost cried, (being the whimpy crybaby that I am, I probably would have had I not been at work). I've never been married, but was madly in love once. And when things got bad, we still tried to make them work, and in the end, we only brought more pain to each other. Things, ended pretty badly. Just be honest and try to asses the situation, it might be better to just let go now before you end up hating each other. I myself, suffer from depression and constatn feelings of helplessness. And from your expressions towards the end of your post, I think I understand pretty well what's going on in your mind. But you're not alone, we're always there. You can tell from all the other long posts, how much people here care about you. They all took the time to read through, and try to offer some kind of comfort or advise. I know how easy and appealing it is sometimes to just call for death. But then a new day comes and you'll always find something worth living for. If you can, try to take that vacation to the pacific, try to get away, forget about everytying for a few days and clear your mind. You'll think of something, even if doing that something might not be easy to do. Another poster mentioned how you'd already survived leaving the WT, as we all know, no easy feat by any means. So you can pull through this, don't give up. Let us know what you need.
Jedi Master