I am enjoying your posts Unlearn, In your own fresh way you have put into words what some of us have also thought and experienced ourselves. Isn't it freeing to realize you don't have to have a big picture answer for everyting in the universe and that you are not responsible for the whole world and it's salvation?
Funny thing is, even after having "left" some three years ago, I can still hear a little voice in me, arguing "for" the Watchtower point of view I've known since birth. I had several WT counterpoints for nearly every one of your comments.
When you talked about your secret doubts about Watchtower teachings and your desire to make a name for yourself in the organization I immediatly thought about their favorite scripture in James 1: 1-27 which talks about being " drawn out and enticed by ones own desire, desire when it becomes fertile, gives birth to sin." You know as well as I do that they would compare your experience to Adam and Eve who put more importance on their own selfish longings than their obedience to God when tempted by Satan and wound up being drawn away from him.
When you spoke about getting your wife "out" and giving non WT sanctioned advice to those who came to you as an Elder, I immediately thought of the Biblical warnings of "Wolves entering in among you in sheeps clothing not sparing the flock. They would use your experience as a classic example of how dangerous free thinkers are and how careful JW's should be about their association, even within the congregation and stress how important bringing these ones to the attention of the elders would be.
When you spoke about viewing the Apostate sites in the cover of night as if in secret from Jehovah. They'd say this is because evil loves darkness and avoides the light. They would use your "downfall" as proof that viewing unapproved websites is hazardous to ones spiritual health.
They would change the title of your thread and replace the word paranoid with cautious or consciencious. "JW's produce some of the most Paranoid cautious and consciencious humans." (cautious as serpents,innocent as doves)
Have you put all this kind of thinking behind you or do all the old JW reasonings still do battle with your new found frame of mind?
Although I completly understand how difficult it is to get out of the Org. especially for someone who would be dissapointing many by doing so. There is still a part of me that is angered to think that someone in a position of responsibility would continue advising people on matters he was no longer 100% sure of. My Father died because of advice he got from JW elders. It's terrible to think of all the individuals and families who were devistated by decisions made by Elders etc who were too cowardly or egotistical to step down until they had their issues with the organization resolved. But then again, I realize that we are all in different stages of our own personal development and enlightenment.
