Posts by maz

27

i'm a murderer she says.

by maz in

this morning at 8:30, my mother decides to come into my room.

i was lying on my bed reading a book.. mum: i need to tell you something.

mum: please don't commit immoral sin.. me: umm... what are you talking about?

maz

damn... can i cry because i feel happy here????

Oh Quandry, I wish you were my mother:D it's so true that I don't want to hurt my mother in anyway, and as Luo bou to said, i know her JW life is her support system and I need to be careful with what I say. otherwise i'd be contributing to her negative emotions, needing to be over controlling.I agree that she's broken too because of my father and her childhood with no father figure. darn I feel like everything is coming down like a domino effect... JW life, family broken, rebellion, hurting each other but pretending to be happy, depression. oh so typical.

after reading the comments I feel that i should at least be grateful that she's still with me, talking to me after everything. What I know for sure is that her love for me and my brother is so great and her biggest fear is to lose us and be ALONE. so yes, I can't hate her but it's hard to love her sometimes. Perhaps if i continue to help her out and be supportive, it will show that whether i'm a jW or not doesn't matter when it comes to being a good daughter. I just need a strategy to deal with the "guilt-inducing" statements she utters and not feel guilty or scared. Well whatever, I'll probably be happy just being nice to her no matter she may act afterwards.

I've also realised that I'm lucky that my father was disfellowshipped because he was the one who encouraged me to pursue higher education so that he wouldn't be embarrassed at his company. believe it or not I was the kind of teenager who didn't consider higher ed as an option because "you can't slave for two masters". have you ever watched that DVD about higher education that the org distributed? and the convention drama about Timothy?it's funny how I was so serious about it. In the end I chose Education as my major so I could "pioneer" and be flexible wherever I may be "assigned". So I have another year of THAT. But now that I'm OUT of the org, I really feel like pursuing my REAL passion, design. Oh well, i better graduate first:)

to be honest, I can say that I haven't been dealing with my family problems well after being disfellowshiped. I've made countless mistakes and ended up losing 10 kg, taking soft drugs to take my mind off. I have no choice because I don't have anyone. I'm such a loner ( afterall, i was taught to hate "worldly ppl") and I just don't connect with others. it's become my habit to become emotional and curl up thinking no one understands. I pull my hair when I feel overwhelmed, hit myself and cry when I hear my family's voice or certain words. and drugs became my silent guarentee, my friend.

but i'm proud to say I've been off all the chemicals for a few days. yes DAYS. it's really a start. i couldn't go without it for a year and a half. every. single. day. i couldn't sleep. i will try to look up PTSD StAnn, but i hate to label myself as weak or having a disorder because it just sounds like self pity. i dunno, i have mixed feelings about my condition.

well, I hope this doesn't offend anyone, if it does, i'm sorry. no therapist, no friends, no family... i'm left with drugs. but it screwed my daily life and I know it. but things written here are really making me think straight and forces me to deal with my mother. "rationally". so thank you. I live in Hong Kong, and if you'd ever stop by, please please let me know:)

27

i'm a murderer she says.

by maz in

this morning at 8:30, my mother decides to come into my room.

i was lying on my bed reading a book.. mum: i need to tell you something.

mum: please don't commit immoral sin.. me: umm... what are you talking about?

maz

my father pretends to be a believer to please my mother.he was disfellowshiped in 2006, right after i got baptized. he didn't come to the meeting until a year ago. he attended the meetings the past year but we found out again in january 2010 he continued his affair with his young colleague when he told my mother they it in the office. my mother got paranoid she went to tell my father's boss and asked him to fire that woman and him. Since then my parents live separately, he comes home during the weekends. And in March, he told mum the woman visits him at his new house, cook together and do it together after. and my mother comes crying back to me saying "I trusted him, how can he do this to me?". well, wake up, he's been cheating on you since I was 7, you're always wrong for believing him and I can't sympathize or help you anymore. Despite all of this happening this year, my dad still goes to the KH and my mother smiles.

27

i'm a murderer she says.

by maz in

this morning at 8:30, my mother decides to come into my room.

i was lying on my bed reading a book.. mum: i need to tell you something.

mum: please don't commit immoral sin.. me: umm... what are you talking about?

maz

I was brought up in a British school but I have an American accent, and I'm a Japanese! I have another year to go with uni, and I'm definitely sure i'll leave my family and live far far away to commence my new life. I'm so determined live my twenties to the fullest...my childhood was robbed being such a geek with glasses, a bible and my super long skirts pioneering. arghhh

StAnn:

I did go to a counsellor at my uni which is free but... i didn't click with the counsellor. I don't mean to be racist but she is Chinese and she has no idea what's it like to have a such an extreme Christian background... and if i wanted a more westernised therapists here it costs me a lot. I'm ok most of the time but from time to time, maybe every 2 days I'd be bursting in to tears for no reason. It's been like this for 3 years already, on and off meds too. anyway when that crying happens, I feel like I need help. But i'll start here for now.

Chris: i feel like you just slapped my face. you're right perhaps there are some parts of my thinking that's still affected by the 20 years of brainwashing.

27

i'm a murderer she says.

by maz in

this morning at 8:30, my mother decides to come into my room.

i was lying on my bed reading a book.. mum: i need to tell you something.

mum: please don't commit immoral sin.. me: umm... what are you talking about?

maz

Thanks a lot, I was a little scared my post didn't make any sense, I think what my mother was trying to say was that I cause "him" to commit sin because I allow him to be passionate with me. But why THIS in the morning? and on what basis did she have the urge to tell me this? I was just reading a book after I walked my dog for christ's sake...

We probably live in a completely different parts of the world, I'm a Japanese living in another part of asia other than my own country. I feel so relieved that I can finally deal with all of the nonsense I get from her and the org. Living in asia makes me feel isolated because there aren't many who can understand wht i've been through. well... even if there are, they are quiet. I feel that I'm still so childish in dealing with my mother but like you all said, I will heal and get out of any kind of influences from JWs one day or at least I'd be stronger. And I was totally wrong that I expected a normal relationship. I'm starting to wonder how I could help my mother realise how crazy she's acting. Is that even possible?

She withdrew sxx from my dad after becoming a JW, causing my dad to have multiple affairs which ruined our family. When I got disfellowshipped, she held out her manuals, showing me particular highlighted texts on how she isn't supposed to talk to me even if we are a family. But why does she still talk to me? Sometimes, she thinks it's great to share news about other bros and sis that I was close with... Hasn't she ever realised that all my childhood friends are gone? That I need to start from zero?

It's like I love her but I can't most of the time.

anyway thanks again for understanding, it's definitely nice to be here.

27

i'm a murderer she says.

by maz in

this morning at 8:30, my mother decides to come into my room.

i was lying on my bed reading a book.. mum: i need to tell you something.

mum: please don't commit immoral sin.. me: umm... what are you talking about?

maz

This morning at 8:30, my mother decides to come into my room. I was lying on my bed reading a book.
Mum: I need to tell you something
Me: What
Mum: Please don't commit immoral sin.
Me: Umm… what are you talking about? What makes you want to say something like that right now?
Mum: Nothing. I'm just saying this as your mother. Please remember that you are the one who got the truth first. YOU HEARD IT FIRST! (eyes wide, almost shouting)
Me: Sorry but I'm not following...
Mum: You have a responsibility, you got the truth first.
Me: Sorry mum but I don't believe in the all the CRAP you believe in anymore. Remember I'm disfellowshipped? I'm not part of this anymore.
Mum: Just remember, you are making your partner DIE. He going to DIE because of you. Don't you feel ANYTHING?

For a moment I really couldn't say anything out of shock. What kind of conversation IS this?

Me: … What makes you think I'm having sex all of a sudden? You're so brain washed mum, I never heard the truth because I wanted to, you left me no choice, and most of all, I'm not part of it anymore so please stop bugging me, please.

She slams my door and leaves for field ministry.
I wondered if she just mentioned something random like this so she can start counting her pioneering time for the day.
____
When I was a JW, I took those words, " you have a responsibility for knowing the truth first" so seriously that it made me guilty whenever I didn't have the courage to talk to somebody in informal witnessing or when I couldn't tell my school friends about myself. I'm not part of this fucked up cult anymore but why I do I still feel so f***ed up inside? I don't understand why my own mother calls me a murderer in the morning and why I'm so bothered and offended! I keep fighting my JW past but it gets to me everyday.

A few weeks ago, I had a sudden pain in my lower abdomen and started to scream and cry like I was giving birth. The pain was so severe and I just mentally couldn't take it. My mother saw that and said… "you're demonized". I went NUTS. I couldn't stop crying over THAT and the pain.

later on that night, my dad (disfellowshipped) came to help me and took me to the hospital. Turns out I had kidney stones… and my mother started to act all caring, thinking I forgot what she called me… "SATAN" OH this reminds me.... she even started to pray a loud in front of me.

I dunno how to deal with my mother, who I need to live with. I'm still 21 going to college with no money I can't just move out. Besides, we just moved into a new flat this week. I know my mother is abnormal ever since she became a JW and this destroyed our family to bits. I just want to live a normal life without guilt and hate against the world. I don't want to be affected by my mother anymore but she still gets to me and I get fucking depressed because I dunno how to view her as…I sympathize for her, she is probably clinging on to the org because she never had a proper family. And if she didn't have pioneering, she will have no friends and will spend the whole day at home doing nothing. I want a real mother. But no matter how nice I am to her, she treats me like I'm worse than SH**. I am a loser because I have depression because of her. And I can't seek any professional help. I told my mother something's wrong with me, I need help and she said, "The only person who can heal you is Jehovah. You have depression because you don't pray to him. Doctors can't help you. Why should we spend money on therapists when you have Jehovah?"

Nice.