palmtree67, From what I have seen so far the most common thing situation seems to be couples looking for another woman to play with. Many husbands and wives are just not as comfortable with bringing another man into the relationship as they are with another woman. As far as the woman having all the say, I don't feel that it is the case. My wife and I both reserve VETO rights on the others choice but rarely do so. I think that saying women have all the choice is a myth. It's been my observation that women simply don't pursue very often, leaving up to the men to do so. With that being the case it falls on the woman to choose. However, on occasion, a women will pursue a man for sex and in that case I the man has the choice. But either way the one rule you will find everywhere is that no means no and anyone not adhering to that will find themselves out in a hurry. While there may be some types of arrangements to be common the swinger/open types are not an homogenous bunch and the rules they follow vary widely from person to person and couple to couple.
techdotcom
JoinedPosts by techdotcom
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104
Open relationships, polyamory and swinging
by techdotcom inhas anyone else, after leaving the restrictive rules of the jw world, tried having an open marriage, joining the 'lifestyle' of the swinger comunity?
we've been doing that for about 4-5 months now and it's been an interesting experience, in fact it's been a major distraction from the hell of rebuilding our lives outside the religion and our base of friends.
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104
Open relationships, polyamory and swinging
by techdotcom inhas anyone else, after leaving the restrictive rules of the jw world, tried having an open marriage, joining the 'lifestyle' of the swinger comunity?
we've been doing that for about 4-5 months now and it's been an interesting experience, in fact it's been a major distraction from the hell of rebuilding our lives outside the religion and our base of friends.
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techdotcom
I think you are experiencing the reality of the fantasy. Not all it's cracked up to be.
Not to be too much of a smart ass but that was my point, to share the reality. What is your point about that? What experiance can you share. Or are you once agian simply looking for something negative to harp on. There's nothing to catch, I put that out there. I am open in more ways then just with sex. I am an open book in almost every way. Generally swingers clubs admit unescorted women for free, couples for a nominal cover and single men an exorbent price. I am enjoying learning more about the dynamics of all of this and although I do feel some frustration at times, it is mostly due to my lack of interpersonal skills and not some disatisfaction with our choices. Are there negative emotions at times with this, yes, but I believe in examining those and determining the root of them. At that point I can work on handling that in a mature way, rather than simply avoiding what might be uncomfortable at times. My wife and I use the same skills for dealing with issues with the lifestyle that we used when surviving the religion, and honestly this stuff is small potatoes compared to the stresses that being in that caused.
Now if you want to provide some actuall anedotal examples of negative sides to this and explore those stories to see how they apply in general than I am all for it. But to be honest much of the comments here seem to be knee jerk judments on what is our choice. To be fair I did put our story out here, exposing it to such, but that doesn't mean I will simply take unsupported critisism with out an argument.
It's funny how people will use critical thinking to explore thier religious beliefs to escape a cult like the JW's but at the same time ignore this valuable tool for other parts of thier lives, and often just seem to settle into another stagnant belief/moral system that has no objective reality to it.
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this from march 15 tower
by therevealer inis this just to inane for words.
most of the lumber looks sawn rather than hewn.
are they planning or arguing?
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techdotcom
@therevealer, re-read, I admit at first I was going WTF but she was angry not at the commentary but because of it, for the apparent disregard Noah and his sons are showing for the suffering going on around them.
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104
Open relationships, polyamory and swinging
by techdotcom inhas anyone else, after leaving the restrictive rules of the jw world, tried having an open marriage, joining the 'lifestyle' of the swinger comunity?
we've been doing that for about 4-5 months now and it's been an interesting experience, in fact it's been a major distraction from the hell of rebuilding our lives outside the religion and our base of friends.
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techdotcom
Oh and IDing us isn't a huge deal we are out of the religion and most of our friends are in the know about our being open as well.
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104
Open relationships, polyamory and swinging
by techdotcom inhas anyone else, after leaving the restrictive rules of the jw world, tried having an open marriage, joining the 'lifestyle' of the swinger comunity?
we've been doing that for about 4-5 months now and it's been an interesting experience, in fact it's been a major distraction from the hell of rebuilding our lives outside the religion and our base of friends.
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techdotcom
She is 37 and I am 39.
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I was BANE...I have an apology to most of you.
by Botzwana ini was bane and i think i got banned because everytime i tried to log in i couldn't.
i was defending the society as best as i could.
something has happened in the last few months.
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techdotcom
Bane, I hope you are sincere, and I hope you are learning a little about the cruelty that blind faith can lead a person too. I probably won't ever forgive your comment that my wife of 16 years should leave me because I was not a believer and she was, but I can put it behind me and in time I won't want to feel any anger toword you. Now that she is out with me it helps. Good luck with your transition from sleep to reality and may you find more kindness than you showed to others.
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104
Open relationships, polyamory and swinging
by techdotcom inhas anyone else, after leaving the restrictive rules of the jw world, tried having an open marriage, joining the 'lifestyle' of the swinger comunity?
we've been doing that for about 4-5 months now and it's been an interesting experience, in fact it's been a major distraction from the hell of rebuilding our lives outside the religion and our base of friends.
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techdotcom
Snoozy, you bet, that's a good idea no matter what. Both of us are always prepared, lol
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104
Open relationships, polyamory and swinging
by techdotcom inhas anyone else, after leaving the restrictive rules of the jw world, tried having an open marriage, joining the 'lifestyle' of the swinger comunity?
we've been doing that for about 4-5 months now and it's been an interesting experience, in fact it's been a major distraction from the hell of rebuilding our lives outside the religion and our base of friends.
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techdotcom
VoidEater, thanks for best response I've seen so far.
Some are. Some aren't. Not a one-size-fits-all world.
'There is no such thing as normal' is my equivelant
more than half of all marriages break up
Thought about making that point myself, the problem with anedoctol evidence is that is not evidence at all but a very limited sample and tends to be skewed
Polyamory did not work for me.
I've always been polyamorus, i just didn't cheat, lol, that seems to be as ingrained as sexual orientation is.
I have little time or energy to hop around or play within any particular rule set
I competely agree, we have no hard and fast rules, anything is permissable if discussed before hand and slips of judgement are understood to be just that, a mistake that should be discussed. The only real rule we have is the VETO right on anothers choice of partner. Bad idea to go there unless you have to but we have both invoked it at least once.
the only rule is to keep agreements clear and abide by them. There are no rules beyond what consenting adults consent to. Having agreements sets boundaries for physical and emotional safety; following those agreements allows trust.
This has so far been out modis operandi and has worked well for us.
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104
Open relationships, polyamory and swinging
by techdotcom inhas anyone else, after leaving the restrictive rules of the jw world, tried having an open marriage, joining the 'lifestyle' of the swinger comunity?
we've been doing that for about 4-5 months now and it's been an interesting experience, in fact it's been a major distraction from the hell of rebuilding our lives outside the religion and our base of friends.
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techdotcom
PS - the other intesting thing is that most people assume that all swingers have casual sex or sex outside of thier commited relationship at all. Some actually do what you describe and just flirt with others but have a rule not to go any farther. If fact all swinger types seem to have at least some rules for conduct and take them as seriuosly as more traditional couples take the rules that most of society is used to.
Palm - You got that right, be very sure and be very realistic as to what you expect, if you decide to do it. It introduces additional complications into your relationship and that will cause some stress no matter who you are.
Also the purpose of starting this thread is not to advocate the lifestyle but rather to share experience and get some additional perspective myself. Not only is it not for everyone but my wife and I know that we could not have attempted this earlier in our relationship. This has very much so been about our trust in eachother and a way of saying 'fuck you' to the repressive rules that not only the witnesses have but that many consider sacred just because enough people have decided that they are right. We will be setting back down from our current level of activity I'm sure at some point and have more of a traditional relationship but for now we are doing what we want to do and trying to learn from it and enjoy our life together for a change, something that being a witness and being around them made impossible.
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104
Open relationships, polyamory and swinging
by techdotcom inhas anyone else, after leaving the restrictive rules of the jw world, tried having an open marriage, joining the 'lifestyle' of the swinger comunity?
we've been doing that for about 4-5 months now and it's been an interesting experience, in fact it's been a major distraction from the hell of rebuilding our lives outside the religion and our base of friends.
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techdotcom
Yeah PSacramento, that is exactly it. The 'open' part has to be intrinsic to everything or it won't work. Which also means having a good idea of the other persons feelings thru communication. As soon as you start either hiding or ignoring hurt feelings or discomfort then you start to create a stress that can and will be a problem. If your partner in life doesn't like it then you don' do it or you work out a compromise. That aspect of a marriage not only doesn't go away (the compromising) but it becomes even more important to be able to do so without resentment. Feelings still get hurt on occasion, and sometimes you will get angry about something, but that is going to happen anyway with or without the open sexual relationship. I do think it's likely that some have gotten into the 'lifestyle' thinking they were going to be better than petty jealousy or stress from it. My wife and I had a good long talk about what I thought we should expect from it and that just like everything else in life and marriage there will be issues to work out as we go.
I put the idea out there to her at one point, giving her the 'free pass' with a friend we had met at a party. She was estatic and so excited it was almost comical. He's still a good friend and she sees him every so often for some fun hot tub time and some spoiling.
To be honest the only sucky thing we have had to deal with is that I am an honest person and we don't really have any swinger friends per say. So while she has had quite a bit of affirmation and fun, I have as yet to get past making out with anyone but her. That has been frustrating as hell, to hear "Well you are a great guy but I just don't like getting in the middle of a marriage and causing problems." and variations of that same sentiment, including that they are looking for a commited sexual relationship only. So unless i want to be an ass and lie, I have to take the slow and easy route. But that is one of the potential downfalls of this, feeling neglected or left out. My wife does a pretty good job of making sure that doesn't happen. Also I have made some great women friends, something that would not have been feasible before.