Hi Solzhenitsyn. I left the faith in 2007. Was fairly active in the Ex-JW community for few years. I joined a Unitarian Universalist congregation in 2015. I self identify as an atheist. I have given some sermons. I chair the pastoral care group. For me this all works. Cheers, -Randy
Posts by rawe
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22Any Dogs Returning to their Vomit Here?
by Solzhenitsyn ini was wondering if any long time jw's that are now pomo's here on the forum now act in a leadership role within another religious organization?.
i do and would enjoy a bit of conversation with this (i assume minority) "sub-culture" of ex-jw's.
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rawe
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update
by Akid48 inoh buy this is going to be long.i'll be lucky if most of you still remember me its been a really long time since i've posted.
so im 15 now makes me happy because im getting so close to being able to work and being able to make my own money and save it.i've had talks with my family i havent said flat out that i dont care or like this but they have figured out that i dont agree with it,who knows whats that means for the future but i know its most likely going to be something bad.the way i've dealt with this hole shit hole is that i just dont let it get to me.i told myself im not going to let this hole thing ruin my childhood and my chance to make memories and to do things that normal kids can do,and the year i said that is the year ive made so many storys about dumb and fun things i did and that year made me feel like a normal kid and made me feel like nothing was wrong and maybe my life isn't that bad.i know its not smart i know i'll be in big trouble if my aunt or anybody that jw found out about what i was doing could go very wrong,but at this point i dont care even if thats dumb im just not going to let this ruin my time to have fun and be active before i become a adult,alot of stuff went on i mean i diged my own hole have my own girlfriend big red flag to them i have all worldly friends big red flag to them when most of its just me being normal but those two would put me into deep shit.. i know that the hole double life thing is bad to jw's but if any other teenager or kid is on this website i just want to say dont be scared to live a double life,dont be its brought more happiness than i've ever had in years its brought more motivation in my life than anything.its like having the life you should've had yes its hard to get through the loops of dealing with jw's but all the work is worth it.the so called double life is a normal life that you should live so dont feel bad and live the life you should be living.. but im happy to be posting again that first part is my update and the second one is for any kid that is looking around here,i hope you guys are doing good and i hope everybody is fine its good to be back!.
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rawe
Hi Akid48,
Thanks for sharing your post. My youngest daughter is now 15. My older three daughters all were JWs as teens. However in Montana's case she was 4 when we left. I feel pretty strongly about personal honesty. When I left the faith I never hid details. That said, living a "double life" is not something one sees in more reasonable faiths. JWs, as a religion, completely ignore natural teen development around sexual development and risk taking (as Giordano mentioned above).
Risk taking for example. Einstein was a young man when he formulated special relativity. He was even still quite young when he expanded it to general relativity. Lots of thinkers believe it was his young brain allowed him to take big risks. It is young that give us a willingness to take big risks and make big mistakes. As we age we get older we become more risk adverse. And of course there is good reason for this, since some mistakes can injure, even kill.
JWs, as a religion, are obsessed with sex. Most young men and women at some point will masturbate. Yet the leaders of the faith are happy to heap guilt on its members of such a thing. Statistic vary but most young adults by the by college age will have lost their virginity. A small percentage of JW young will wrangle with that fact they are gay, lesbian or transgender. Can any of this be dealt with openly in a JW family? Sadly, no! Thus so often people, teens yes, but adults too, live double lives in the faith. My wife hated going door-to-door (she is a naturally shy person). But had to pretend that she loved it.
We are now Unitarian Universalists and so Montana enrolled in OWL through the UUs. OWL stands for Our Whole Lives. Basically UU-sponsored sex ed. As a parent I thought, great, they'll teach her about STDs and unwanted pregnancy, etc (i.e. the kind of thing parents worry lots about). They did. But I was surprised at the main focus was ideas of communication and self-body-rights. That is, everyone has the right to decide, what happens with their body, especially in regards to sex. And that none of this is really taboo. That one can communicate feelings, desires in an open and honest way.
When I started taking Montana to UU I told her that I would expect her to attend until she is 16 (a few months from now). At that point it would be her choice to continue or not. We have lots of father/daughter disagreements. She'll tell me I don't get this or that and will sigh at the fact that I'm a software engineer yet don't know how to operate all the things on my phone. But... she knows that ultimately her life is her own.
Leaving the faith is difficult for anyone. I hope you're able to make a great path forward.
Cheers, -Randy
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I Came to Bring a Sword
by rawe inwhen i left jws in 2007 i was fairly active in the ex-jw community.
i even hosted one of the meetup groups here in chandler.
when that wound down i joined a local unitarian universalist congregation.
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rawe
Hi Sudyover & Barbara,
Thank you for the kind comments. The first sermon I gave covered our experience of leaving JWs and eventually joining the UUs. I've kidded Wendy (my wife) that she is now free to give sermons. Truth be told, Wendy hated going to door-to-door and the theocratic ministry school. I must of course give some credit to my JW experience for learning the basics of public speaking. However the UU experience is way better. Everything I say is from the heart. Yet it is still tuned to the audience, because we just want it to be something worthwhile for them.
We're just so use it it -- but the degree of sexism in JWs (and many other conservative Christian faiths) is really deep. And yet this may not have been the case with very early Christians. New Testament scholar Bart D. Ehrman makes a compelling argument the directive that "women should remain silent" was a later addition to the text.Cheers, -Randy
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As A Former JW Are You Patriotic At All?
by minimus injehovah’s witnesses were drilled with the idea that all governments are from satan and that we should have nothing to do with anything involving support of the government, voting, or political talk for one party or another.. now that you are out, is patriotism important to you?
is voting important to you?
are you supportive of your country?.
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rawe
Hi Minimus,
I migrated from Canada to the USA in 1998 so could not vote here until 2010 when I became a citizen. I left the faith in 2007. I'm a registered Democrat and enjoy voting. I'm also a Unitarian Universalist one of the principals of the UU faith is "The right of conscience & use of the democratic process."
I enjoy standing for the national anthem. However I continue to work about the religious overtones of patriotism. When overdone it seems like it can be wee bit cultist.
My warmest feelings of patriotism happen when I see cooperation between USA and Canada. Or friendly sports rivalry. Watching the movie "Argo" made me feel patriotic.
Cheers, -Randy
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I Came to Bring a Sword
by rawe inwhen i left jws in 2007 i was fairly active in the ex-jw community.
i even hosted one of the meetup groups here in chandler.
when that wound down i joined a local unitarian universalist congregation.
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rawe
Hi Everyone,
When I left JWs in 2007 I was fairly active in the Ex-JW community. I even hosted one of the meetup groups here in Chandler. When that wound down I joined a local Unitarian Universalist congregation. Those silly UUs don't mind having atheist members like me. On occasion they even allow me to give the sermon! This past Sunday I gave my third sermon. It was entitled "I Came to Bring a Sword." In the sermon I make several JW references, however, I don't think many would find it anti-JW.
For those who watch (it is about 17 minutes) I hope you find it interesting.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CthJxyCM694&list=PLZzR7_SOiyAQpfpodZACYUrB9H_A8Db5R&index=9&t=0s
Cheers, -Randy
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Unky Punky just wanted ...
by punkofnice in...to drop by and say, 'ayup, mates', to you all, my old friends.. i am so totally over the jobo thing i have surprised myself.. if anyone asks, 'what do you think of the jobos?
' my reply would be, 'i don't think of them.'.
all my rage, anger and sadness have dissipated over time.
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rawe
Hi PunkOfNice,
Nice to see your post! Wendy and I just made a trip to Canada. Had an opportunity to meet with my cousin and her husband. They just recently left JWs and reach out to us on Facebook. I mentioned to them that while we'll always know that we were JWs and are now Ex-JWs we've basically have become Ex-Ex-JWs.
I've continued to attend memorial and hope to do so for as long as two older JWs close to me are alive (they're both now in the 80s). For the past three years I've traveled back to Quesnel, BC, Canada to attend there. I face some shunning and some not. Oddly this year a one-time elder I've known since I was a teen didn't seem to recognize me. He came up and gave a typical "welcome come-to-the-meetings" chat. I wondered if he might now have memory problems. However, he recently has written some books and my contacts said they think he is okay.
In the fall of 2013 I started attending VUU (Valley Unitarian Universalist) congregation. I officially joined in 2015. They're one of the few religions that accept atheists such as myself. I've even given a couple sermons. They're posted on YouTube (search for "Randy Galbraith" should show them if you're interested).
Life has treated us very good. Two oldest girls are now married and have children (4 grand children now, with 1 more on the way). My youngest is 15 and just got her drivers permit. When I joined VUU I told my youngest that I would bring her along, but she wasn't required to participate in anything she didn't want to and at age 16 could decide for herself if she wanted to continue or not. She is in the "coming of age" program and will be making a trip to Boston with her group. She also will be giving a "credo" statement during a special VUU service when all the coming of age youth run the service. She is a somewhat anxious kid so this will be a big deal for her.
I've kept my running up. But have stopped with 1/2 marathons and now just run a 10K once per year. Since 2014 I've been taking college courses. About 1/2 way through to getting my associate of science. I'm just completed Latin 101 and am now in Philosophy 101. The more I study the more I realize just how little I knew about anything!
Cheers,
-Randy
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25
I think I made up my mind
by paradiseseeker ina month ago i travelled alone to italy for three days and i had the opportunity to visit the beautiful florence and re-visit many parts of rome.. but most importantly, i had the opportunity to stay alone and think about my situation and to make up my mind.. i've had very clear for almost 5 years that i will eventually leave the religion, but i couldn't decide when.. but now i know : i will leave on april 20th, the day after the memorial.. that day i will talk to my parents (this is by far the hardest thing to do) and soon afterwards i will talk to my closest friends, then i will send my disassociation letter.
i know that i will let them down, i will hurt them, most probably some of them will cry... but i need to live coherently for the first time in my life.
i'm sure that living in this contradiction is affecting and will affect my mental health and it's time for me to help myself instead of others.
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rawe
Hi paradiseseeker,
When looking at options for leaving the idea of fading comes up. The goal of fading is to slowly disengage over a long period of time such that essentially the Ex-JW is forgotten. That is, as far as the congregation is concerned. The advantage of course is the Ex-JW can then hope to be treated by JW family and friends in a non-shunning manner.
However I would suggest there is another option: Abrupt stop followed by no substantial communication as to why. In fact jw [dot] org claims this approach will not resulting in shunning. They claim: "Those who were baptized as Jehovah’s Witnesses but no longer preach to others, perhaps even drifting away from association with fellow believers, are not shunned. In fact, we reach out to them and try to rekindle their spiritual interest."
The key to this approach (assuming the goal is not to be shunned) is "no substantial communication." JWs generally have cultivated a deep sense of loyalty to the organization. Well meaning family and friends will often report to the elders those who say anything contrary regarding the organization. Thus statements such as, "Yes, I've haven't been to meetings in sometime. However, please, I don't want to talk about it. Know that I love the brothers and sisters as I always have." This communicate that you don't want to talk but also that you are not a threat.
I left abruptly. Literally the same day I was out in service. I even had to call the elders to tell them my home could not be used as a book study center. No action, other than a marking talk, was taken at the time. I left in October 2007 and openly celebrated Christmas in 2009. This did prompt a response. After being contacted twice by phone I wrote them the following letter (see below). This did cause them to pause but finally in March in 2010 they announced my name without informing me in advance. After chatting with a lawyer I decided not to pursue the matter. Such a case would be difficult to win and costly.
All in all I'm reasonably happy with the actions I took and the outcome. JWs have crafted the statement to protect themselves legally. While that works, it also leaves me to say, quite correctly, that I am not disfellowshipped, I never disassociated, and at no time was a JW ever directed to shun me. When I show up as memorial (as I do each year) there is little they could do other than ask me to leave. But since no one knows all the details I find some shun some don't.
Here is the letter:
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I have prepared this written response in anticipation of your concerns.
Ecclesiastes 7:1 says “A name is better than good oil”. Most people are concerned about how others view them and I am no different. For the most part, our good name results from right action on our part. Yet not everyone will agree what is considered right and proper. For example, you and I may see nothing wrong in enjoying a cup of hot coffee, yet a devout Mormon may view such as a serious sin.
Likewise, one of Jehovah's Witnesses may look upon a house decorated with Christmas lights with disdain. In contrast, the majority of the community may see such as a delightful display of “Christmas Spirit”. More informed individuals may reflect upon the ancient beliefs regarding the winter solstice and note how connected our lives are to the power of the sun.
For the Christmas season of 2009 I have decided to decorate my house with lights for good reason.
As a member of the community who has had no substantial1 association with Jehovah's Witnesses in over two years I am not under any obligation to explain myself. This is private matter of no concern to Jehovah's Witnesses. Yet two principals found in the Bible motivate me to explain.
Psalms 26:4 says, “I have not sat with men of untruth; And with those who hide what they are I do not come in.”
Matthew 7:12 says, “All things, therefore, that YOU want men to do to YOU, YOU also must likewise do to them; this, in fact, is what the Law and the Prophets mean.”
I have no desire to hide what I am. When asked, I have always tried my best to honestly explain how I feel about matters. By doing so, I hope to build mutual understanding and respect, even if, when all is said and done, fundamental differences of viewpoint remain.
It is my desire for my choices to be understood and respected. On the other hand, I must try and appreciate how my current actions may reflect on my former faith. I am confident the golden rule continues to work as well today as it has in the past. Although I will address some serious aspects of protecting myself from slander, libel and a possible religious hate crime, please be assured my desire is to leave both myself and Jehovah's Witnesses in peace. I will outline some easy steps that will allow this goal to be accomplished.
Today I identify myself as an atheist although I do not insist I know for certain God does not exist.
When I was baptized in July 1981, I joined Jehovah's Witnesses voluntarily. When I ceased association in October 2007, I left voluntarily. I make no pretense among Jehovah's Witnesses or in the community that I remain one of Jehovah's Witnesses.
Even though I do not believe in God or think of Jesus as anything more than human, there are several important reasons for decorating my house with Christmas lights.
The foremost is an outward signal to the community I no longer adhere to my former beliefs as one of Jehovah's Witnesses. By refusing to participate in most holidays, Jehovah's Witnesses ask their members to act in an esoteric way. These actions cause a separation between members and non-members. Part of the difficulty one experiences in leaving the faith is working through a reintegration process. It is my belief that taking specific actions which outwardly show my affinity with the community at large will be cathartic. Unless you have gone through the experience of leaving a faith such as Jehovah's Witnesses, it is hard to appreciate how difficult the process can be.
I must stress I am not seeking to officially disassociate from Jehovah's Witnesses. I also am not seeking to be officially disfellowshipped from Jehovah's Witnesses. I merely wish to be left in peace as I have left them in peace.
Membership in a religious organization in a free country is on a voluntary basis. I joined voluntarily and I left voluntarily. Jehovah's Witnesses, like other organizations, have rules and regulations which govern membership. Those who do not adhere to these rules may have their membership terminated, even unilaterally. Thus the voluntarily aspect applies to both parties.
I would not ask Jehovah's Witnesses to accept me as a member in my current state of belief. Jehovah's Witnesses believe in God while I do not. Membership, therefore, would not be compatible. Likewise, the Phoenix Atheist Group, with whom I occasionally associate, only accept atheists and agnostics. Those who would identify themselves as “Christians,” for example, cannot be members.
I nonetheless, have four reasons to resist official recognition of my non-member status by Jehovah's Witnesses.
First, it would serve no purpose. I make no pretense of being one of Jehovah's Witnesses. I am open and honest with everyone about what I believe. If some Jehovah's Witnesses feel my current beliefs make friendship with me impossible, such is their personal choice.
Second, I have family and friends who are Jehovah's Witnesses. Although my relationship with them has changed somewhat, by a display of mutual respect, I have been able to maintain a level of warmth and communication. An official status of disassociation or disfellowshipment would impair these relationships, perhaps irrevocably. This is not a burden I seek to place on myself or these family members and friends.
Third, many former Jehovah's Witnesses have found comfort and support by seeking out other former members. Online forums and face-to-face support meetings can now be readily arranged through the power of the internet. First time members to these communities are often fearful of who they will encounter. Being able to truthfully report I am neither disassociated or disfellowshipped can assuage such fears.
The Phoenix Atheist Group would be interested in how religious organizations treat former members. However, unlike former Jehovah's Witnesses, my status as disassociated or disfellowshipped would not be a concern to this group.
Fourth, the leadership of Jehovah's Witnesses has made no provision for a dignified resignation that does not involve implying bad character and subsequent shunning of the former member.
You may find such frank talk about former members and meet-up groups disconcerting. Yet, upon reflection, you may realize this should be of little concern to Jehovah's Witnesses. These groups are for former members who are seeking support while transitioning out of the faith. As a Jehovah's Witnesses congregation elder, you are only able to assist those returning to, remaining in or joining for the first time. Support for former members and those leaving the faith is the exact opposite of what you can provide. What would it say about Jehovah's Witnesses if they sought to interfere with a few thousand former members who meet in rag-tag support groups around the world?
Nonetheless, we must reach a balance where legitimate concerns of Jehovah's Witnesses relative to actions of Randy Galbraith can be addressed while avoiding punitive measures simply because of your dislike for atheists and former Jehovah's Witnesses. If I am made the subject of slander or libel with clear intent to bring harm to my good character, I will resist, legally if necessary.
Since I have left voluntarily and am no longer a member, the only legitimate concern may be a misunderstanding of my views by some Jehovah's Witnesses or members of the community. I am sure you do not want any to conclude Jehovah's Witnesses have relaxed their views on Christmas decorations because of the choices I have made. I do not want misunderstanding to persist either. I thus offer these suggestions as avenues for resolution.
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You are welcome to leave me in peace, concluding some misunderstandings may happen from time to time, but do not carry enough concern that they need to be addressed.
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You are welcome to direct any with inquiries to contact me for an explanation.
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In private, you are welcome to explain to any who inquire that I am an atheist, however, I have not been disfellowshipped nor have I disassociated myself. Therefore, the congregation is not directing anyone to shun me.
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You are welcome to make this one time public announcement, provided it is stated clearly and read in full:
“This is to inform the congregation that Randy Galbraith identifies himself as an atheist. He has not been disfellowshiped. He has not disassociated himself. The congregation is not being directed to shun him. This announcement is being made for informational purposes only.”
I hope at this point all your concerns have been answered and the matter can now be settled. My sincere and best wishes go with you.
What, though, if you are unable to comply with the above suggestions? I want to stress that my only desire is to be peaceable with all concerned. I hold no malice towards Jehovah's Witnesses. I will ask a court to judge our concerns only as a last resort.
If you decide to form a Judicial Committee, please be aware I do not view myself under your ecclesiastical authority. I am happy to meet with you or other Jehovah's Witnesses to discuss matters. If you view such as a Judicial Committee, that is your right, however, I will not. Since the outcome may involve charges of slander, libel or religious hate crime, I must insist on certain things up front.
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All face-to-face and over-the-phone meetings will be recorded for posterity.
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No face-to-face meetings will take place without my legal counsel present.
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I must be informed in writing who I am dealing with, who they represent, what their charges are and what action they intend on taking.
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All written records, including, but not limited to, letters, forms and notes, pertaining to my case must be kept for posterity and be made available to me or my legal counsel upon request.
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All correspondence and oral direction given or received between the local congregation and legal entities of Jehovah's Witnesses must be recorded and kept for posterity and made available to me or my legal counsel upon request.
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I must insist myself and my legal counsel be made aware seven days in advance of any intended public announcement involving my name. I must be allowed suitable opportunity to record the announcement for posterity. My legal counsel must be allowed to be present.
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I must insist myself and my legal counsel be made aware seven days in advance of any meeting parts, such as “local needs” or “marking talks”, wherein the substance of my private life is discussed, even if my name is not mentioned. I must be allowed suitable opportunity to record such for posterity. My legal counsel must be allowed to be present.
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I must insist names, addresses and phone numbers of congregation members who hear any announcement involving my name or talks wherein the substance of my private life is discussed be made available to myself and my legal counsel for possible depositions.
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Any private counsel written or orally given to congregation members involving my case must be recorded and made available to me or my legal counsel upon request.
My understanding regarding disfellowshipping is the following format is used: “So-and-so is not one of Jehovah's Witnesses”. I call this the “short-form”.
Within the context of free exercise of religion, such a statement may find justification. For example, if one of Jehovah's Witnesses who seeks continued association and views himself under your ecclesiastical authority commits adultery, such an individual may not object. In fact, they may be grateful details of their “sin” have not been elaborated upon. Such an individual may then seek reinstatement, and through this process, feel the “sin” has been put behind them and once again enjoy fellowship within the faith.
However, my situation is dramatically different. I have not shown any moral lapses of which I might be ashamed. My belief Jehovah God most likely does not exist is as sincerely held as yours that he does. I do not view myself as under your ecclesiastical authority. I have left and am not seeking continued association.
If the short form is used without elaboration, I can only conclude you have decided to slander me with clear intent to bring harm to my good character. This is so, because both you and I know the public statement “Randy Galbraith is not one of Jehovah's Witnesses” suffers in what is not said and what is implied. Several means of addressing misunderstanding and confusion about my status as a non-member have been given above. If this “short-form” statement is used rather than the more precise one I suggested above, I will ask a court to conclude the following:
This “short-form” statement was made with the full knowledge it would do far more than merely clear up any misunderstanding regarding my non-member status. It would directly result in harm to my good character. My family and friends who remain as Jehovah's Witnesses would be obliged to shun me. Former members who may wish to interact with me may become fearful upon learning I have been disfellowshipped. This outcome was known in advance and pursued despite viable alternatives because of your dislike of atheists and former Jehovah's Witnesses. You intend to bring harm to my good character. You intend to interfere with the functioning of former Jehovah's Witnesses support groups.
Likewise, any private counsel wherein my name is used or implied that has clear intent to bring harm to my good character or impair my relationships with family and friends who are Jehovah's Witnesses I shall view as slander.
In conclusion, it is good to reflect upon the true meaning of religious freedom. For we cannot rightly secure religious freedom for ourselves if we seek to deny it from others.
The July 2009 Awake! said “God allows each person the freedom to choose how he or she will respond. No one should be forced to worship in a way that he finds unacceptable or be made to choose between his beliefs and his family.”2
I commend the Awake! author on such a reasonable view. I only ask you apply such sentiment not only to those leaving other faiths to join Jehovah's Witnesses, but also extend such to those of us who do the opposite.
Yours sincerely,
Randy Galbraith
1Within the first year after leaving, I attended 3 meetings, since then, I have attended no more.
2http://www.freeminds.org/blogs/from-ctrl-to-ctrl-alt-delete/recent-email-with-jw-on-july-2009-awake.html
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The Slain of Jehovah
by snugglebunny ini was talking to an old ex-dub friend yesterday.
we hadn't seen one another for 40+ years, so we had a whole wealth of experiences (upbuilding experiences, ha ha!
) to swap.. one of the similar things we'd encountered was parental blackmail to return to the truth, desist from turning our backs on jehovah, get right with jehovah, put our lives in order, etc etc.. each time this involved a much loved dead relative.. mine went along the lines of: .
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rawe
Hi SnuggleBunny,
Can you imagine what the morality of this sounds like if actor was human? Let's call your friend Sam and the powerful actor Fred.
Sam: SnuggleBunny, what am I going to say to your grandmother after the release by Fred? You know the first thing she will ask is where is SnuggleBunny?
SnuggleBunny: Please tell grandmother I made it out alive and I lived a good life!
Sam: But by the time Fred releases grandmother he will have caught up to you and killed you! I'll have to tell grandmother that you have become the slain of Fred!
SnuggleBunny: That may be so. Tell grandmother that I'm not sure if "release of Fred" is much of a release. Sure he seems to have held grandmother captive all those years, but after the release, he still is demanding that you and grandmother love and worship him under the penalty of death. And by then you'll know it is all too real, because he will have killed me. I will have become the slain of Fred. So, please tell grandmother I escaped the prison Fred had us in.
Sam: Oh, my God SnuggleBunny, I never thought of it that way before! Fred is actually pretty awful!
SnuggleBunny: Dear Sam, actually it is worse than that. I know Fred keeps demanding you love and worship him and promises that one day he will release you, but actually I don't think he has any such plans. Those promises are hollow, designed just to keep you happy in his prison. Why should anyone believe Fred will keep his promises? Sam, you know many promises Fred made, he failed to keep. Did not Fred "promise" the generation of 1914 would not pass away? And what sort of promise is this anyway? Love and worship me or I will kill you!? Continue to love and worship me, after I've killed your family members!?
Take care, -Randy
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25
I think I made up my mind
by paradiseseeker ina month ago i travelled alone to italy for three days and i had the opportunity to visit the beautiful florence and re-visit many parts of rome.. but most importantly, i had the opportunity to stay alone and think about my situation and to make up my mind.. i've had very clear for almost 5 years that i will eventually leave the religion, but i couldn't decide when.. but now i know : i will leave on april 20th, the day after the memorial.. that day i will talk to my parents (this is by far the hardest thing to do) and soon afterwards i will talk to my closest friends, then i will send my disassociation letter.
i know that i will let them down, i will hurt them, most probably some of them will cry... but i need to live coherently for the first time in my life.
i'm sure that living in this contradiction is affecting and will affect my mental health and it's time for me to help myself instead of others.
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rawe
Hi paradiseseeker,
My wife and I talked about leaving the faith a few times before we actually did. Almost immediately after I was appointed an elder I became disturbed by how this part of the faith functioned. I already had some serious doubts about the existence of God, Noah's flood and how we treated the theory of evolution. But we were both greatly frightened by the prospect of leaving. So we hung on for a few more years.
When we left it was dramatic. Out in service Saturday morning and left that afternoon. But a circumstance surrounding my daughter was a catalyst. Two years previously I resigned as an elder and was now more comfortable with the idea my doubts about the existence of God was not going to go away.
Once a person has decided I don't think there is much reason to delay. In most cases I recommend against writing a letter of disassociation. Unless the person is still in agreement with the rules of the faith there is no real obligation to follow their formulas.
Leaving was a bit disorienting. I found keeping all the other parts of my life in a routine helped. Work was still there. My family was still there (in my case my wife and daughters left with me). I took up running, which helped. Eventually we found an Ex-JW meetup group and that was great (mostly). I say "mostly" because one of the two groups near us was oriented towards getting JWs to become nominal Christians -- which I wasn't interested in.
The cold realization that so many friendships in the faith are conditional came as a shock. Literally nothing about my person, how kind I had been or continued to be made a difference. The depth of the influence the faith has over those who believe was more than I ever thought.
Adjusting to the world outside also took time. As awful as the JW life was, there is something to being part of a small group who self-style themselves as "us against the world." There is an odd reality to the "brotherhood" that I found doesn't exist in the larger wider world. The good news I found is with some work relationships you do gain are built on a much better foundation. The ability to really listen without judgment is great. I eventually joined another religion (Unitarian Universalists) who accept atheists.
It wasn't easy to leave, but after being out for all these years, we are so happy to have it in our past. My wife and girls love Christmas!
Take care, -Randy
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Memorial Non-Attendance: The Single Most Impactful TTATT Witness to JW Friends & Family
by AMNESIANO inmust read!.
(posted annually since 2014).
notice: the following is submitted in full recognition of and with compassion and due respect for those who, due to personal circumstance, feel they are unable to employ the following powerful strategy.
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rawe
Hi Everyone,
Since leaving in 2007 I have attended memorial almost every year (I think I missed one time). I do so as a sign of respect for two individuals who remain in the faith. My mother-in-law and one dear friend who was like a mother to me while I was growing up. And to an extent I wish to slay a certain bogeyman. I live in Chandler Arizona where no JWs know me. I lived in north Phoenix when I left the faith and although gave talks around the valley when I was an elder, still no JW knows me down here. I grew up in Quesnel, BC, Canada. For the last two memorials I've made the trek up to Canada to visit family at the time of the memorial so I can attend there. I'm heading up again this year.
Now if you think this is all a bit crazy -- I totally understand -- and it probably is to an extent ;-).
In 2013 I began to attend Valley Unitarian Universalist Congregation here in Chandler. I became a member of VUU in January 2015. UUs are one of the few faiths that accept atheists, such as myself. Lots of atheists are non-religious, so I'm a bit of an exception there too. The UU faith rejects the idea of dogma. None of "you must believe this or that or do this or that." Rather UUs are guided by seven principals. The sixth principal is:
"The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all"
While I cannot control what someone might think of what it means when I attend, I also don't worry too much about that either. I've twice attend services as a Mosque. I've attended Catholic Mass, one time in Latin. If someone were to conclude I'm a Muslim or Catholic or agree with the doctrines of these faiths they would be wrong. For those that want to know they just need to ask. What I hope though is these efforts help bring a wee bit of peace, liberty and justice. I don't know if that for sure will work. But that is my goal nonetheless.
Likewise, if someone were to conclude I hold a sympathetic view towards JW beliefs that is not true. On the other hand, if someone were to ask, I would surely report that I hold a sympathetic view towards JWs as individuals. In particular certain individuals I hold very dear and wish for them to realize that whether they decide to remain or leave does not alter how I feel about them. Given that both are older women in their 80s who have been life-long JWs I'm not sure how keen I would be for them to leave the faith. Leaving in my 40s, it took me several years to adjust. I have no idea what it would be like for someone in their 80s.
The leadership of JWs attempt to make out that former members are bogeyman. Ex-JWs are surely misled by the devil and could never leave and live good lives. The leadership also implies both JWs and Ex-JWs will follow certain rules. I see no reason why such a premise should be accepted. My name was announced at the Kingdom Hall, but I was never disfellowshipped nor did I write a letter of disassociation. When I openly celebrated Christmas in 2009 after leaving in 2007 the Union Hills elders took it upon themselves to act against my wishes and ultimately without informing me. However, this doesn't mean I must treat people in any different way. When I show up, I'll be friendly and say "hi." How folks respond is up to them. When I see Witnesses in public and if I have the time, I will visit and engage them in a friendly way. If the conversation allows for it I share a bit of my story.
I'm 54 and am in college now. It is slow going since lots going on with a family, work and church. This semester I'm taking Philosophy 101. I ran across this passage in my text that I thought was interesting:
"The true Brahmin adopts nothing from others, owes nothing to others' views; immune from strife, he deems no theory 'the Truth.'" (Buddhist Scripture: A Dialogue on Dogmatism and Truth).
Cheers, -Randy