(((oompa))) This was a very brave, courageous thing for you to do. You have our support, many listening ears and shoulders to lean on. My heart goes out to you & your boys.
Like Morbidzbaby, this was difficult to read. Truly poignant; like a voice crying out in the darkness - it went straight to the heart. I wanted to reach out to you and give you a big hug. There was a lump in my throat and a flush of anxiety went through me reading your post, especially this:
... their shunning is worse than if they had died...that then i could grieve naturally and move on because that is normal....grief helps you cope...my grief is different because they CHOOSE to act like i am dead and normal grief does not seem to work on that
Over a year ago - I sent a letter to my father to firmly yet respectfully ask him (all trying to show the utmost care and love) to stop going after me about rejoining the JWs. To stop blaming me for our dysfunctional family and that if only I'd come back, we could have a "normal" relationship. I was tired of the burden placed on my shoulders for the tragedy that is our family. A part of the letter dealt with the fact that HE was the one who CHOSE to treat me as if I were dead. As if I were the lowest, vilest thing on this earth, not worthy of even god's love. I told him I would love to have a real relationship with him: the man, the father...if he were to only want and CHOSE to have a real relationship with me: his blood, his daughter. I ended the letter with the message that I would always love him, no matter what...and unconditionally.
Since then, I've rec'd no response from him. Some days, I'm OK. Others - I cope. And then even others...I die inside. But I had to stand up for myself and speak MY truth, come what may.
As painful as this was/is - you stood up for your truth. Even if they don't choose to change their behaviors after your talk with them, you took what wasn't yours to carry anymore and said you just wouldn't and couldn't do this. To take a stand, draw a healthy boundary and also put down a burden in this life = courage.
I have to share that recently a friend of mine (never a JW) remarked, "I'm sorry to say this, but it's almost as if you will have a sense of release and closure, when your father passes on." You know what...for as heartless as this might sound - she's probably right. Like you said, oompa - at least then I could grieve and cope properly. I could finally and truly let go...and move on.
Peace, love and strength to you.
~ RTA
PS - I'm so sorry to hear about their not visiting nor reaching out to you after your surgery. Their ill treatment/shunning, under the guise of 'tough love', makes a person's heart hurt.
