Being Angry with God...just purely...angry...
I am going to talk about God...and i'm hurting...so I just need to talk. I wish a lot of things...so maybe right now i just wish to be able to talk about this with someone..because I feel very alone.
I am so alone...i feel SO alone...I'm depressed and it wont GO away. it's JUST ALONE depression...among other things. I had someone to come home to...and now...that person maybe leaving.
I'm at a point in my life where my faith has been depleted and robbed of me. Not because of Jehovah's Witnesses or anything of THAT nature. I live in despair because there's nothing left for me to look towards. The only thing I want out of life...i feel is leaving me or never was there to begin with. All the people that i go begging for help have given up on me. Now all things are 'What does The Master say?" ... If i could hear his voice, I wouldn't come to you. I'm told my hearing is dulled...
i love these people...they do me no harm (no sarcasm). They have answered my emails for years...but something hasn't worked with their advice...or whatever. They spent hours on the phone talking to me...only that within a week or so after the conversastion, i'm back to my depression and pain. They have gifts that I can only think of having. I can't even dream of them. I have no life. I am alone. I don't have any friends, I am alone.I come home to an empty apartment full of useless crap...a bed...dressors..tv ....sofas...etc...
"Only God can heal you. You can't heal yourself" ... If i go to therapy...if i work on being mindful...or eliminating fear..how is that GOD helping? I'm the one doing the work. If God is the one that heals....here I am! Come!
Is holy spirit really FREE? If you have to WORK for it? You have to do THIS...or THAT... Free is without any cost or payment or anything...But if you have to 'change your heart so that God can come abide in you' ...is that free? It's not like I don't want to be healed. it's not like i don't want to be HEALED
"Just ask" .....i have. I hate it when people just say 'Just ask'... As if it's THAT easy. They'll say 'it is..' ...but no...it's not. I hate that my life consists of things that other people don't deal with...disorders and shit. Christ spent SO much time HEALING people on the earth... Why not heal me? It took him half a second to heal people, bring them back from the dead... why not give me half a second? Okay maybe 5 mins...or 10... i'd take that over YEARS.Was the purpose only to 'spread the message...and if these things weren't done, these miracles than none would believe?' ... Well i'm loosing my believing abilities. I'm loosing my ability to believe that I matter...even though 'logically' i'm suppose to know that God is Love...and his Son is the Way...and that allt hose 'believing' will be saved through him. I'm loosing my ability to believe.
Eventually it'll be all my fault. That's where the blame will come to. Even though i'm cornered without any control and being controlled by my mind/invisible force that will not permit me anything or any peace. i'm trying to control things to keep my sanity because I have no control. And what? 'Look...what you did with your life' ...but i'm sitting here waiting for GOD/Christ to heal me.
Is Job so noble? wasn't he upset with God and had to be 'humbled?'
Is it blaming God, when you know it's the Advesary that's tormenting you, but you know that GOD isn't helping you? and you're angry about that? Because it is a fact that it's the 'ultimate test' ...to do the test of faith thing... Maybe i have blamed God...because i'm so angry with him now.. i'm SO angry... But is it blaming him when I say things like 'he saved so and so..but wont save me'
I'm sure when he looks at me and in my eyes, i'm the one that's going to cower in fear and say 'i'm sorry' ... 'i know it's all my fault' ...even though i feel completely out of control and under the control of desire or sin or spirit...or devil. I don't know.Everything will be 'visible' ...and everything i've DONE am going to do ...etc.. will be shown. Judgement upon judgement upon judgement upon judgement.
'don't judge' ...that's like saying 'oh don't feel bad' ...
... 'oh...i never though it t like that! ..thanks!'
I hate it when people say 'don't feel bad'...or 'don't feel like that' ...
As if it's THAT easy to move from one emotion to another.
all i ever wanted in life...was a wife...that i can love and loves me....with a kid/kids without being constantly DEPRESSED among the other disorder. If God is love...and all i want is LOVE...isn't it safe to say that all i ever have asked for is GOD? but i'm sure i'm not ONLY asking for God...
"Go to him" .... how many times have I begged for help? god...how many times do i need to beg for? 100? 200? 300? 400? ....does that mean I have to beg EACH time I need help with something THAT many times? i'm so exhausted ...
If i feel this way and i'm talking about this openly...will i NOW receive 'discipline' ..and 'even that which he has will be taken away?'I need help, and i'm asking for help, will you now rob me because i'm despairing and begging for your help? The only thing that i feel i have worth screaming for?
I hate being alive...I just want the pain to stop and no one is listening. "Do this...do that" ...but it's not working. I'm so alone. It's obvious that the Adevesary is the one that is harming/hurting us. And God ....is just letting him becuase that's the 'test' we have to 'pass' ... But why not just let those that want to spend the rest of their lives outside this huge 'battle between 'good' and 'evil' ' ..? Why not just leave us alone?
"Because we're all in it, and have no choice except..."
"I put life and death in front of you" ...
Why?