So I have something interesting to share.
I am a Jehovah's Witness. I have been in the truth for 26 years of my life. All of my family is in the truth as well. As a young boy I deeply loved the truth. I lived the truth. I was one of those young people that all the brothers in the congregation would say, "You will be an elder someday and you'll be a great example to many." The ironic thing is they were not mistaken. I was baptized by 12. I was a regular pioneer by 13. I was a ministerial servant by 18. I have been serving as an elder for 2 years now. I married by the age of 21 to my beautiful wife who is stong spiritually. Together, for the last 5 years, we have done so much for Jehovah. I give talks every week. I give public talks every month. I have been a regular pioneer for almost 13 years now. For the last 10 years I have come out at least once a year in one assembly -either in a demonstration or an interview. I just recently gave a talk at the last special day assembly. You get the gist. However, there's something no one knows: I fake it.
Now what exactly do I fake? It's not that I don't believe in the organization's teachings (so ex Jehovah's Witnesses or any other person trying to persuade me to leave: don't waste your breath... fingers better yet). I strongly believe everything I have learned; it makes sense to me. I like being in the presence of Jehovah's Witnesses. I find certain satisfaction in helping those in need. I feel that in regards to morality and kindness I won't get any better aquanintances and "friends" in the world. Let's face it: there are plenty of great people in the world, but true Jehovah Witnesses (the ones I know) go the extra mile and truly live for me and that's all I want: the convenience. However, I fake the feelings. I naturally don't give two squirts of piss for anyone. I have felt empty since I was 12. I learned to fake my feelings in hope that the truth would change my personality, but it never did. I don't hate people; I just don't care. Whatever satisfaction I feel is simply because it makes my life less annoying. It's good to help and be loved because no one bothers you since you already do it "all." You know... no zealous wife nagging you for being a bad head; no mother or father complaining I don't do enough; no elder giving me those annoying shepherding calls. I created this mask at a young age. I pretended to love, to care, but deep down I felt nothing. I married my wife because she was an attractive woman to have intercourse with and a helpful companion when it came to bills and making food. I don't love her; I simply choose to have her around for the benefits I stated. She doesn't know; she can't even hint it. I am that good. All the brothers look at me as a role model because I'm awesome. I am not conceited because of my ability to speak, reason, give beautiful talks, give "heart felt" prayers and all that worthless "sacrifice." I simply just know that to the spirtual eyes I am the pinnacle of a spiritual man.
I done some horrible things in my life. I will not mention anything specific, but I will give you a hint on how my actions are based on my childhood traumas. I was molested as a child; I was about eight. He was a teenager that was my neighbor's son and he locked me in his house and did some horrible things to me. I lost much of my innocence that day. I saw my uncle get stabbed to death in Mexico while we walked to the store. I witnessed a little girl get hit over the head and kidnapped when I was at the park one winter evening; I told my mom, but she never believed me. That frightened me (I still have nightmares). Turns out she is still missing in that town. Don't ask. I can barely remember. When I was 12, shortly after getting baptized, I saw my best friend at school suicide. He said he was going to fix a light bulb in the garage when really he was making a spectacle of his suicide. I never understood why he wanted me to see. I don't know why all this happened to me. I snapped. I don't know where along the line, but I snapped. I have an unsatisfied thirst for violence. I don't hurt anyonephysically anymore as I used to; don't want to go to jail, but I still like hurting people emotionally. I would never rape anyone, specially a kid, but I do like to get inside certain people's heads and with a false sense of good I make them change any "bad" or "stupid" things they do by messing with them emotionally. It brings me much relief when I hurt someone. I can't go a day without subtly attacking a person's psyche. I do it in so many forms. I can go on, but that is all you get.
Now for all these crimes (yes, crimes I do not admit to) I have committed -even while I was baptized- I knew that Jehovah would never accept me. I should be in prison right now according to imperfect human laws. Well these also violated Jehovah's laws snd he is defenitely not pleased. I never changed. I don't want to change. I basically came to the conclusion that I will never have Jehovah's approval. Whatever. The thought of everlasting life without sin bores me. I don't want to fondle lions all day and build houses with a bunch of goody two shoes. That is what my family and wife wants and I pretend that I anxiously await for it as well to keep them from disturbing my "perfect" little life.
I committed so many sins to this day and I have no conscience. I commited fornication before getting married. I had sex with many guys trying to relive what I felt that day I got molested because I felt it would show me an answer to how to forget it and accept it, but I failed. I just ended being a bisexual that was into men who liked to role play as if they were being raped and helpless. I just could never rape someone because it just doesn't seem right.. even in thought it feels putrid. I am not an adulterer, but I would if my wife was dumb enough to not be suspicious of it. Besides fucking her tires me out; she's a sexual marathon. Off subject. I hurt people. I obviously lie. I get drunk secretly when I can. I experiment with certain drugs. I steal. You get the picture. I live my life as I want while I fake to perserve the other side of my life that makes life so convenient. I could have done it with just going to meetings and going to service on Saturdays for two hours like many do, but to keep appearances as well as possible I got sucked into it way more than I thought it was possible. Will I ever get caught? Yes. In fact I already have. Jehovah knows and will kill me and meanwhile all I can do is fake and help out as many as I can -even if my reasons are not heart felt.
I don't wish to gain anything from this website. I already seeked psychiatric help when I was younger and I was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder, but I managed to fake my feelings through therapy and I was released with a "you are cured and this religions seems to help you" diagnosis. I am now just speaking out loud. It feels good to confess who I really am: a person who doesn't give a fuck and just wants to be left alone and die. I accept my fate and the only thing I wish is that someday I can feel: feel like I used to. To love and to truly care. I do good (hypocritically) with the hope that God sees that at least I tried in some odd way. Perhaps, if I was cured he'd allow me to feel and I would love the idea of living under his Kingdom and not feel the need to kill or hurt others. Maybe, I could do some honest good and not one that requires hypocrisy. But I honestly gave that idea up long ago. It's simply a lost memory I had when I was 12. It's on Jehovah's hands now and the only certainty I have is that he will be just.
Okay fuck you, but thanks for reading =)
