Posts by Killa

1

Annual Meeting

by Killa in

this was the most disappointing thing i have ever gone to..

Killa

This was the most disappointing thing I have ever gone to.

25

Appropritate and Inappropriate Prayers.

by jam in

Hey Big J-hovah. How's it hanging? We know you're big pimpin up there in Heaven with your sexxy ass womanly organization, so we just hope that you'll take a break from "hittin dat" an please look after your peeps here planet-side. We know that you need lots of bling for your woman, but please help us to get our daily bling. And please we lookin forward to the biggest pimp-slap in the universe when ur boi JC pimp slaps the sh!t outta that satan bitch. Peace out in JC's pimpin name, Amen.

LMAO!!!!!

52

2013 Special Talk PDF "Does Death End It All?"

by yknot in

http://www.sendspace.com/file/d4heb5.

huggles y'all!!

Killa

Yeah that's the outline alright. I have the "privilege" to give it

52

2013 Special Talk PDF "Does Death End It All?"

by yknot in

http://www.sendspace.com/file/d4heb5.

huggles y'all!!

Killa

19

Is Acts 6:9 speaking about freemasons?

by EndofMysteries in

acts 6:9 "but certain men rose up of those from the so-called synagogue of the freedman"..

Killa

Leolaia wrote, "And JWs claim to go all the way back to Abel. Doesn't mean that's so."

LMAO!

44

Elders, Ministerial Servants & Pioneers That Should Not Have Been Appointed or Should Not Have Remained In Their Positions

by minimus in

jw
friends

were there a lot of elders, ms's and pioneers that should not have had those titles?.

Killa

I am still an elder. That says it all

6

SOmething I wrote describing how I feel

by Killa in

i know that times were hard.

i know that you've been feeling' down.

if i could take your pain.

Killa

Dear people of the internet,

It's weird what I am experiencing. I wonder now if anyone has gone through the exact thing as I have -of course no story is the same. That is fine. However, I wonder still. Why? Well I want to know if that "anyone" ever pulled through. I wonder if they were able to build a conscience, truly love people and actually mean what they express and do. I've been empty and I search everywhere -even in not so favorable places- just to find a spec of life. I want to feel those goosebumps normal people feel when something emotional occurs; I want to feel those hairs on the back of the neck and arms stand up, and feel a rush of chemicals that warm the entire state of mind, body and spirits. Sometimes I can somewhat understand these feelings when I see they occur in family memebers and others and I get frustrated that I don't have the same response.

I have a pleasant memory of many things in my childhood, but I'm angry at the fact that it was stolen from me. My innocence was stolen from me and as if it wasn't enough they stomped what little trace I had of it afterwards.

I haven't cried in many years. Some say tears are what cleans out your system, but my water supply is empty. I can't even fake cry; it's damn near impossible. The most emotional and sentimental I get is just feeling angry when I remember my childhood being stolen from me and I feel headaches whenever my psychologists wants me to explore my past. It's not like I keep these thoughts tucked away; I am very much aware of what happened, but indulging in the feelings I felt is what makes me feel some sort of life, though no plesant. I guess it's better to feel pain than nothing at all? I doubt it Three Days Grace. I am not happier without feelings, but I'm not happy with feelings.

At times I just makes me want to kill myself; I am not going to because I don't believe in being so pitiful. However, sometimes I fantasize on the idea of not existing. Perhaps the world would have been better off; I honestly do not care, but at least I'd know it was for the best. Sometimes I wish that my wife or anyone was in some immediate danger so I can sacrifice my life for her or them. I would be a hero; I would die with a purpose and meaning even if I was doing it selfishly, it would appear to have been done selflessly: oh the irony.

Why do I even attempt to quiet the moster I am? What really propels me? Is it some sort of guilt, i.e., my conscience condemning me? My psychologist beleives so. Is he lying to me though? I have lied to others all my life and made my entire life out of lies already. The point is to uncover the truth. I don't want to rebuild my life again with more lies just because some fancy man with a degree.

Holy shit! My eye just watered as I typed that.

6

SOmething I wrote describing how I feel

by Killa in

i know that times were hard.

i know that you've been feeling' down.

if i could take your pain.

Killa

So during this time I've been speaking to a a psychologist for the last 2 weeks and umm I don't feel too much better, but I told him about this website and how I felt like in some weird way "coming out" as my true self on here gave me some sort of relief. He said that it was a great start and was very positive. I am honestly not sure what to make of myself, but he did say that it's possible that I'm not all a complete sociopath for I posses certain good feelings that many sociopaths don't posses. Perhaps I'm wired differently, but not from birth, but later on in life after having a normal life. He said that it gives me the upper hand in combating bad desires for I have 2 sides of me: one is who I was and the one who I was forced to be. My normal way of being is to act without guilt and be despicable, but the other side reminds me that life is precious and that is my battle. I had never saw it that way before and now that is my only hope. My hopes are always crushed, but I'm keeping this alive. It's an odd mixture in one person, but it is what it is. Anyways, I took your words for it and did attempt to receive help; it's a start. I honestly just don't know what is going to happen with me in the end. It's some relief to talk to someone and post on here, so I will not plague this forum with endless threads; I will just be posting on this here thread as my psychologist instructed me to.

6

SOmething I wrote describing how I feel

by Killa in

i know that times were hard.

i know that you've been feeling' down.

if i could take your pain.

Killa

I know that times were hard
I know that you've been feeling' down
If you only knew how I'm feeling'
For you
If I could take your pain
I wish that I could wash it all away
If you only knew how I’m feeling'

I’m tired of the bullshit; I’m done with hypocrisy

I’m tired of the monotony living the same boring life constantly

I want to feel something that doesn’t last five minutes

Without feeling the need to venture into some other interests

I want to fill this void with some fucking happiness

With a substance that doesn’t burn out too quick

The only thing that kept me moving was hope

Hope for something greater to come, but I’ve lost hope

Because no matter how much I’ve accumulated; I’m still hated

And I don’t mean you, but by me; my life I hate it!

I feel so empty like a body without the soul

Except my heart is still pumping, why? I don’t know

I just want to disassociate from all this nothingness

And replace it with living inside of your head

And be accepted, and not live my life backwards

And be able to converse without seeming so fucking awkward

And be the cool kid and fit in and be loved

Instead I’m a loser that no one even knows of

I hate that I pity my existence

I just want my life to have some real meaning that is persistent

You've been running' around for so long
You've been hurting yourself too much
You keep messing' around with darkness
You're the one who's losing

I thought having money and the job I always wanted

And having my own home and girl who truly loves me

Would fill this void, but instead it did not

I tried doing all the things that I always dreamed of

But none of these ever gave me true happiness

I constantly am looking for more; I’m such a wreck

Because I know that the pursuit of happiness is never ending

I wonder if it’s just me or if you too are feeling

The same exact way and I’m just being selfish

Perhaps you’re fronting a smile and concealing like I did

In that case you’re probably wishing you were me

Oh the irony; of course I’m speaking hypothetically

I tell myself this to concentrate my thoughts on others

Instead of thinking I’m the only person who’s feelings matter

But honestly I failed in the process

And every attempt to feel alive made me selfish, thus a monster

You've been running' around for so long
You've been hurting yourself too much
You keep messing' around with darkness
You're the one who's losing

So the only thing that I can say is sorry for the pain

Though I say it in vain; I do try to refrain

But I’ve sunk in my loathe and disgust for myself

And if I can’t love me, I can’t love anyone else

And this mentality deliriously excused me for my actions

And only with unbiased eyes I can begin to decipher

That the only person who should have suffered was me

Though I feel no guilt; I am truly empty

I guess I can try without bringing you in it

And attempt to feel alive without hurting those who are near me

But it’s something you just couldn’t understand

You can’t venture down the mind of a sociopath

However, I have one thing that truly holds me back

The memory of an innocent child who had his life hacked

I was not born with this monstrosity

It was forced upon me, but I can’t pass it along. You see

At first I was confused and I couldn’t deal with it

And I may have hurt many, but I’ve learned to refuse it

Refuse this worthless way of living and not attack those innocent

And be better even if I can’t honestly produce it

From this blackened heart I was cursed to posses

I can still try for the memory of my past persists

And reminds me that life isn’t always so bad

And I should respect your happiness and not envy what you have

I know that times were hard
I know that you've been feeling' down
If you only knew how I'm feeling'
For you
If I could take your pain
I wish that I could wash it all away
If you only knew how I’m feeling'

147

Conti update article: "Watchtower Loses Conti Appeal - But Fights On"

by cedars in

i've published a new article on my blog explaining where things are up to with the candace conti case.. as well as detailing the latest developments, i also summarize the events since june and reveal some of kathleen conti's thoughts on what's in store for the watchtower.. here is the link:.

http://jwsurvey.org/cedars-blog/watchtower-loses-conti-appeal-but-fights-on.

as always, if you can think of a way that the article can be improved, i would love to hear feedback!.

Killa

I'd like to see what happens to the WTS after all these lawsuits involve the media and members within the organization have no choice, but to realize what is going on. However, they'll keep marching strong, blind but strong.