I was raised by an extremely dogmatic JW mother and an agnostic father. My mom married my dad before she became a witness; she was baptized when I was two. My parents had many arguments early on, but my dad just gave up and let her do what she wanted as far as raising my brother, sister and I, although he was always very clear that he did not believe what the witnesses taught. My mom was insistent about full meeting attendance, service (often after school), and put a lot of pressure on me and my siblings to get baptized. I had many doctrinal questions as a pre-teen and teenager and spent lots of time talking to the elders (arranged by my mom). My mom seriously pressured me into getting baptized at age 16 - the peer pressure within the congregation was strong, too. I did very well in school and a major family blow-up occurred when I told my dad I was going to pioneer instead of going to college, but he backed down on that, too, and I pioneered for several years out of high school and even moved to where the need was greater. I continued to have major doubts and when the teaching on 1914 changed, that was the last straw for me, and I left. My brother and sister and mom are all still witnesses and do not talk to me, although my mom does speak to my two children. I have a good relationship with my dad.
Here are some things I wish that my father had done differently (and he told me that he wishes he had done differently):
- insist that we had friends and associated with kids outside of the organization
- allow us to play sports and be involved with extracurricular activities
- discuss doctrines. I think this would have made a big difference to me because I had so many doubts and getting a different, well thought out and reasonable perspective from my father, at a young age, would have been enormous. We did occasionally engage in debates when I was in high school, such as evolution vs. creation, but I think I was too far gone by then
- argue with the fact that witnesses are the only ones who have the truth and that everyone else will die at armageddon. Present evidence of "goodness" in other groups. Although I had many doctrinal questions growing up, I never really questioned that all other religions were evil, so it made my other issues seem secondary. It also made me reject any argument against the witnesses (occasionally presented by my grandparents) as being "apostate". I think if these discussions had started at an early age, in conjunction with a discussion of doctrines, I would have been eagar to entertain alternatives
- insist on college (if that's what your children want) and don't wait to have that discussion until the last minute. Deep down, I really did want to go to college out of high school and I remember wishing at the time that my dad would have insisted. I did eventually go to college during the brief change in policy in the 90's, and it helped give me the confidence to finally get out.
- Do not underestimate the peer pressure in the congregation. Because my mom was very active and my dad was an unbeliever, we had several elders take my brother and sister and I "under their wing" and the pressure from them and their families was huge! We felt the pressure from the "good" families because we wanted to be considered "good association", and this influenced my willingness to participate in lots of witness activities enormously, especially because I had no friends outside of the organization.
- Don't let your kids get baptized!!
Overall, both my dad and I wish that he would not have ceded full control to my mother. As other posters have noted, this religion is not just a matter of "learning about Jesus"; it's a cult. It was very stressful for the entire family for me to leave the truth, my dad included - he's had to put up with lots and lots of heartache from my mom over the situation, as well as dealing with difficulties over visiting arrangements, talking to his grandchildren, etc. (all of it initiated by my mom, not me). I think in retrospect, even my mom wishes I had not gotten baptized, because then she'd still be able to talk to me. She has extremely mixed feelings about the fact that I felt pressured to get baptized and I know she struggles enormously with how things have turned out (my mom and my aunt are super close and my aunt is not a witness, so I hear my mom's thoughts via my aunt). Also - I'm not disfellowshipped. My mom and I maintained a relationship for several years after my leaving the organization and marrying an unbeliever. When I told her, after having children, that we were celebrating Christmas as a family, she decided after LENGTHY discussion with the elders, to treat me as disassociated, and my brother and sister followed suit, even though no official action was ever taken in the congregation and I had moved across the country and not associated with the witnesses for 10+ years at that point.