I get you.
I've probably rabbited on about this many times. I was born in. Pioneer(tm), Min-serv(tm) finally Elder(tm).
The missus left me with the kids because I didn't want to be a Jobot anymore. In fact an Elder(tm) that wanted to bang her, told her to leave me. He's now dead. She's now married to a Jobot with lots of money and a big home. He's a bit of a dimwit though. I say that impartially.
When I think of what I could have done if I wasn't trapped in the filthy disgusting cult..................................
I know people say, well. go and do it. It's never too late. I say to those people, thanks for your faith but you're not being realistic.
It's no use going to get qualifications etc. Why would I? I retire next year, there's no point.
I'll never be big in the music or art world because let's face facts honestly here; no one wants an old man doing these things unless you are already established from youth. Another thing, at least here in the UK, most successful people are from middle to upper class families. Inconvenient truth!
I'm too old to find a meaningful partner that I can schtupf regularly, because they've either got no desire that way anymore even though I'm functioning well. I don't want 'just friends' at this time. We would both have shitty baggage too.
Maybe it's my fault for not waking up from the vile Watchtower(tm) cult earlier. But there we are.
I trot along in life hoping for better.
Oh, what's the bloody point? as Kenneth Williams said.
This bloke puts it best....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOFJxANk5Ks