You are certainly entitled to believe and follow... or not... as you choose. I cannot agree, as I have been led to understand differently. Of course you are playing a parody, but my answer to anyone would be the same.
Now what makes you think this is parody? How do you know that I didn't reason exactly like this when I was a pre-dub Christian? Anyway---
Some of the bible was written by lying scribes. Jesus was the word, and he used metaphor. Sure, the disciples went on to preach, but that favored position was still maintained, because now they were the teachers. You see? The first step is to cull the herd, or at least give the perception that they did, by claiming that a truly repulsive teaching was introduced. It makes them look good, and like they stuck with the master even when what he said was disgusting. Only he never said it, because this is all about perception. Jesus would never have said such a thing. They took a metaphor and expanded on it, making them look particularly special. Now they wished to teach it and come from a place of authority. So they get their prestige, the dynamic is changed, they are the teachers, and people are following their teaching----while they can look ultra faithful by claiming that some willfully walked away, but not them!
It worked well. That's why one of your first questions was did I partake. You use that as a measuring stick, when Jesus said following his teachings was the measure. It was later that the stick was changed. It is still used today. Those that partake--those that don't. Those that partake accept Jesus, those that don't pass. Same reasoning the lying scribes used.
Those that are paying attention to the Word may choose to pass on ritualistic, symbolic cannibalism, because they KNOW that is not what Jesus would ask of them. People only need to look to Christ to sort it all out. Christ would not ask us to kill or hurt anyone, and he would not ask us to take part in cannibalistic rituals--even symbolically. Even as he would not ask us to kill---even symbolicaly.