fade_away, a few months ago I was in the same place you are now. I didn't believe there was a loving god that took a personal interest in us, but how could the wondrous world around us exist without a creator? So far, I have found three books particularly interesting and they have helped me answer many of my questions. They are: The "God" Part of the Brain by Matthew Alper, Richard Dawkins' The Greatest Show on Earth, and Why Evolution is True by Jerry A. Coyne. You, too, may find these helpful in your journey. All the best to you.
FM