Through being "kept busy", JW parents can become emotionally distanced from their children, thus creating abandonment issues which manifest themselves later in adult life. Have a read of the following article . . . I have highlighted some critical comments which may be applicable to being raised as a JW.
Have you been affected by abandonment issues?
How "Abandonment" Messes with Your Life
Yes, abandonment fears can throw a monkey wrench into your relationships. They are tantamount to the most desperate and scary feelings that can arise for any of us.
Without even being aware, unresolved abandonment issues can wreak havoc with our lives driving us into a revolving door of failed starts and premature relationship break-ups.
Feelings of abandoment are learned
Yes, it's true. Bad relationship experiences can make us more guarded and fearful in future. After all, if my partner abandons me I'll probably be more sensitive to this happening again.
However, not everyone responds the same way to being left by someone. Our response to this unfortunate event depends to a large degree on our early attachment experiences.
Remember: our first years is the time the brain is most vulnerable to imprinting.
Infants are learning something very different than what we normally think of as "learning". Yes, they are learning to walk and talk. But they are also learning how to relate to others.
This type of learning doesn't lend itself to easy recall like remembering a history fact. These relational behaviours and emotional responses are stored in the right-brain-based implicit memory system which is why it's not so easy to identify patterns until they are "screaming" at you.
Infant life is naturally scary
As infants, we are extremely sensitive to the nuances in the behaviour and reactions of our parents. After all, they already know about this world and we only just arrived.
Recall that survival depends upon our connection with our parents and/or primary caretakers. As such, there are many ways abandonment fears can get triggered and imprinted in an infant, thus setting the pattern for how the grown-up will relate to loved ones in the future.
The conditions that give rise to these patterns don't necessarily require that Mom/Dad permanently leave the scene. For instance, they can be physically there but not emotionally present, a situation that is easily and painfully recognized by the infant.
Or Mom or Dad could get sick, or be so preoccupied by their own thoughts and stress that they're not there for you. (It's like talking to a friend who's obviously thinking of something else and not listening to what you say).
Parents can also abandon you emotionally if they find another interest that absorbs their time and energy, such as a new relationship, a new child, etc. This is why birth order or the time spacing between children can have such a strong impact on the growing child.
Indeed, research shows that an infant will show signs of clinical depression if Mom is absent for more than two weeks. These "depression" neuropathways develop at a time when early experiences have a crucial impact on the developing brain. Susceptibility gets imprinted, so that in adulthood we're at higher risk for depression.
How do abandonment feelings show up for you?
Abandonment issues aren't always easy to recognize
Of course, it can sometimes take several relationships to recognize a pattern, and even longer to resolve it--if at all. (This is why psychotherapy can interrupt old patterns and help you learn new ways of being with your partner.)
They might explain for instance why some folks choose a spouse for whom they have no strong feelings. By trading emotional attachment for security, at least they'll feel in control over their fears of abandonment.
Unfortunately, it can take years before a person realizes the consequences of their decision.
#1. Are you haunted by the idea that your partner may leave you?
You might recognize abandonment fears in your reaction to your partner's "departures". In other words, "I can't live without him" (even if he's going to the 7-Eleven to get ice cream ).
Moreover, you can feel downright squirrely if your spouse leaves to cool off after a heated argument. Unless your feelings have been heard and at least the promise of a resolution offered, you'll probably be triggered into anger or despair.
Your partner can also be physically present yet emotionally absent; he or she seems to "disappear" in front of your very eyes. This can drive you crazy especially if your he or she refuses to acknowledge the emotional distance that's sending you into a tailspin.
These feelings are so easily triggered that you feel abandoned even if you initiate a break-up. That is, you still come away feeling as if your partner had left you!
Unresolved abandonment issues help to explain why anger surfaces over the sudden accidental death of a loved one. Whether it is expected or not, the death of a loved one can feel sudden and shocking and give rise to feelings of being left behind.
#2 Are you hiding out in relationships long past the expiration date?
Strong feelings of abandonment can override your decision to leave a crappy relationship. Abandonment fears go to the core. It's all about survival.
In fact, feelings of anger or despair can be so strong and easily triggered, they motivate people in ways that are quite puzzling to an outside observer.
Imagine a woman who no longer feels lovingly towards her husband and agonizes over leaving him. She avoids doing so because she could not bear to trigger the same pain in him.
So, out of desperation she treats him badly. In response, it's almost inevitable that he leaves her. This maneuvre delivers an upside-down means of controlling her own feelings. Tricky ain't it!
What she doesn't realize is that it is indeed her own feelings that are being projected onto him. His actual reaction to this event may be quite different than hers. He has his own history of psychological triggers that may or may not include issues with abandonment.
(And if he doesn't have these fears, he'll be totally perplexed and likely wonder where she's coming from...and you know where this is going...it's just like throwing gas on the abandonment fire.)
Just so you know, unless abandonment issues are resolved (or until you learn better ways to respond) these feelings will arise in all your close relationships.
The reason these feelings are so strong is that these right-brain-based implicit "ways of responding" were learned at a time when physical survival itself was at stake - that is, in the first few years of life.
What the child learns in the early years gets ingrained in a way that is difficult to access as an adult. Yet, it is often only through our adult relationships that these feelings of abandonment are resolved.
Abandonment issues can be resolved
Feelings of abandonment can be worked through in a loving relationship with a partner who understands. However, what's critically important is that these fears be communicated and owned by you.
It doesn't necessarily mean that your partner must change his or her behaviour. But through his or her loving care and understanding you can begin to resolve these fears. You resolve them by experiencing something different.
In other words, your fears might come up but you aren't left behind. Repeatedly over time, your brain will learn to trust your partner and you will experience less fear in the events and interactions of your relationship.
This process can take years however and because our fears in relationships can undermine a solid foundation, some folks proactively work them out in counseling. This is often the best option - working them out before they reach a crisis when therapeutic interventions are less effective.
And, because these patterned responses are ingrained implicitly, they don't easily lend themselves to left-brain based talk therapies alone. This is why it's so important to have right-brain-based strategies in your psychotherapy. Right brain based interventions are experienced.