TRilobite and Lonewolf - thank you for your encouraging and heartfelt replies.
I would like to share another reply from a friend from another board regarding "our obsession" (not being facetious) with this matter.
He wrote in part:If I understand you correctly, you appear to have a problem with JW’s who no longer believe, but stay in the religion for fear of loosing ties to family, friends or business contacts.
You consider a significant number of these folks to be liars, hypocrites, guilty of leading a double life, and lingering in a religion in which they no longer believe.
For the sake of argument, lets assume that your analysis is correct.
Why do care that a significant number of Jehovah’s Witnesses are under performers? Why do you continue to look backward at the organization you’ve already left behind? Why are you concerned that many JW’s don’t aspire to the same rigid standards that you and your family set for yourselves, when you counted yourselves as “good Jehovah’s Witness”?
If you’re getting the general impression that I no longer care about Jehovah’s Witnesses belief system and am especially unconcerned about how much or how little faith the average Jehovah’s Witness has, your right. The question I have for you is…why do you, still?
Look, I suspect that you and I are not that different in some ways. I’ve been conditioned to look at issues in black or white as well.
If someone wanted to get really pointed, they might ask of those who are not disassociated, disfellowshiped or written a letter of resignation, “Why haven’t you removed yourself totally from the stench of being a Jehovah’s Witness”?
GWB just declared, “If you’re not with us, you’re with the terrorists”. Should we feel any differently about separating ourselves from Jehovah’s Witnesses? When it comes to the organization, shouldn’t we, all of us, take a clearly defined stand, one way or the other?
My wife replied:good questions! Why DO I care? Well, I like to think I really don't care, but some aspects of the religion still haunt me.
I have only been "out" for a little over one year. After being in over 35 years, it's taking me sometime to process a lot of my feelings about my involvement, and of course all the different things that contributed to my daughter's death.
It is mainly the aspects of the religion that contributed to her death that I am most concerned with. Due to the fact that I was not given much information from the elders that met with her the day before she died, and the fact that the elders through intimidation prevented most of the young jws and others to reveal information about what was going on prior to her death, I still have at times nagging questions as to what really went on.
I am very prone to take as much responsibility for her death as I can. One question I ask myself is if I had gone along with most of the parents in the local congregation, in aiding my child to lead a double life, would she still be alive today?
This is why I am asking for help in thinking through this moral dilemma. At the time, I honestly didn't see the "rules", especially for young folks, to be unrealistic. Mostly because I was able to follow them when I was a teenager with no great difficulty, so I didn't feel bad about asking my child to live up to standards I was wholeheartedly willing to do myself.
But, after her death, it was like all the parents that did encourage living a double life, had the elder's blessings to point the finger at me and say "see you were too strict, no one really expects you to live your life fully according to the societies recommendations".
Correct me if I am wrong, however, I have noticed an attitude among some ex-jws or those jws that are disillusioned with the society, that since the borg. is corrupt, and not the "truth", it's okay to remain affiliated but live your own private life as you see fit.
Even if we were talking about another organization, company, or personal relationship, this basic moral question still intrigues me. For example, if you are unhappy with how the country is spending your tax dollars, can you then cheat on your taxes? If your boss unfairly passes you up for a promotion, does that justify your stealing from the company? If your wife is no longer fulfilling your "needs", does that give you the right to go out on her behind her back? It's the same basic question to me. If you think the borg. is wrong, is it morally correct to lead a double life but still hang around for the other "benefits"?
I understand your view on those of us that have not chosen to formally disassociate ourselves. For me, this is very different from those that go to the meetings, out in service, and give a false impression that they are still members. There is no question that I am no longer a member, and no longer live according to their rules. For me to go back, and talk to the elders about my personal reasons for leaving, would be like me bending over the conference table and handing them a jar of petroleum jelly...for one final session of spiritual sodomy! No thanks!
I admit I wish I could walk away and never think again about these *. I am sure it's my daughter's death and it's connection to the borg. that keeps haunting me.
Respectfully,
Sabine
This is an on-going journey for us - and we have found a lot of good information and support in understanding what we and others are going through. It is not our intent to judge anyone on their personal decision whether to leave the org or hang on for any number of reasons. Thanks for listening, reading and replying.
Best wishes to all!
Makena