Posts by SafeAtHome

118

Question for the men

by SafeAtHome in

i'd like the input of the guys, maybe some of you who have been married or in a serious relationship for some time.

if you were having an affair and your wife found out about it, would you want her to tell you she knew?

would it serve a purpose, that is, make you end the affair, or on the other hand, push it over the edge to be with the other person?

Thanks for the additional comments. AGuest, you gave me much food for thought. You know, I have been dropping hints you could drive a car through, but he is either clueless, or continues to think I am clueless. That's the thing, finding a way to let him know I know without a confrontation.

jamiebowers, you sound like what my friend said. a,b, and c are all so true. Hey, I think I'm going to meet you when you guys all get together on August 27 in Akron.

One of the hardest things is I have to time this right so our daughter is not home when this all hits the fan. She would go ballistic and I can't handle that on top of everything.

FHN, your mom sounds like a take charge woman!

118

Question for the men

by SafeAtHome in

i'd like the input of the guys, maybe some of you who have been married or in a serious relationship for some time.

if you were having an affair and your wife found out about it, would you want her to tell you she knew?

would it serve a purpose, that is, make you end the affair, or on the other hand, push it over the edge to be with the other person?

SafeAtHome

mrsjones5: I feel like I have just been given a giant hug. Thank You

118

Question for the men

by SafeAtHome in

i'd like the input of the guys, maybe some of you who have been married or in a serious relationship for some time.

if you were having an affair and your wife found out about it, would you want her to tell you she knew?

would it serve a purpose, that is, make you end the affair, or on the other hand, push it over the edge to be with the other person?

SafeAtHome

I want to thank everyone who responded. This was my first thread and it was overwhelming, everyone who cared enough to help. When something like this happens, it really helps to talk it through and get feedback from those outside the situation. As I mentioned, I have told only one close friend about this, and that, only because she is in a position to observe first hand. I didn't want to blab to friends or family and do damage that could not be taken back.

My husband is a good man, the last person in the world, anyone who knows him, would think to be found in this situation. People respect and think highly of his character. I have always been proud of him and he has been close to and loved by my family (even the JW's). I don't want to rush ahead out of hurt feelings and destroy that. So, for now, I am going to continue to say nothing and act as if all is normal. I honestly do not believe it has become physical. From what my friend tells me of this other person, it will indeed run its course after she gets what she is after. Unfortunately, I have found evidence that it may be of a financial nature -- and that really ticks me off, but, oh well. My friend was completely taken aback about the idea of my husband, but not the woman. Apparently he is not the only male she has charmed to her advantage.

In the meantime, I will continue to be alert to certain things so that if it does indeed come to a showdown or has progressed to the point where it can no longer be tolerated, I will have given him enough rope to hang himself. From many of your comments, I have seen where I need to improve, where I have let the relationship grow stale and routine. I have to be the best I can be to work on his conscience and make him feel guilty everytime he does something that involves her. I also feel a boatload better, having found out that after the number of years invested in our marriage, I am legally entitled to half his retirement and social security!!! I will be upbeat and positive--a mopey, surly personality is attractive to no one. I will strive to withhold sarcasm...that will be the hardest part.

I will keep you updated. I have a feeling that if something major happens it will be in the next few weeks (when the bills come in). Thank you so much for your comments--except for one "lame"comment that was hurtful, you have all been appreciated.

118

Question for the men

by SafeAtHome in

i'd like the input of the guys, maybe some of you who have been married or in a serious relationship for some time.

if you were having an affair and your wife found out about it, would you want her to tell you she knew?

would it serve a purpose, that is, make you end the affair, or on the other hand, push it over the edge to be with the other person?

SafeAtHome

You are all so insightful.

elderelite, you've given me so much to think about. I knew it would help to have a man's viewpoint.

FlyingHighNow, I will look for the Reader's Digest. Thank you everyone, I feel I have so many new friends.

118

Question for the men

by SafeAtHome in

i'd like the input of the guys, maybe some of you who have been married or in a serious relationship for some time.

if you were having an affair and your wife found out about it, would you want her to tell you she knew?

would it serve a purpose, that is, make you end the affair, or on the other hand, push it over the edge to be with the other person?

SafeAtHome

shamus100, second smile of the day. You guys are a crazy bunch!

FlyinghighNow: My first husband (a JW) also cheated on me. My spouses 1st wife cheated on him. We found each other a little later in life, but it has now been 26 years. I know after that time things can get dull and routine, but what is it about men that they won't bring it up or talk about anything important? They easily get sucked in by someone younger who may be up for all the flattery BS, but that's not the real world. We were (are) a compatible match, we have a history, a daughter, family, etc. I really do think this is repairable, but I just don't know how to appraoch him about it. Like, how do I open the conversation without him becoming immediately defensive? I have talked about this with no one, except one person, who is close enough to observe and monitor things and has been a close friend for decades. That's why I reached out to all of you. It's easier to be anonymous like this, besides, this way I can get input and not broadcast to everyone we know what is going on. How is that? He is the one hurting me, yet I am protecting him and his reputation with all our friends and family? Typical woman, heh?

118

Question for the men

by SafeAtHome in

i'd like the input of the guys, maybe some of you who have been married or in a serious relationship for some time.

if you were having an affair and your wife found out about it, would you want her to tell you she knew?

would it serve a purpose, that is, make you end the affair, or on the other hand, push it over the edge to be with the other person?

SafeAtHome

Again, thanks for the input. If I were 30 years younger I could take the advice to confront it and move on. But, we are a few years from retirement and I keep seeing myself as a lonely old woman in a one room apartment with her cats. If anything, I am as much angry of the situation as I am hurt. I just see our "golden years" going down the toilet. However, I do agree it has to be confronted at some point. I am just biding my time until I feel it is no longer tolerable for my health or state of mind, or until I can find a little more out about how far things have gone. You guys have been wonderful to bounce this off of.

118

Question for the men

by SafeAtHome in

i'd like the input of the guys, maybe some of you who have been married or in a serious relationship for some time.

if you were having an affair and your wife found out about it, would you want her to tell you she knew?

would it serve a purpose, that is, make you end the affair, or on the other hand, push it over the edge to be with the other person?

SafeAtHome

cantleave my first smile in many days! Thank you

118

Question for the men

by SafeAtHome in

i'd like the input of the guys, maybe some of you who have been married or in a serious relationship for some time.

if you were having an affair and your wife found out about it, would you want her to tell you she knew?

would it serve a purpose, that is, make you end the affair, or on the other hand, push it over the edge to be with the other person?

SafeAtHome

Thanks guys, you make good points. PSacramento, you're right, no one should be OK with the person being loving with anyone else.

sizemik: "Either it gets repaired or you move on". That is where the fear is, what will happen when it is confronted. There are 26 years invested in the relationship.

118

Question for the men

by SafeAtHome in

i'd like the input of the guys, maybe some of you who have been married or in a serious relationship for some time.

if you were having an affair and your wife found out about it, would you want her to tell you she knew?

would it serve a purpose, that is, make you end the affair, or on the other hand, push it over the edge to be with the other person?

SafeAtHome

I'd like the input of the guys, maybe some of you who have been married or in a serious relationship for some time. If you were having an affair and your wife found out about it, would you want her to tell you she knew? Would it serve a purpose, that is, make you end the affair, or on the other hand, push it over the edge to be with the other person? Speaking of affairs, if it is an " intense emotional" affair, not yet physical, what is the liklyhood it would go no further and run it's course, or would telling him push it to the physical level? Thanks for the input.

18

Why do exJW family members not reach out to other exJW family members?

by truthseeker in

jw
friends

i don't know if this strange phenomenon is unique to my family but it seems that those who have left the truth have little to no interest in reaching out to those family members who have also left the religion.. it seems topsy turvy to me.

surely, there would be common ground and mutual support for those leaving/have left but this does not seem to be the case.. does anyone else have this problem?.

SafeAtHome

You might put it down to the mindset we had while we were in, that is, always feeling you had to "rat" someone out who you suspected of anything. Maybe those who have left are leery that if they say or do too much, even within the family, it may come back to bite them later. It would also depend on how close the family was previously. My family, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, were all very close. We are separated now by miles as well as differences of opinions. I have always been close with my sister who was the 1st to leave, long ago, and have recently become extremely close to a younger cousin who is no longer in. We email almost everyday and get together occasionally. He recently said how fantastic it was that we have gotten close because it is nice to have someone to talk to about all the crap that no one else (unless they were former JWs) would understand. He knows his brother and SIL recently had issues with the Witnesses, but is not sure of their status. I don't know why he is reluctant to come out and ask him, although his brother is the type to tell things like it is. He was never a strict Witness anyway, so I don't think asking would hurt, but I don't know, I really think it is the mindset that was "inculcated" (I hate that word) into us. It really should be something to bring us together, this feeling of freedom and escape, and as you say, common ground.