Posts by justwantohelp

13

How do I help my best friend who just told me he is gay?

by justwantohelp in

a little background for you.... my best friend (a 44 year old baptised jw with a wife & 2 preteen boys) told me a few days ago that he is gay.

to me, not a big deal as i am also.

but, he is so tormented by this with regard to his relationship with god.

How do I help my best friend who just told me he is gay?

by justwantohelp in

a little background for you.... my best friend (a 44 year old baptised jw with a wife & 2 preteen boys) told me a few days ago that he is gay.

to me, not a big deal as i am also.

but, he is so tormented by this with regard to his relationship with god.

justwantohelp

I meant to say...

"What tangled webs we mortals weave..."

13

How do I help my best friend who just told me he is gay?

by justwantohelp in

a little background for you.... my best friend (a 44 year old baptised jw with a wife & 2 preteen boys) told me a few days ago that he is gay.

to me, not a big deal as i am also.

but, he is so tormented by this with regard to his relationship with god.

I know that he is in a very precarious situation with regards to his "family" and his "society" (ie: congregational) life. I believe he knows this too, hence his current torment and depression. I have gently suggested that he seek professional help. While I am compassionate, I am NOT a professional psychologist - far from it.

I am only interested in his well being and that of his family too. I know that his situation has the potential of getting very, very messy based on what little I have learned about the JW's stance on homosexuality.

I am more than a bit perplexed by him. While I know he does not have a lot of formal education, I know him to be intelligent. He has a strong sense of right and wrong, good and evil. I know him to be a loving father and a good provider for them. I also know him to be hard working and as honest (to me) as the day is long. I cannot, however, understand his inability to be honest with himself and his wife. I do not judge him and never have expressed this duality - with regards to his honesty - to him. I see no positive point in doing so. I feel that he is beating himself up enough as it is, and if that is not enough, I feel confident that the JW's in general will be more than happy to do so. Am I enabling him by not doing so? What is the official JW stand on seeking professional help? Does the congregation or do the church elders have to know?

The more I learn about JW beliefs, the more I understand why he is so tormented! I am actively seeking a professional for him to see near his home in Mexico. From my perspective I feel that he NEEDS to get some professional help as soon as possible. Having said that, I'm not quite sure how to facilitate this. I can only suggest that he seek help. I cannot force him to do so. I feel that this is a crucial step at this point in his "crisis" but also do not want him to feel added pressure from me or anyone else at the same time.

I think private counceling would be the best place for him to begin. To be thrown into a (another) group setting could be counterproductive at this moment. Any thoughts on this?

ProdigalSon: thanks

nugget: thanks to you too, although I must say, I was already aware. This is why I am trying to help him!

Again, I truly appreciate all of your comments and input.

13

How do I help my best friend who just told me he is gay?

by justwantohelp in

a little background for you.... my best friend (a 44 year old baptised jw with a wife & 2 preteen boys) told me a few days ago that he is gay.

to me, not a big deal as i am also.

but, he is so tormented by this with regard to his relationship with god.

justwantohelp

Thank you all for responding.

jgnat: I am not building a relationship with a married man. He is my friend. I love him as such, but have no interest in having a "relationship" with him, other than the buisness arrangement we have and the friendship we have cultivated over the years. I would never get involved with him or anyone else in an intimate way knowing they have a significant other... male or female.

pirata: He says that he had not had any gay sexual experiences until after he was married. We have not talked about if he was supressing his sexuality at the time of his marrage.

DesirousOfChange: Thank you for the message.

Freetosee: There are support groups here in the US, however he is not able to cross the border. I don't know if there are any in Mexico.

Yes, I know this is complicated. That is why I'm asking for help. I know his wife and children and suspect that she has some idea of his orientation but I do not know this with any certainty. I too am concerned for his family as well as for him. As I have said, he is not only my friend, but also my business partner. I have no concern for the business with regard to his or my sexual orientation. I suggested that he take as much time (off) as necessary and he knows that I will support him in whatever decision he makes. When we spoke briefly about this today he asked me for my thoughts... I reassured him that he has my friendship, no matter what. I also told him that I could not imagine that God, who is LOVE and created us in his image would expect his own creations to live without love.

I truly appreciate your comments and suggestions. Thank you for offering them in the spirit of compassion. After all, isn't that what it's all about? Thanks again.

13

How do I help my best friend who just told me he is gay?

by justwantohelp in

a little background for you.... my best friend (a 44 year old baptised jw with a wife & 2 preteen boys) told me a few days ago that he is gay.

to me, not a big deal as i am also.

but, he is so tormented by this with regard to his relationship with god.

justwantohelp

A little background for you...

My best friend (a 44 year old baptised JW with a wife & 2 preteen boys) told me a few days ago that he is gay. To me, not a big deal as I am also. BUT, he is so tormented by this with regard to his relationship with God. He says he has had relations (gay sex) and in the past, but we never talked about this.

I am not "out" to anyone close to me who is alive (I told one of my siblings prior to his death). Correction: After his admission, I did tell him about me, and he was shocked! I am not partnered. I was married as a young man and lost my wife and son in childbirth. I am not obvious nor is he. We had never talked about religion prior to this, much less, homosexuality.

We started a business together several months ago, so I see him almost every day. The business was my idea and I continue to work my "9 to 5" job. When I told him that I was going to launch this project, I asked if he knew of anyone who might be interested in working for me. Long story made short: he quit his job to come work with me and although we struggle a bit as any new business does, we are making progress.

After long and tearful talks about sexuality and religion and his current conflict, I began to search out information on the internet. While I believe in God, I do not practice any formal religion. (Raised Roman Catholic, but haven't attended mass in decades.) He has expressed that if not for his conflict and his children, he would leave the congregation. Yet I can see that it is very ingrained in him and wish I could offer some help. I can also see that this is tearing him apart emotionally and spiritually.

While I knew that he was a JW, we never discussed religion until now. I see that he is very depressed and now understand some of his conflict as I begin to research the JW society and beliefs.

Does anyone have any suggestions about how I proceed in helping him? I don't want to offend him in any way. Are there support groups within the church? He is more than a little shy about asking for help. I am not, so, PLEASE HELP! Obviously he is not ready to leave the JW's at this time.

Thanks

P.S. The project is in Mexico near the US border and he lives there (Mexico) too. He only speaks a little bit of English and I am fluent in Spanish.