MoodyBlue

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Posts by MoodyBlue

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  22

  Visiting a KH...

  by ianao in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  a 'friend' of mine keeps telling me that everything i am reading here on this board is a packload of lies from people who have no respect for god.. he also tells me that if i would just go to the kh for once, that i would see for myself that jws are not the bad people that they are portrayed to be.. while i have my own convictions about this subject, i was curious to know what others' opinions would be on the fruitfullness of taking up this man's offer and going to the kh to see for myself.

  so, what do you think?

  what should i watch out for?

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  MoodyBlue

  Ianao,

  (btw I'm not an optimist either;P)

  All I can add is personal observations and comments. I went to the KH last night because I didn't want to fight with my husband about it. Though I made it clear I didn not want to be there, all it did was re-enforce to him that I still "had faith in the truth." It didn't matter how much I protested- my coming was enough.

  During the meeting, a local needs part was given on "is the truth becoming burdensome." The elder giving it said that it becomes burdensome if there is too much else in your life. That because the fds "is appointed by Jehovah and Jesus is the head of them, all of our meetings and schedule is approved and expected from Jehovah"

  The rest of the meeting was "pioneer, pioneer, pioneer." It just happens to be the new CO's visit, and all he preached about was more service.

  There was the "we are separate from the world" quotes mostly given by a crooked elder my husband works for (that's not hypocritical is it??) and the usual things covered at the meetings.

  During the meeting I felt evil and decietful, after it I felt confused and doubtful. All that was going through my head were what if's. And they haven't stopped since. I told my husband point blank, I did not want to be a witness. I told him I have doubts that have destroyed my faith. I told him I want to be selfish, and I don't want to live for Jehovah. I told him nowhere in the bible did I see 5 meetings a week as a must. I told him I didn't want to go out in service, and I certainly didn't want to pioneer. I told him that I didn't see how a god that expected willing devotion would be please that I went so begrudgingly. I told him I when I prayed, I felt like I was praying to the wall. I told him I didn't WANT to live forever anyway.

  You know what I got in response?? That I was imperfect, and that my depression causes me to say these things. That since I've been so negative my whole life, of course I was going to feel this way. That Jehovah was happy with me because I attended even though I didn't want to. That I didn't want to live forever in THIS system. That our marriage will get stronger if we are just regular in attendance. That I will have friends if we just start getting to more meetings and out in service. That he loved me, and was thankful I came.

  Now, ianao, our situations aren't the same. But all i know is that after going last night, i am even more lost than before. The what if's and the " u are falling into satan's trap" got louder.

  Going only prolongs the agony, so if u don't want to go to the KH- DON'T.
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  58

  Living A Lie

  by MoodyBlue in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i am sick of living a lie, yet afraid to change it.

  married to a man who refuses to listen, who would rather plug his ears and shout "nooooooo" is taking it's tole.

  i am afraid to speak my mind about my doubt, my thoughts, and what i'm learning, as i'm not ready to cross that point of no return.

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  MoodyBlue

  i don't think fear is a payoff... but i stay where i am because i want my husband to see the truth about the truth. i stay because i do not know where to go. i stay because i owe tens of thousands of dollars to the govt. i stay because i am in love. i stay because i want this to be the truth. i stay because i feel without my husband i have no one. i stay because although i am lost, i feel secure in his arms. i stay because i have quit everything i've ever done in my life. i stay because i am scared. i stay because i tried to leave once before and couldn't handle life without mr blue. i stay because i don't know what to do besides what i am doing now. i stay because i keep hoping for some insight and help. i stay because i don't want to be shunned. i stay because i don't have any faith in anything out there. i stay because for now, that's all i can do.
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  58

  Living A Lie

  by MoodyBlue in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i am sick of living a lie, yet afraid to change it.

  married to a man who refuses to listen, who would rather plug his ears and shout "nooooooo" is taking it's tole.

  i am afraid to speak my mind about my doubt, my thoughts, and what i'm learning, as i'm not ready to cross that point of no return.

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  MoodyBlue

  I've been thru the therapy route before. I was forced to stop because we needed money, and I had to go back to work. I've attempted suicide twice, that's what landed me in therapy in the first place. Did i feel it benefitted- Absolutely. Do I have access to it now- No.

  See, I DON'T have anyone to talk to This f*cking computer is all the therapy I have right now. Chill out is easy to say, not so easy to do. Family provided support at first, but now thinks I should either put up, or leave. They don't want to hear me whining (a quote from my mother) and so I don't whine.

  So i suppose i should just put up or shut up.
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  58

  Living A Lie

  by MoodyBlue in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i am sick of living a lie, yet afraid to change it.

  married to a man who refuses to listen, who would rather plug his ears and shout "nooooooo" is taking it's tole.

  i am afraid to speak my mind about my doubt, my thoughts, and what i'm learning, as i'm not ready to cross that point of no return.

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  MoodyBlue

  Being young doesn't afford me any comfort. What good is it to be young and dread the life ahead of u? I don't want this life, and dammit, I didn't ask for it either. I don't get what the purpose is, and am sick of hearing how I'll find it. Nobody has the answers... Instead we all sit here, searching, while some god sits up on his throne playing puppets. Is this some sort of cruel joke? An experiement to see how much we can f*ck up our lives? Cuz I'm already off to a great start.

  If there is a god, I'm really angry with him. If he loves us all so much, and has a purpose for our existence, why is it such a big mystery. Is it fun to watch us stumble around miserable questionning our very existence??

  I know, I know, it's my attitude that's the problem right? Well dammit, I'm angry and this god that may or may not be there doesn't give a sh*t.

  I've barely begun, and I'm tired. I'm tired of this feeling inside of me. I'm tired of the infinate unknowns out there. I'm tired of life.
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  8

  Another sleepless night

  by MoodyBlue in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i seem to have the posting bug now that i've broken the ice:).

  sigh, another sleepness night, racked (wracked??

  ) with guilt and anxiety.

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  MoodyBlue

  Claudia,

  He knows I have doubts, and I've told him I don't know that I want to be a witness anymore. But the thing is, when I tell him the doubts, we argue, and nothing gets resolved. Plus, there is so much I'm learning, but of course to him it would be apostate, and he wouldn't hear it. I'm trying to slowly make him think... bombarding him with stuff will only make things worse...

  But, I'm not always able to give excuses, and still go to meetings with him sometimes...i feel like i'm so sneaky and such a hypocrite...
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  8

  Another sleepless night

  by MoodyBlue in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i seem to have the posting bug now that i've broken the ice:).

  sigh, another sleepness night, racked (wracked??

  ) with guilt and anxiety.

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  MoodyBlue

  I seem to have the posting bug now that I've broken the ice:)

  Sigh, another sleepness night, racked (wracked??) with guilt and anxiety. I lay there watching Mr Blue sleeping so peacefully, wishing in some odd way, that I still was as ignorant as he is. He cares so much for me, yet it is in a conditional way that I don't think he even realizes. What I wouldn't give to be rid of these awful feelings that sit in the pit of my stomach, and eat away at my peace of mind...My soul is crying, and I can't seem to comfort it.

  Edited by - MoodyBlue on 16 January 2001 10:28:48
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  58

  Living A Lie

  by MoodyBlue in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i am sick of living a lie, yet afraid to change it.

  married to a man who refuses to listen, who would rather plug his ears and shout "nooooooo" is taking it's tole.

  i am afraid to speak my mind about my doubt, my thoughts, and what i'm learning, as i'm not ready to cross that point of no return.

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  MoodyBlue

  I was in my third year of university when I met "Mr. Blue." Thing was, I just didn't want to be there. I was smart enough, and didn't have to work hard for good grades, but I had no desire and no clue what I wanted to do. I was also diagnosed with severe depression, and was battling a disease I knew nothing about. Mr. Blue was my light at the end of the tunnel. Here he was, the man of my dreams, who had paradise to offer me as well! It was just the excuse I was looking for to quit school.

  Two years later, things aren't so simple, and paradise seems pretty far fetched. My fear of it being too good to be true seems to have been based on common sense. BUT, man, do I want it to be true. Though I don't know exactly WHAT I'd do if I lived forever, or if I'd even LIKE it... who wouldn't want perfection in paradise??

  So, yes, I know I'm still a baby, and have lots of life yet to live. But that doesn't change where I am now... and it just makes it scarier wondering where I'll be in 5 years...
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  28

  Things said from the platform

  by MoodyBlue in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i recalled something said a while back by an elder during a service meeting a while back.

  i beleive it was a local needs part on getting out in service.

  basically what he said was this:.

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  MoodyBlue

  I recalled something said a while back by an elder during a service meeting a while back. I beleive it was a local needs part on getting out in service. Basically what he said was this:

  - Jehovah expects us to go out in the door to door ministry even if we hate it or are not good at it. He expects us to make sacrifices. It would be improper of us to say to Jehovah that we loved him, but didn't like going house to house, so we'd just do business territory or phone witnessing. Being a witness means u should be active in all avenues of service, not just the ones you find comfortable.-

  Immediately I got my guard up. It seemed absolutely ludicrous to me that we should HAVE to do all kinds of service, regardless of our comfort level or ability. Why on earth, if one excels at something or likes it more, shouldn't he or she concentrate on doing that to serve Jehovah?? If u are good at something and u LIKE it, arne't u more apt to be a little more productive??

  What is with this whole service thing? Why isn't it a pleasure to serve Jehovah? Well, apart from the fact that an organization makes the rules... But it just boggles my mind some of the things ssaid from the platform or in comments.

  Other examples that touched a nerve:

  " You don't need to have special circumstances to pioneer- u need to have special circumstances NOT to pioneer"

  " Everyone in Jehovah's organization should want to pioneer."

  " Studying the bible with the aid of christian publications will bring u closer to Jehovah."

  Then there's the married elder who, from the platform, calls his wife "Sister so&so." Buddy- SHE'S YOUR WIFE NOT YOUR SISTER!!

  There's being guilt tripped to make all the meetings as they are provisions from Jehovah thru the faithful and discreet slave...

  Anyway, it's not like my husband gets these pet peeves of mine, so I'm sharing them here:)
  Hope u don't mind
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  58

  Living A Lie

  by MoodyBlue in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i am sick of living a lie, yet afraid to change it.

  married to a man who refuses to listen, who would rather plug his ears and shout "nooooooo" is taking it's tole.

  i am afraid to speak my mind about my doubt, my thoughts, and what i'm learning, as i'm not ready to cross that point of no return.

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  2. 
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  MoodyBlue

  Wow... thank you all for your kind and insightful advice. Lots to think about and ponder. I will stay on the DB and keep u all posted. Never know, I might even have something of insight to give someone else:)

  LOL, I don't know much by the Moody Blues- they were a little before my time(I'm only 22) It was actually a good online friend who posts here that helped me pick out this name. It describes me to a "T."
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  58

  Living A Lie

  by MoodyBlue in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i am sick of living a lie, yet afraid to change it.

  married to a man who refuses to listen, who would rather plug his ears and shout "nooooooo" is taking it's tole.

  i am afraid to speak my mind about my doubt, my thoughts, and what i'm learning, as i'm not ready to cross that point of no return.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  MoodyBlue

  I am sick of living a lie, yet afraid to change it. Married to a man who refuses to listen, who would rather plug his ears and shout "nooooooo" is taking it's tole. I am afraid to speak my mind about my doubt, my thoughts, and what I'm learning, as I'm not ready to cross that point of no return. Where would I go? WHo would I turn to? What would i have in my life.

  The "what if's" drive me crazy, keep me up at nights. What if I'm wrong in thinking this way, and really AM being suckered by Satan. What if I'm making a mistake? What if it IS the truth and I'm too stupid to see it.

  Fact is, I don't know what this world has to offer me. Don't know what I'd do WITHOUT my husband. Cuz it's him that I live for, it's him i go to meetings for. I have lost myself in this mess of a life, and it's no one's fault but my own.

  I thought i was making the right decisions, when i chose to marry him, leave school and be a jdub. But, now, I wonder if it was only another escape.

  I know that it is all up to me. But I don't want this life, and don't want to have to make decisons for me. So instead, i sit here complaining about it, but not yet willing to change it.

  Sigh, would love to have all the answers like "God" does...