some years ago, i visited a hypnotist in an effort to stop chewing my nails.
the habit had become so ingrained that i didn't even know when i was doing it.
well, i was a wiliing patient, and the lady hypnotist led me down into a beautiful imaginery garden, filled with flowers and birds where i could be at peace.
Hey W aiting, thanks for ordering my book...by the way ...remember what you wrote before you start reading my book:
"Your childhood has been validated by your family, the police, the elders, your father. Your father blamed everyone else, but the asshole still admitted it."
You'll know why as you get into my memoir. Wouldn't want to spoil the story...
some years ago, i visited a hypnotist in an effort to stop chewing my nails.
the habit had become so ingrained that i didn't even know when i was doing it.
well, i was a wiliing patient, and the lady hypnotist led me down into a beautiful imaginery garden, filled with flowers and birds where i could be at peace.
Not sure if you were counting me on that Waiting, but thanks. People who have not experienced it cannot fathom the degree in which the mind can block out trauma. I did and didn't even believe I could.
some years ago, i visited a hypnotist in an effort to stop chewing my nails.
the habit had become so ingrained that i didn't even know when i was doing it.
well, i was a wiliing patient, and the lady hypnotist led me down into a beautiful imaginery garden, filled with flowers and birds where i could be at peace.
I definitely repressed my memories and write about it in my book, Father's Touch. I hope my experience will help people realize repressing memories is a reality for many victims of sexual abuse.
Chapter 1
......Ive raised a thousand excuses why I shouldnt visit the past. Many of them originated with well-meaning friends and acquaintances.
Forget the past. Look ahead, not behind. With time youll forget.
But is it possible to forget the past? And if so, is forgetting the healthiest course?
I have recollections of events, of dreams that never lie, of written evidence that the past did indeed occur. For the most part, I experience my past through a series of flashbacks, phenomena that occur frequently. They permeate all facets of my life: a walk in the country, a sound, a smell, or a voice triggering the movie reels in my mind. Instantly, and without warning, Im returned into a familiar incident or scene, back to a time and place far away. Lasting anywhere from seconds, minutes, to even an hour, flashbacks can be interrupted by present-day activity, yet resumed without breaking their rhythms. I have learned to control their duration by creating diversions.
Because I am not connected to their reality, they seem foreign to meas though I am experiencing someone elses memories. At times, these flashbacks paralyze, shock, frighten, or sadden me. Sometimes they make me laugh. Only a trained and knowing eye can see through my controlled exterior. The Donald I was in my life with Father is alien to me and alive only in my flashbacks. The world surrounding me assumes any public disclosure translates into a personal reality. However, in my case nothing could be further from the truth. The more I speak or write about my family history, the more unreal it becomes. Those listening to or reading my words may well experience an emotional response to my story I can only envy.
Chapter 7
.....Ronny remembers a horrific incident. I remember an innocent game. Yet each incident was so unsettling that we both left ourselves in order to carry out Fathers instructions.
When faced with overwhelming trauma, a child may resort to going away within his or her own mind. By this dissociation process, traumatic experiences, thoughts, feelings and perceptions can be separated psychologically, allowing the victim to function as if the trauma had never occurred. The childs personality is in part developed in response to the conflict.
Chapter 26 [this excerpt shows some victims repress, others not]
Youre feeling emotions? Marina, none of this is real to me. Its like a live dream!
What are you talking about? Its all real to me. I have all these memories and you know what? I can never live a normal life.
Chapter 24
Our human subconscious has no sense of time, so reliving an ancient trauma can be as fresh and raw as if it had happened yesterday. For people who have experienced such devastation in their lives, blocking out memories may be a necessary, and often repeated, survival tactic. All the material Ive read and the countless survivors Ive spoken to concur: blocking out memories is common. An equally common reaction is questioning our own memories.
During a traumatic experience, a person may dissociate the circumstances surrounding the incident from his ongoing memory, hence avoiding the resulting fear and pain. Unfortunately, this action also affects ones sense of personal history and identity.
I have used this survival method successfully, having blanked out events through a conscious decision to will them out of my emotional data bank. However, when someone is successful at disconnecting from his history, current behavior that is irrational or conditions that are disturbing, such as insomnia, phobias, nightmares, seem to descend from nowhere. Reality blurs with fiction. One begins to question ones own sanity.
In the severest cases, long-term childhood trauma may lead to a condition known as Multiple Personality Disorder, also referred to as Dissociative Identity Disorder. In such extreme cases, repeated dissociation may result in the creation of separate entities, or mental states, which take on identities of their own. My dissociation did not reach that extreme continuum of severity.
Unfortunately, survivors who are as successful at blocking out their demons as I was, are often labeled healthy and rewarded with encouragement for their amazing recovery, while those who experience ongoing difficulties dealing with memories often find limited support. Our society rewards controlled, acceptable behavior and is less prepared to support victims who require ongoing assistance.
This is never more evident than in sectarian faiths. Those whose progress is limited are labeled spiritually weak. Those who can detach and act in ways that fulfill their faiths expectations will find support and rewards for their apparent success.
Chapter 25
....In my bed that night, the peace of sleep eludes me. Am I really going to charge my father with something that isnt real to me? Life with Daniel seemed to last an eternity, but I cannot remember my fathers face, how he felt, or the sound of his voice. I wished that I could force him out of my mind. And I did.
But why are the home-movie reels in my mind so vivid? How do I conjure up such images and yet feel nothing? It happened to my other self. I know it did.
.
a few of us will be in vegas in december ( 4th, 5th and 6th) who wants to meet up?
?
Maurice and I will be flying to Vegas a week from this Thursday. Us Vegas virgins can't wait!!!
i recently was told by a couple of elders how much they "missed" me since i am no longer an elder.
i got to thinking , "did i miss anything because i'm not an elder?".
i have to say that i really can't think of anything that i truly miss.
Hi Blondie,
I said I missed dying for something...I didn't say it was the organization. I believed in Jehovah enough that I would have died for Him, no question about it. So I meant I missed dying for a cause that involved a higher power.
I've been taking care of myself for 18 years now and I'm happy with my life now.
I think Minimus asked a very good question. If there are some on this board that miss certain things about the Witnesses, they're not wrong. They're human. Feelings are one thing that can not be legislated. People shouldn't be judged for their honest responses. [not that I think you were judging me Blondie. Just want people to feel like there is no right or wrong answer here!]
i recently was told by a couple of elders how much they "missed" me since i am no longer an elder.
i got to thinking , "did i miss anything because i'm not an elder?".
i have to say that i really can't think of anything that i truly miss.
I miss being so sure of something, I'd die for it.
I miss having a faith.
Not enough, mind you.
last night, after my post regarding ray franz comments of bill bowen's posted statements, i received a good number of email and phone calls.
one item consistently surfaced regarding ray's assignment to write the chapter in the book, organization for kingdom preaching and disciple-making, by the title of safeguarding the cleanness of the congregation.
in the chapter, the "two witness" rule was outlined.
I don't think it's out of the realm of possibility that a Witness might not comment or discuss sexual abuse over a period of 40 years...of course, I'm prejudiced by my story.
Consider this small part of my book...this is what I wrote about a time period immediately after our sexual abuse case goes public...meaning people outside the congregation know about it (while many in the congregation have known about it for 8 years at this point) in 1981...
Take it for what it's worth...
Father's Touch, Chapter 28
.....Reinforced by these kind gestures and convincing myself I should conduct my life as if nothing had happened, a couple of days later I nervously drive my family to our first religious meeting since the press release. We enter and sit quietly. No one mentions it. No one in the entire congregation tells us that they care. No one says they will pray for us. It feels as if I am living in the twilight zone, as if nothing has happened. Are we being shunned because of Fathers sin?
Or are they scared as hell of our circumstances? Do they not know how to act? I hoped that they would support our courage. I just wanted people to understand why we are different from everyone else and that it isnt our fault.
How predictable. I have been raised to live as though nothing happened and when the truth finally comes out, the majority of people behave as if nothing happened.
Copyright, Father's Touch, Donald D'Haene 2002
i think she was the one who gave up a tv career in favor of being a jw.
confirmed on yahoo news:.
thu oct 10,10:24 am et.
Just read it in the paper up here in London, Canada. I remember her on Laugh In and Get Christie Love. It was really something to me, a Witness boy, that this star became a Witness. I remember talking about it and grownups would say, "Don't make a big deal about it. She's just like anyone else. Look how modest she is in the magazine." Even so, I still thought it was something else...one of the stars of my make believe world becoming "one of us". She was an early role model in my books. Sorry to hear of her tragic death....
first off, let me express that bill bowen would not know me from any stranger on the street.
i have never spoken with him, or have i ever corresponded with him.
the only information that i have of him is what i have read of him on this forum and on silentlambs.org.
Advising anyone to not put all their trust in any one man or organization? I see that as a healthy suggestion.
My siblings and I have talked about this for years...we support victims period. We DO NOT focus on JWS, Catholic victims, etc., etc. One reporter after reading my book asked me, "It probably happened because you were a Witness. That's probably why it was worse as well." I answered, "Bullshit. I've known several Catholic victims of abuse who have been suicidal, in jail, on drugs. You name it."
Anyone who says to my siblings or I...If you don't support us in (this or that), we can't talk to you, or you can't belong, we say, "Bye bye." Been there. Done that.
We're free spirits.
I also look up to few men...Nelson Mendela, Ghandi, Martin Luther King, people like that...but I don't worship them or expect them to be perfect role models either. Anybody can talk the talk, but how many walk the walk?
hi donald
i just finished reading your book a few minutes ago.
i feel a special interest mostly because of the same religious background and the way you describe the elders etc.
Hi Tammy, glad you got the book and like the style so far. You might be interested in this. This reviewer just posted this on Blether and Catholic and Christian Book Reviews
Father's Touch
by Donald D'Haene
Category: Non-fiction / Autobiography
340 pages; ISBN: 1589821122
Rating: 10/10 The Blether Gold Award. A truly exceptional read, the finest example of a genre, a book with which the reviewer can find no fault, and which will usually have universal appeal.
Reviewer: Kathryn Lively
Review
I finished this book weeks ago, and now I am finally sitting down to write the review. The delay in this turnover cannot be entirely attributed to my schedule, I must admit, for book reviews come easy to me. Reviewing Father's Touch, Donald D'Haene's memoir of growing up as a first generation Canadian to Belgian immigrants, has been one of the most difficult things I have had to do. It is not because I disliked the story; as you might suspect, my delay concerns mainly the actual subject matter of the story. This is no ordinary memoir.
True-life stories of sexual abuse at the hands of parents are not very populous in the published world, and there is a part of me that wishes books like Father's Touch and Sue William Silverman's Because I Remember Terror, Father, I Remember You (reviewed elsewhere) did not have to be written, that the authors did not have to be subjected to the terror that inspired such work. On the flip side, one must commend D'Haene for his courage and his decision to share his story, if only to serve as a reminder that abuse does happen and that inaction among others does not erase the problem.
Donald D'Haene and his siblings were first generation Canadians, born to Belgian parents who crossed the Atlantic for the promise of a new life in a new world. Yet for the matron D'Haene there was little solace in a marriage where her husband had established control soon after exchanging vows. When Daniel D'Haene decided to join the Jehovah's Witnesses, the family came along with no questions asked. As the family grew, so expanded the senior D'Haene's tyrrany, which would eventually manifest itself in unsavory activities with his children, including one in particular Donald called "The Game."
Throughout much of his childhood, Donald and his siblings were unwilling participants in The Game. It was not until the refusal of the youngest child to be initiated into these secret rituals that Donald's mother learned of the abuse. Subsequent reports to Kingdom's Hall resulted in investigations, disfellowship for Daniel and much harrumphing, but little action beyond that. Never during the course of the abuse and the time thereafter (during which the D'Haenes divorced and Donald moved his mother and siblings elsewhere) was the family informed that legal action could be taken against Daniel D'Haene. When the elder D'Haene finally was accused, the end result for the adult Donald was a botched case and a sentence that hardly befitted the crime of many years of sexual and psychological abuse.
Father's Touch angered me, as well it should have. This is a story written in parts, beginning in the present where Donald and a companion travel back to the places of his childhood. Vivid memories of fellow parishoners - now strangers - and former homes segue vividly into D'Haene's flashback narration, which features somebody D'Haene refers to as "the Other Donald," the numbed self the real Donald left to the mercy of his father to withstand the abuse. Reading Father's Touch, I could not help but wonder how common this phenomenon is among sexually abused youth (Silverman, in her memoir, writes of "Dina," an identity associated with her own experiences).
D'Haene writes honestly, and shows great skill for detail and narrative. Father's Touch is a raw, emotional story of survival, coming to terms with a traumatic past and moving beyond for a better present.
