I definitely repressed my memories and write about it in my book, Father's Touch. I hope my experience will help people realize repressing memories is a reality for many victims of sexual abuse.
Chapter 1
......Ive raised a thousand excuses why I shouldnt visit the past. Many of them originated with well-meaning friends and acquaintances.
Forget the past. Look ahead, not behind. With time youll forget.
But is it possible to forget the past? And if so, is forgetting the healthiest course?
I have recollections of events, of dreams that never lie, of written evidence that the past did indeed occur. For the most part, I experience my past through a series of flashbacks, phenomena that occur frequently. They permeate all facets of my life: a walk in the country, a sound, a smell, or a voice triggering the movie reels in my mind. Instantly, and without warning, Im returned into a familiar incident or scene, back to a time and place far away. Lasting anywhere from seconds, minutes, to even an hour, flashbacks can be interrupted by present-day activity, yet resumed without breaking their rhythms. I have learned to control their duration by creating diversions.
Because I am not connected to their reality, they seem foreign to meas though I am experiencing someone elses memories. At times, these flashbacks paralyze, shock, frighten, or sadden me. Sometimes they make me laugh. Only a trained and knowing eye can see through my controlled exterior. The Donald I was in my life with Father is alien to me and alive only in my flashbacks. The world surrounding me assumes any public disclosure translates into a personal reality. However, in my case nothing could be further from the truth. The more I speak or write about my family history, the more unreal it becomes. Those listening to or reading my words may well experience an emotional response to my story I can only envy.
Chapter 7
.....Ronny remembers a horrific incident. I remember an innocent game. Yet each incident was so unsettling that we both left ourselves in order to carry out Fathers instructions.
When faced with overwhelming trauma, a child may resort to going away within his or her own mind. By this dissociation process, traumatic experiences, thoughts, feelings and perceptions can be separated psychologically, allowing the victim to function as if the trauma had never occurred. The childs personality is in part developed in response to the conflict.
Chapter 26 [this excerpt shows some victims repress, others not]
Youre feeling emotions? Marina, none of this is real to me. Its like a live dream!
What are you talking about? Its all real to me. I have all these memories and you know what? I can never live a normal life.
Chapter 24
Our human subconscious has no sense of time, so reliving an ancient trauma can be as fresh and raw as if it had happened yesterday. For people who have experienced such devastation in their lives, blocking out memories may be a necessary, and often repeated, survival tactic. All the material Ive read and the countless survivors Ive spoken to concur: blocking out memories is common. An equally common reaction is questioning our own memories.
During a traumatic experience, a person may dissociate the circumstances surrounding the incident from his ongoing memory, hence avoiding the resulting fear and pain. Unfortunately, this action also affects ones sense of personal history and identity.
I have used this survival method successfully, having blanked out events through a conscious decision to will them out of my emotional data bank. However, when someone is successful at disconnecting from his history, current behavior that is irrational or conditions that are disturbing, such as insomnia, phobias, nightmares, seem to descend from nowhere. Reality blurs with fiction. One begins to question ones own sanity.
In the severest cases, long-term childhood trauma may lead to a condition known as Multiple Personality Disorder, also referred to as Dissociative Identity Disorder. In such extreme cases, repeated dissociation may result in the creation of separate entities, or mental states, which take on identities of their own. My dissociation did not reach that extreme continuum of severity.
Unfortunately, survivors who are as successful at blocking out their demons as I was, are often labeled healthy and rewarded with encouragement for their amazing recovery, while those who experience ongoing difficulties dealing with memories often find limited support. Our society rewards controlled, acceptable behavior and is less prepared to support victims who require ongoing assistance.
This is never more evident than in sectarian faiths. Those whose progress is limited are labeled spiritually weak. Those who can detach and act in ways that fulfill their faiths expectations will find support and rewards for their apparent success.
Chapter 25
....In my bed that night, the peace of sleep eludes me. Am I really going to charge my father with something that isnt real to me? Life with Daniel seemed to last an eternity, but I cannot remember my fathers face, how he felt, or the sound of his voice. I wished that I could force him out of my mind. And I did.
But why are the home-movie reels in my mind so vivid? How do I conjure up such images and yet feel nothing? It happened to my other self. I know it did.