Each victim of sexual abuse must make a lot of individual choices in their life. To remain silent or to disclose. To pursue charges or not. To sue or not sue. My siblings and I chose our own path and we make no apologies for our decisions. Nor do we judge others who choose any of the above courses of action. Yet, someone recently asked me if I would consider suing the Elders/WT Society for not reporting the abuse to the authorities. In my family's sitation in the 70's, the Elders did not instruct my mother (or my siblings or I) not to report it. The point is : It never came up; it was never a consideration. On the other hand, I'm sure they thought my mother was an idiot on some level for not reporting the SIN to them earlier-- and just glad they're families were protected because of the eminent disfellowshipping. Yet we now know, that isn't correct! Molesters are a danger to the public and no disfellowshipping will stop a serial molester! Nevertheless, I wouldn't sue in a million years! I have no interest in that! Once you read my book, you'll realize who couldn't I sue? Where would I stop? Other than monetary gain, what would be the point? For me, there is no point. I have a whole different life now. I think it would be very unfortunate that possibly readers of my book, because of personal hatefilled agendas, might blame Witness Elders above and beyond the responsiblity of the real monster, the molester. [In fact, my father has fooled many people into believing he abused only BECAUSE he was a Witness! Talk about scapegoats!] Work to change laws? Yes. Educate Elders? Yes. Would I like an apology? Yes. But that apology is not necessary for me to have a level of happiness today. It would give me some sense of closure and that would be nice. But who knows, after those Elders read my book, maybe one of them might feel a tinge of guilt/remorse, and God forbid, express regrets to my family. That, my friends, would be reward in itself. After the former life I had, maybe it's incredible that I could have such a pollyanah-ish view of life, but that too is an individual's choice. Donald
morrisamb
JoinedPosts by morrisamb
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Should I sue the Elders/WT Society (! or ?)
by morrisamb ineach victim of sexual abuse must make a lot of individual choices in their life.
to remain silent or to disclose.
to pursue charges or not.
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Toronto Review of Father's Touch
by morrisamb inxtra aug 8/2002
when happiness is a miracle...
by jim bartley
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morrisamb
Thanks Waiting. The great thing about time is that it distances you from events, gives you perspective. I couldn't have written this book when I was twenty or even at thirty. At 20 it would have read like Polyanna; at 30, like Raging Bull.
Now education is a great motivating factor in my writing my memoir. Just within the last 24 hours, I read in the paper of a grandfather [non-Witness] of 58 who had molested his grand-daughter in '98, becoming a repeat offender and just being sentenced to house arrest + told to avoid contact with children under 14 for several years; I heard a relative of my father's fourth wife telling me, she heard from my father that my mother was a "loose" woman during their marriage; I read a positive review of my book that ended with a shot at the Witnesses and not at the perpetrator.
There is much work to be done.
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Toronto Review of Father's Touch
by morrisamb inxtra aug 8/2002
when happiness is a miracle...
by jim bartley
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morrisamb
Hi mouthy, thanks for the support. You were right in your first post. Morriamb is donald. It's a take off on silentlamb and the fact my partner's name is Maurice.
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Toronto Review of Father's Touch
by morrisamb inxtra aug 8/2002
when happiness is a miracle...
by jim bartley
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morrisamb
Thanks for your support and kind words, Mimilly. Very much appreciated!
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Toronto Review of Father's Touch
by morrisamb inxtra aug 8/2002
when happiness is a miracle...
by jim bartley
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morrisamb
XTRA AUG 8/2002 When Happiness is a Miracle... By Jim Bartley Writer and actor Donald D'Haene lives with his partner, Maurice, in London, Ontario. "I'm almost 40, there's no mid-life crisis. I'm loved by a caring partner and my life is rich with family and friends. Life has never been better." Flashback to 1966. A sunday morning. A house on a rural hillside. Donald's Papa calls down from an upstairs room: "Wife, send Donald up with my breakfast." When the boy arrives, he discovers something he's never experienced: a completely naked, adult human body. He stares at his father's hard stick. He's ordered to wrap his hand around it, then to," push up and down, up and down until I tell you to stop." His Mama's voice calls up from the kitchen warning they will be late for church. Papa quickly finishes the job himself. White cream spurts on to white tissue. Donald is four years old. Inevitably, he is sworn to secrecy. His father, Daniel, will continue to abuse Donald until he is well into his teens, drawing his sister and two brothers into The Game as well, with a c ombination of bribes, threats and beatings. Donald D'Haene has had mulitple crosses to bare. Aside from the tyranny of a predatory father, he's also a recovering Jehovah's Witness, subject for decades to the judgements and manipulations of Witness Elders, always men, who knew of his abuse early on but consistently put the church's image ahead of real attempts to correct the problem. In the D'Haene household, church was a thrice-weekly duty. Mama cooked and cleaned and sang gospel songs. She adored her kids and they returned the affection in kind. Papa was cold and distant, focused on religious studies and visiting Witnesses who came to discuss matters of faith. In and around the small farming town of Aylmer, Ontario, the family shifted from rented house to rented house:14 of them before Donald reached the age of 16. "Papa moved us so much because he was running, running from people who might have suspected him." The more D'Haene reveals, the more clear it becomes that his mother was in a state of inslavement. From the day of their wedding, Papa Daniel flirts with other women and made it clear to Jeannette that h is rule over her would be absolute. Her early challenges to him were met with beatings. She became a housebound recluse who barely spoke English and was afraid to use the telephone. Transgressions by the children meant a beating from Papa with the Biblical rod. The saving grace was his shift work at a factory which sometimes kept him away from the house for four or five days at a time. For Mama and her brood it was holiday time. They could almost forget Dad existed. By the time Donald was twelve, The Game included his brother, Ronny and sister, Marina. One day Daniel tried to initiate five-year-old Erik. The boy instantly ran and tattled to his mother. "Papa wants me to play with his pee pee." The first ever disclosure to oblivious Mama. She's bewildered, then devestated, raging at Daniel through her tears with a barage of accusations. The force of her horror and anger, the first she's ever had the courage to show, makes Daniel agree to get treatment. It's an empty promise. Things return to normal because Mama's fear that the secret will get out is even stronger than her revolsion. Finally brother Ronny spills the whole story to the church fathers. Donald and his siblings are interviewed by a panel of Elders. Daniel is disfellowshipped, Jeannette is reprimanded for failing to report the abuse, and the whole family is ordered to continue attending services while the other parishioners are required to shun them as if they are invisable. D'Haene's story raises the gamut of emotions. I bounced between contempt for his pathetic and shrewdly manipulative father, amazement at the deep denial of his mother, bewilderment at the psychological straitjacket Witness Elders could impose on their flock and finally a growing respect for D'Haene's courage in grappling with a waking nightmare lasting twenty years. If any readers doubt the lingering damage such childhood can cause, this book will end those doubts with its sheer weight of candid evidence. D'Haene bears not just family secrets but his own failings and pecediloes, the many things he might have done differently. Eventually Daniel was arrested for his crimes. In a plea bargain he was convicted on less than half the charges and sentenced to two years in reformatory. D'Haene valuminous quoting of court transcripts somewhat dilutes the book's closing drama but leaves no doubt about the extent of his maltreatment. As tormented as his family was, the courts proved to be only another series of blows. That Donald D'Haene has found his happiness seems almost a mircacle and Jehovah's patriarchs had nothing to do with it.
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morrisamb
Innocent until proven guilty...
I have absolutely no talent in the kitchen or in decorating but I think she is a genious.
When I watch her show (seldom as that may be) I feel like I'm watching a comedy. Especially the one with her air-conditioned chicken coop painted just the right colour!I saw a show in Toronto five years ago, something about 32 different Martha Stewarts or something. It was quite funny and they ripped her apart.
I still don't dislike her and I hope she is proven innocent.
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Morrisamb
by Monster inman i just part of your story.
first i want to say now i remember why i thought you were female.
i am still in the frame of mind that sexual abuse happens to females.
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morrisamb
Why, you are a clever guy James!
I posted my molester's letter on my web site and wondered how readers would react to such a rare glimpse into an abuser's mind. You've hit all the right points! Pretty good for a newbie!! (Ha, ha)
I do want to point out one thing (by the way, thanks for the hug - right back at you)..he didn't commit homosexual acts with us kids. It's sexual abuse, molestation, incest, paedophilia acts, (whatever you want to call it) but homosexual acts refers to conscenting adults of the same sex. We all were between 3 and 15...hardly conscenting!
I write about what it was like in my book...one day, he screwing us, and then he get's born again the next, and we MUST FORGIVE HIM. Actually forgiving never came up. He was going to heaven; we were going to hell. That was in '76. His letter was written in 2002. He hasn't changed much, has he? The only reason he became born again that time (he's been reborn several times since), was because he found out we were going to leave him...well, for that story you'll find it in the book.
Also how we managed surviving can be found in the book, and I thank you for your concern. Hopefully my journey will give strength to all those victims out there but also provide an education for sympathetic people such as yourself.
I really appreciate your kind words and concern. Very thoughtful of you. Oh, and to order my book check out this link below.... [[[[[[[[James]]]]]]
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ladies/gentlemen..Give me your take on this
by Monster inladies i know i shouldn't really hit on this because i have no real understanding of what you go through when you are raped.
i just want to try and understand some of what is going on.
let me ask this q. do you believe that the elders do not want to report the rapes or they are told they cannot report the rapes from the gb?
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morrisamb
Hi James, (and thanks Mimilly for clarifying my sex!)
Thanks for your comments. I think this board is an interesting place to make connections. The fact it is run by Simon is big plus...He's fair to the posters and is as honest as they get when he posts himself.
Mimilly mentioned my book. Instead of reposting my story, just click on www.fatherstouch.com and you'll find my story.
Take care....
Edited by - morrisamb on 6 August 2002 22:13:3
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ladies/gentlemen..Give me your take on this
by Monster inladies i know i shouldn't really hit on this because i have no real understanding of what you go through when you are raped.
i just want to try and understand some of what is going on.
let me ask this q. do you believe that the elders do not want to report the rapes or they are told they cannot report the rapes from the gb?
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morrisamb
Thank you so much minilly and right back at you...
you know, this is an interesting thread..I too have dated a victim before..one of the things that people don't realize is that victims are as different from each other as are people who haven't been abused/raped. We're all different colours and we have positive and negative traits. We'll all human.
The fact that two people may share this experience in common does not necessarily make for a healthy relationship...or a great beginning. It can be intimacy for the wrong reasons, if you know what I mean.
I'm not saying it can't work...I'm just saying I need a vacation from it once and a while and the fact that my partner has not experienced this is not a bad thing in my case.
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ladies/gentlemen..Give me your take on this
by Monster inladies i know i shouldn't really hit on this because i have no real understanding of what you go through when you are raped.
i just want to try and understand some of what is going on.
let me ask this q. do you believe that the elders do not want to report the rapes or they are told they cannot report the rapes from the gb?
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morrisamb
Mimilly, so sorry you had to exerience so much abuse!!
Even though I am very detached from my experiences there are things that are beyond my control: ie. flashbacks and the fact I HATE BEING TOUCHED FROM BEHIND. By anyone, including my partner. Unless you've been there, it's impossible to truly understand. I have learned not to expect people to understand, but I do appreciate it when they try.