Posts by msil

96

Email to my Dad on the UN / Prison Stories

by msil in

jw
friends

ok......it has taken me lots of soul searching to put this post up (it contains some facts i dont really feel all that comfortable putting up).

but i will try and leave out here for as long as i can.. it is an email i have sent to my dad.

it is a followup - he has some of the info on the un already.

Major Internet Security Breach! (My System)

by Amazing in

jw
friends

normally, i get security alerts!

everyday, but my system makes a simple side note, and i clear it.

usually i get 20 to 30 per day, and some days 65 or 70, most of which are minor 'unused port blocking," and some few are "hacking" and a few more are "sub-seven trojans".

msil

Amazing my firewall has not been hit once today......you must be the fallguy.

96

Email to my Dad on the UN / Prison Stories

by msil in

jw
friends

ok......it has taken me lots of soul searching to put this post up (it contains some facts i dont really feel all that comfortable putting up).

but i will try and leave out here for as long as i can.. it is an email i have sent to my dad.

it is a followup - he has some of the info on the un already.

msil

Thanks for all the posts and emails of support (as well as all the hugs). I really appeciate all of you for your kindness.

I will try and respond to some of the posts and questions.

Bridgette, RedhorseWoman, slipnslidemaster, Nathan Natas and Hillary_Step
thank you for the kind words. I have not had a response back from my Dad. Frankly, I am not sure I will. I have spoken with him and he and my Mom do not hold this against me at all. They continue to be as loving as ever.

Mommy
Yes sometimes it is not the easiest thing to understand when it comes to speaking with our families about the real truth. As many here know I have drifted over and find myself in the Agnostics. This means I have no "pleasing alternative" for them. Some might take the position that "truth is everything". While that is theoretically true it is not always emotionally or pragmatically true. Who wants to find themselves in their seventies having devoted most of a lifetime to building "your own world" - in which all your friends are JWs as well as your mental framework? Do we pull them out? Ok, now what? They have no friends and they are confused - probably unhappy. If they are happy I am content to leave them alone - especially if my answer cannot provide a workable alternative.

Zev
Thanks for the kind words. I know you have crosses of your own to bear and if I can ever make that load lighter please let me know.

Pandora
You wrote: "I fight back tears reading your words. We have all been through what WE call hell. But your words make many of us realize that our own hell is not nearly as bad as what you call your life. "

Actually in one way I take issue with that. Please don’t take this the wrong way - it is not directed at you personally but it is conceptual. I have alluded to that in other posts. I call the issue "minimization". What you did was minimize your experience by way of comparison. Pandora, please don't do this. Your experiences are your reality. They are not minimal in comparison with anyone else’s. I know your comment was made with the best possible intent and I truly appreciate that; but using bad experiences such as mine to minimize anyone else’s will not truly enable someone else to say "I am being silly". Doing so will only make you feel worse in the long run. I respect whatever you might have been through, Pandora. Your experiences are what has shaped your current reality. If you minimize them you will effectively minimize your reality. You are every bit as important as anyone else as is your life experience.

Actually I am not the epitome of strength. People who suffer senseless abuse require far more strength than I needed. When I underwent the experiences it was "for a reason". Having a purpose makes negative experiences much easier to deal with. Incrementally, when one believes the Creator of the universe has a vested interest its also easier. Now that the reasons I did it have been betrayed or a re no longer valid would make it infinitely harder if i had to do it again. You refer to this so well and I really appreciate the encouraging words. Don't mind the "waxing philosophical" - I have been known to enjoy the abstract and theoretical far more than I should have. My parents will be fine. I have other family who might not be in the future.

California Sunshine
Thanks for the kind words. I love your name. I don't know how deep the scars are.....I am sure they are there but I just do not trust a shrink inside my head. Education has been the way I have tried to combat this - although I have never completed high school I try to read everything I can ever get my hands on.

Sieg's Wife
Thanks. Leaving prison is a lot like leaving the Borg. You have date where you walk out......but mentally you stay in for years. I have not left the Borg yet.

Tina
I think if Simon ever runs a "hug count" on the forum you will be among the leaders for the most hugs dished out. I know you have also had a hard time, Tina and I respect the way you always so open - even if it gets you hurt sometimes. If more people did that we would be richer for it.

Miner
Yes.....I am angry too. I am angry at the double standard. In a way I feel like the Vietnam veterans who returned and felt betrayed and sold out. It would be easier if the society ADMITS to the wrong and APOLOGIZES for it. But I will wait and see. If they try to rationalize it away (because admitting you are wrong has consequences you don't like - legal and moral) I will be very angry.....my voice would have meant nothing if I had done differently.

Andee
Thanks for the kindness. Yeah, sometimes when I get stuck in traffic now I think back and I savor it. Enjoy your freedom it is precious.

LoneWolf
I am sorry your brothers and your family (everyone suffers not just the person who is incarcerated) have been betrayed by the actions of the organization. How many years of happiness did we sacrifice for what? How many others endured beatings and lost their lives – for what? Because “we are Jehovah’s Witnesses and we are neutral”!! We made that claim to all the world.

Now when we do not want to “render Caesars things to Caesar” as we tell everyone else….we just fornicate with the Wild Beat. If the Bible is right, Jesus will say “get away from me you workers of lawlessness”; “you are from your father the devil ……when he speaks the lie he speaks according to his own disposition…..he is the father of the lie”.

Does the society only look out for their “own disposition”? Or do they seek the truth they claim they do?

Thanks for continuing to find the truth, LoneWolf.

Outnfree
Thanks for your sympathetic words. If my experience is encouraging I am pleased for that but please refer to what I wrote to Pandora. Your experience means equally as much.

Ana
You have been a friend to me from the first time I ever came to this forum. I know a few snippets of your story and our souls have touched – thank you for all you have shared with me in this way.

Please don’t cry. You have so much to offer to the world. I thank you for sharing your soul with me – it means so much.

April
I have found so much encouragement in your posts. I would much rather go through what I did than endure what you had to. Your strength is an inspiration to me. You had no purpose to your suffering…. that’s much harder to endure.

At the present time I have found peace in a temporary place of refuge. I am on shaky ground from the perspective of my long term future as I have family to consider (none of my close family do not even know I come here). I am sure the consequences will be dire for them and myself if it is ever discovered. But if that happens or if they try to hurt my family in any way at all I will fight back – the betrayal is not without a consequence.

Prisca
You were the first friend I made on this forum. You have continued to be until this day. Your story is sad, Prisca. I know that you seek happiness and fulfillment – I am sure they are in line for you.

Nelly
Thanks for making me laugh yesterday. I needed laughter and you pulled through for me. Your cheerful spirit always brings a smile to me.

Neyank
You and I totally agree. I have taken issue with the neutrality issue ever since alternate service became “new light”. Prior to that it was an automatic disassociation. I had friends who chose that course……they were not automatically admitted back after the “new light” came out. They were held out “for running ahead”.

Only a select few are allowed to see the new light first. If someone else sees it first and acts accordingly they will be castaway. Perhaps my interpretation is all wrong.

Joelbear
Thanks for some of the kind words we have shared on other posts. I know your life has had many bumps in the road, Joel. For privacy reasons I cannot disclose the country this occurred in – I am sorry.

96

Email to my Dad on the UN / Prison Stories

by msil in

jw
friends

ok......it has taken me lots of soul searching to put this post up (it contains some facts i dont really feel all that comfortable putting up).

but i will try and leave out here for as long as i can.. it is an email i have sent to my dad.

it is a followup - he has some of the info on the un already.

msil

Scruffy

He was a white mixed-breed. A stray castaway, just like me. He was mans best friend - for a little while at least.

I worked on a rotating kitchen duty for a while. No one was ever allowed to be kept in the same work for long - no matter if you enjoyed it or not. One of the duties I had was garbage disposal. This involved pushing carts of garbage outside of the main area to where they could be picked up by the trucks. I was assigned this task for 3 weeks. (I was excited since it would mean I would be able to glimpse outside - see something new).

I had an armed guard escort me in performing of this task. (He was a kind person and after I left we remained friends for a few years). as we go to the area there was a stray dog....still a puppy trying to scavenge some food for his hungry belly. He wagged his tail when he saw me and I smiled at him (sorry I am a tree hugger). I emptied the garbage into the outside disposal and started to push the bin back inside the gates. The dog ran up to me......and without letting the guard notice....I slipped the puppy inside of the bin I was pushing.

Scruffy, was indeed that!!! I bathed him and got rid of some of the parasites who made his life miserable. I gave him some of my food at every meal....and his became healthy as a result. The guards, funnily enough, would all pat him and he would make them smile with his antics. He was a joy to all.

One of the other brothers also had a dog....a female. As Scruffy grew he developed the instinct to do what all male dogs do....want female dogs!! We tried our best to keep them apart but on one occassion Scruffy and Mimi danced and were seen by one of those "taking the lead".

"MSIL, come quick, it's Scruffy!!", called one of my cell mates. I ran down to the bathrooms. Scruffy lay bleeding from his castration...he was in a lot of pain.

"We do it that way for all farm animals", said the brother with the knife in his hand. I lunged at him and I knocked him off his feet. His face was now bleeding fater than my poor dog's stomach. I kicked him in the ribs and by that time I was pulled off and escorted to solitary confinement (where I would spend the next week).

I never saw Scruffy again. But about half an hour after the incident I did hear the gunshot that finally took my friend.

7

Meaning - coping

by msil in

pick up the newspaper.. go to the obituary section.

follow the steps below.

step 1 ok - look at just the names (don't read the words) - just the names.

msil

Intro,

Thanks for the response. You make some very valid points. Showing emotion appropriate to a situation is key. The question comes down to "what is appropriate"? It is for this reason that one needs to learn to attach the right level/degree of meaning one has to any event.

There are sometimes some exceptions though. Anyone who has been traumatized might learn to attach less meaning simply as a protection mechanism. It is common for people in siutations with PTSD to almost appear delusionary to reality.....while unhealthy and definitely scary...the only way to help such ones is to use mental imagery and associative pegging to areas where the meaning the person attaches is known. It's kind of like building synapses.....if that helps to explain it....we keep helping them to make new associations based on known ones....and we help them to attach meaning to the intermediary ones until we reach the desired outcome along the spectrum of the full event.

Yeah.....I am mumbo jumbo.....but as someone who never finished high school I have had to be self-educating and never stop reading so as to understand the world around me and to understand myself.

Using self-speak (since we all speak to oursleves internall - that is how we attach meaning to any invent though) one can actually talk oneself up or down by changing meaning. The more of the 5 senses you use to do such a thing the better you are able to shift states. Everyone does this to various degrees and to totally honest some people who understand this science are capable of using it on others and they can be very helpful to others whoi struggle with inner demons or they can be destructive.

When such ones use this tool (by the way it is called Neuro Linguistic Programming - as is obviously evident from the name) they can help you reach balance (yeah I know it sounds fake - but its not....our reality is based on the state we are in - change that state .......by means of the associative meaning....and our reality can be changed.....perception and reality are truly the same thing in this respect.)

I regret to say I urge extreme caution in this, some people who have tried this themselves end up "totally messed up". Also some professional practioners have their own distorted views of where the balance should be or they have their own agenda. Those with their own agenda, in my opinion, are dangerous. Without wanting to sound like some of the other demon-obsessed people I have seen here lately I define these people as "totally evil". Some of them I have found in the organization (amateur) and there are some on the board (amateur and professional) who will use this powerful tool to the detriment of others.

HOC ETIAM TRANSIBIT

Sincerely,
MSIL

96

Email to my Dad on the UN / Prison Stories

by msil in

jw
friends

ok......it has taken me lots of soul searching to put this post up (it contains some facts i dont really feel all that comfortable putting up).

but i will try and leave out here for as long as i can.. it is an email i have sent to my dad.

it is a followup - he has some of the info on the un already.

msil

Last one for today....

A Taste of Freedom.

Ever had your freedom taken away from you? There is no worse feeling in life. Dealing with death is easier for me than that feeling.

Our cells were locked sometimes. It made no difference. Around the prison was a 20 foot metal wall....on top of that were a few miles of razor wire. Our bathrooms were in the middle of a courtyard.

About a week into my sentence, a brother named John approached me. He was a very kind person. He gave me my first taste of freedom.

It was about 7pm and it was getting dark outside. John went to the bathroom and climed up the bars on the outside of the building and pulled himself up on the roof and then lay down. I followed and ducked for cover on the top of the roof as well.

"look there", John said, and pointed to the freeway on the other side of the prison wall.

LIGHTS....Red tail lights and white headlights in rows - Traffic!!!

As we lay there I was free. I was in the traffic. I was everyone of those drivers going home at the end of the day to be with my family! It was glorious!! Every light was a light oh hope to me. I knew that one day I would be able to go home to my family too.

96

Email to my Dad on the UN / Prison Stories

by msil in

jw
friends

ok......it has taken me lots of soul searching to put this post up (it contains some facts i dont really feel all that comfortable putting up).

but i will try and leave out here for as long as i can.. it is an email i have sent to my dad.

it is a followup - he has some of the info on the un already.

msil

Blue.....he does not know the stories about "the inside". I did not want my parents to worry about me.

Thanks for the response. I really hope that your sister will see that this is much larger than anyone gives credit for.

Sincerely,
MSIL

96

Email to my Dad on the UN / Prison Stories

by msil in

jw
friends

ok......it has taken me lots of soul searching to put this post up (it contains some facts i dont really feel all that comfortable putting up).

but i will try and leave out here for as long as i can.. it is an email i have sent to my dad.

it is a followup - he has some of the info on the un already.

msil

I was 16 when I went to prison.

My second night there I was with a brother....and another one came and said they wanted to show me something. Being new and curious...I followed into the cell block. We went into a type of hallway....it was badly lit.

As I got to the middle of the room people stepped out from the shadows...pushed a chair towards me and told me to be seated. There mus hve been 20 of them. I recognized some of them (all the "brothers" were housed together).

As I sat down one of them came to wards me and said to me:

"You are on trial. Sit up." Having being sentenced the day before and already in the prison I knew something was going to happen. The person then said to me: "you are charged with being green".

"Green?" I asked.

"Yes, Green!!" he stormed and proceeded to kick out the chair from under me sending me sprawling into the slate floor. I recognized him then. He was one of the brothers "taking the lead". He was 21, I was 16.

"What are you doing" I asked "what's going on?"

He said "you are found GUILTY as charged...you are Green." As he said that someone from behind me threw a blanket over my head and others pulled it down and held it fast. The blanket was wet.

I do not know how many times I was hit that night. I was dragged over to the showers and left there....bleeding from my right eye, nose and my mouth.

I do not reacall much more....of what happened that night.

The next morning I was in line for food....I received my food and walked over to get a slice of bread (it was always in a separate basket). The "judge" was on the other side of the basket. He said to me: "....welcome to XXXXXXX congregation!".

I thanked him and went to eat with the brothers. I was never able to do that to the other brothers who came in after me.

7

Meaning - coping

by msil in

pick up the newspaper.. go to the obituary section.

follow the steps below.

step 1 ok - look at just the names (don't read the words) - just the names.

msil

Thanks for caring Mango.

I appreciate your kindness...it means a lot.

Sincerely,
MSIL

7

Meaning - coping

by msil in

pick up the newspaper.. go to the obituary section.

follow the steps below.

step 1 ok - look at just the names (don't read the words) - just the names.

msil

The past few days have been tough.....

I have not been able to "bring down the meaning" I associate with some events lately. Some of them have been very intense....but I try hard not to close up - I always tell everyone to lean on me even though I am probably much softer inside than most.

When you love someone you allow yourself to get hurt. Someone I love very dearly has been hurting and I have not figured out how to desensitize myself when people I love are hurting - because I don't want to. That person's pain is really bad right now and I only hope I am strong enough to be totally supporting of whatever happens. My love is not something I can "turn down" for the person - even though it might hurt me in the end. But I will be there regardless!!