Posts by nevaagain

8

couples therapy

by zeb in

jw
friends

i have often wished i knew better words to give here when i see couples 'bleeding'.

1. avoid letting the children take over your lives.

although you need to love and care for your children in the very best ways that you can, it’s also important that they don’t dominate your entire relationship.. children are an important part of your relationship.

nevaagain

Thank you for the advice. "Communication is the key to a thriving relationship" I second that!
But why is it that one mate always has a problem with the listening or the communication part?

Also I could another thing to the list. Don't take and it personally and don't seek revenge on your partner. Sometimes our partner does something and unbeknownst to him it hurts us. Don't take it personally, maybe he didn't do it on purpose and also don't try to hurt the partner as well. Instead talk to your partner to find out what his/her motivation was.

A recently married JW couple told me a story that just recently had happaned and it sparked a heated argument between them. Husband says to his wife:"Is it okay if I go to this work event today, there is one colleague in particular which is only here once per week and I have to discuss some work related stuff with him as well. I know we have family worship planned, but maybe we could move it to tomorrow". Wife agrees but not whole heartedly. Husbands goes out and ignores the mixed signals. Wife sends angry messages to husband saying he is not a good husband because he ignores family worship. After the event ended, husbands comes home but wife is not home. Husband tries to call wife, but wife does not pick up the phone. Out of revenge the wife planned also a thing with friends and didn't tell the husband that she will be home even later that evening and didn't even want to tell the husband. So husband is worried now, what happaned to the wife.

So what happaned? Wife didn't want her husband to leave because she felt lonely, instead blamed family worship for it. Husband thought that if family worship is the problem, we can always move it to a different date. The wife didn't communicate her problem properly, maybe if she did, the husband would have stayed home or if the work event was so important, he could have done something so his wife would have felt less lonely at home.

I think most marrital problems only surface because of lack of communication.

That is the same reason my marriage collapsed.
Why is it so hard?!?!?!

15

convention rooming dept

by Darryl in

jw
friends

so this past weekend i took my girlfriend and my boys on a little weekend getaway.

we stayed in a hotel and early sunday morning i went out for some starbucks.

when i returned and called the elevator it arrived, the doors opened and inside waiting to come out was a nice lady with that all too familiar badge on her lapel.

nevaagain

Darryl not sure if someone can answer that question for you. I have never encountered or have never been offered a parking pass to buy. Either the convention side is owned by the society and probably has his own parking space which is free. Or the convention side is a stadium and for the good spots (under the stadium) you either have a have a special needs card to park there or your work at the convention demands that you have to have a parking spot near by. What we often were offered where tickets for public transit. But those were at the same price like if we would have bought them directly from the company.

15

convention rooming dept

by Darryl in

jw
friends

so this past weekend i took my girlfriend and my boys on a little weekend getaway.

we stayed in a hotel and early sunday morning i went out for some starbucks.

when i returned and called the elevator it arrived, the doors opened and inside waiting to come out was a nice lady with that all too familiar badge on her lapel.

nevaagain

The only reason that the society tells you to only book from those specific lists its because it will get free rooms for bethelite / governing body members, thats what I got told from an elder as the reason why we should always book only from the list and mention the convention, regardless if we find a cheaper price online.

19

Your opinion about dating sites?

by nevaagain in

jw
friends

i have been a jw all my life, while i also have a "spiritual divorce", which means i can remarry a jw again.

i am not sure if i want to go that route again and dating in the jw world feels like a struggle sometimes.

with all the rules.

nevaagain

Thats the issue here, in contrast to my screenname I am not really sure what I am going to do for the rest of my life. Stay in the JWdom or not. I picked my screenname 15 years ago and I am still in, so what does this say about me? (Rhetorical question ;-) Since JWdom is all I know, the "outside" worlds feels a little cold a the moment. But that might change, once I learn to know some new people.

They say that jw women outnumber available men, but a lot of these jw women are already married to unbelievers or are elderly where their jw husband already died. I am not too sure anymore if the jw women in a appropriate age for marriage really outnumber the available men.

As I said before, I still have a lot of questions and I need to find my place again and get over my marriage, so dating women (either jw or worldy) might help or even speed up the process so thats why I asked about dating sites and if anybody already had any success with it.

Just to try to explain my current mindset, I am very dissapointed with life in general because I thought that our marriage can last forever. I really thought that I had married my soul mate. Seeing that our marriage was basically a lie (how can somebody go from "I love you and I want to be with your forever" to "we shouldn't have married in the first place because we don't fit" in a matter of months?) for now I just want to determine my current "value".

19

Your opinion about dating sites?

by nevaagain in

jw
friends

i have been a jw all my life, while i also have a "spiritual divorce", which means i can remarry a jw again.

i am not sure if i want to go that route again and dating in the jw world feels like a struggle sometimes.

with all the rules.

nevaagain

I have been a JW all my life, and right now I am going through a terrible time, after my wife left me some weeks ago. While I also have a "spiritual divorce", which means I can remarry a JW again. I am not sure if I want to go that route again and dating in the JW world feels like a struggle sometimes. With all the rules. Going out alone for a coffee is a nono, going out in service alone is encouraged.

I am now ten years older from the last time I was dating so this will make the available fish in the pond even smaller. I thought about texting some female unmarried friends which I still had when I was single which I also found attractive, but it is so akward because they only knew me later with my wife on the side. The JW world feels so small sometimes ...

A JW friends of mine who was disfellowshiped for a year and used a dating site to hook up with women. I am not sure if jumping into the bed with someone will help in any way plus I still have the JW mind set, but going out on a date or two won't hurt.

So what do you think? Have you used dating sites before? Where they helpful? Or should I stay away of them?

10

Still trying to cope with my new situation (wife woke up, cheated and left)

by nevaagain in

jw
friends

as you probably might know already, i already posted some lengthy posts about my situation,here: part 1 and here: part 2 is here.. to make it short, four weeks ago, my wife confessed that she cheated on me and immediately went upstairs to pack and to leave.

this was planned from beforehand because she already managed for an apartment in a different city and a job there.

the next day she sent an email to the elders out confessing of her wrong doings and wishing to get disassociated.. as a reason why she left, she told me, that we should have never married, because we don't fit together.

nevaagain

Thank you all for the encouraging words!

OnTheWayOut: It sounds plausible what you say. It is just ... I was still the same person, cult wise or not. Thats why it came to a surprise to me, that her personality changed. Or probably it didnt change it was surpressed by the cult. It would have come out one way or not. Anyhow, could you elaborate on the "quicker way" to "move on"?

10

Still trying to cope with my new situation (wife woke up, cheated and left)

by nevaagain in

jw
friends

as you probably might know already, i already posted some lengthy posts about my situation,here: part 1 and here: part 2 is here.. to make it short, four weeks ago, my wife confessed that she cheated on me and immediately went upstairs to pack and to leave.

this was planned from beforehand because she already managed for an apartment in a different city and a job there.

the next day she sent an email to the elders out confessing of her wrong doings and wishing to get disassociated.. as a reason why she left, she told me, that we should have never married, because we don't fit together.

nevaagain

As you probably might know already, I already posted some lengthy posts about my situation,
here: part 1 and here: part 2 is here.

To make it short, four weeks ago, my wife confessed that she cheated on me and immediately went upstairs to pack and to leave. This was planned from beforehand because she already managed for an apartment in a different city and a job there. The next day she sent an email to the elders out confessing of her wrong doings and wishing to get disassociated.

As a reason why she left, she told me, that we should have never married, because we don't fit together. The truth was the only thing that bonded us together and after that was gone, there was nothing left. Funny thing is, couple of months ago when everything was still fine, she told me how good of a couple that we are and how good we fit together. Also everybody who knew us said that we were a perfect fit for each other. Anyway she was always guided by her emotions and her emotions probably told her, escape your marriage and find a new partner.

Now its been 4 weeks and I am still trying to cope with the situation. Keeping myself busy and going to work helps, the hardest part is, driving back home from whereever I used to be knowing that nobody is home waiting for you. That you will wake up the next day and still there will be nobody to talk to. I loved my wife a lot and would have never imagined that outcome. Our 8 years of marriage have not been easy, but the last 3 years looked like we finally managed it.

Before the announcement of her dissociation the elders tried to talk to her, she made me responsible for leaving. She told me, it was me who showed apostate sites to her and she gave me all the blame for losing her faith. She not only told that to the elders but to everybody who contacted her before the dissociation announcement.

I am not ready to leave the truth, I originally wanted to leave with my wife. But she had other plans, I guess I was only good enough for the truth. When she woke up, she wanted a different life, without her marriage mate. Which means, she probably didn't love me to begin with. The conclusion for me is, probably it is better that way.

The funny thing is, I haven't showed her any apostate sites for quite some time now, I think it was two years ago when I showed her something and after this we had the occassional talk. But she made it clear, that I am free to go but she would remain in. Thats why it came to me as a surprise that she woke up behind my back. My theory is, that she was somehow unhappy and wanted out of the marriage and saying that I showed her apostate sites sounded like a good excuse. It wouldn't surprise me if she would come back after a while after she experienced her freedom. She had told me very often, that she married too young and that she should have experienced her freedom longer.

Anyway, of course the elders already talked to me about the apostate websites. This caught me offguard at the beginning, as I said, I am still not ready to leave. So I needed to say something plausible to them. I thought about saying that it is all lies from my wife. Anyway I didn't say that, there was this story one year ago when our CO came for a visit with a second couple and we invited them for lunch and the other couple brought up the australian commission and the pedophiles and even the COs wife weighted in saying she knows a case in almost any congregation.

So I told the elders, that after that topic came up with the CO, I researched that topic on the internet and it also showed it to my wife. Telling them I was only on news sites and I added: "I don't know if my wife made further research on apostate sites".

So far the elders left me alone. This is also the same story I tell everyone who was contacted by my wife spreading that it was me who showed her apostate websites and thats why she left me and the truth.

In the last 4 weeks I have been only to two meetings. I will use that what happaned to me as an excuse to fade. I already hinted to the elders at the possibility that I might go to a different congregation. The brothers are still on love bombing mode trying to encourage me and even inviting me to their homes. I have declined most invitations saying that I am not ready yet, but the truth is, I don't really want with brothers from my congregation right now. I want to be with friends, who are not with me because they are sorry for me, but because they are friends.

So year, sorry for the lengthy post again, but I just wanted to get the words out of my system :-)

20

My life has ended (be careful what you wish for part 2)

by nevaagain in

jw
friends

noone and nothing can really prepare you for the burning pain you feel when your spouse leaves you after 8 years of marriage.

from one day to another, all your dreams, hopes and plans are shattered.. i still have so many questions which will remain unanswered in eternity.. the thread i made a few weeks ago, is part of this story.

after learning about ttatt my plans involved to wake up my wife as well and exit the truth.

nevaagain

Thank you all for your kind words! I appreciate them! I already feel much better than yesterday and even better than the days before. Tomorrow I am going to go on a short vacation and visit a friend for a couple of days.

20

My life has ended (be careful what you wish for part 2)

by nevaagain in

jw
friends

noone and nothing can really prepare you for the burning pain you feel when your spouse leaves you after 8 years of marriage.

from one day to another, all your dreams, hopes and plans are shattered.. i still have so many questions which will remain unanswered in eternity.. the thread i made a few weeks ago, is part of this story.

after learning about ttatt my plans involved to wake up my wife as well and exit the truth.

nevaagain

@KateWild, thank you for your encouraging words appreciate it

@eyeuse2badub, I am not saying I didn't fall in love with someone else during my marriage, but I quickly dismissed those thoughts and feelings and tried to work more in my marriage. I am not saying that "marriage is forever" but how can someone say 7,5 years into the marriage that "you are my perfect soul mate, I want to grow old with you" and half a year later, "we don't fit, we should have never married"?

Also that "marriage is forever" thinking does not only apply to jws, I know many worldly people who have a high standard of marriage.

20

My life has ended (be careful what you wish for part 2)

by nevaagain in

jw
friends

noone and nothing can really prepare you for the burning pain you feel when your spouse leaves you after 8 years of marriage.

from one day to another, all your dreams, hopes and plans are shattered.. i still have so many questions which will remain unanswered in eternity.. the thread i made a few weeks ago, is part of this story.

after learning about ttatt my plans involved to wake up my wife as well and exit the truth.

nevaagain

Noone and nothing can really prepare you for the burning pain you feel when your spouse leaves you after 8 years of marriage. From one day to another, all your dreams, hopes and plans are shattered.

I still have so many questions which will remain unanswered in eternity.

The thread I made a few weeks ago, is part of this story.

After learning about TTATT my plans involved to wake up my wife as well and exit the truth. My wife was fighting against TTATT and warned me to not get too involved. I still spoke to my parents about TTATT occassionally and my wife was probably listening.

Instead of waking up, my wife wanted us to become more active in the truth, she wanted us to become like the couples in our congregation who are pioneering together and seemed to be happy in the congregation. What she didn't understand was, to others we seemed to be the perfect happy couple.

My plans originally were to wake her up and for us to fade together, move do a different part of the city, change congregations and continue to fade so we can still continue to associate to our parents. I really wanted a slow fade.

I can not pinpoint the exact moment she woke up. We always had problems communicating to each other. While often I tried to talk to her about things, plans and feelings, not about TTATT but in general, she always kept to herself. All I know is, 6 months ago we had an amazing holiday where she still seemed to genuinely love me, just 6 months later, without a fight or anything, she left me.

It was a point after our holiday where she started to keep more to herself than she did before. She started a personal hobby of hers where she spent most of her time. While at the beginning she still let me be part of her life and we still did things together, that changed later when we seemed to have separate lifes. When I came back from work she sometimes acknowledged me with a "hi" sometimes not. When things were still good with us, her usual behaviour would be that she would message me while I was still at work to ask me when I would be home because she missed me and she wanted to prepare a meal for us to eat together, later she would instead be dissapointed seeing me at home because that meant, that I wanted to hang out with her and she couldn't engange in her hobby. Also I would have to cook for myself if I wanted to eat something. At some point in this process she started developing an exit strategy. Exit strategy from the truth, exit strategy from her marriage that means me and from all the other people which love her but happen to be in the truth.

In the last couple of weeks I saw that her whole personality changed. She became "worldly". She started to swear and she started to smoke. She had absolutely no respect for anyone or anything anymore and she acted rude against me and wanted to hurt me. Of course I wanted to talk to her and get an understanding of what is happaning and why I lost little girl that I still loved so much. She revealed that she was mad at me, because I woke her up. She lost the meaning to her life. She lost her earthly reward to live on a paradise earth and she lost the resurrection hope. All because I could not shut up to talk about TTATT. I was speechless, did I destroy our marriage because of my TTATT talk? I thought at this point that maybe I can still save my marriage, but all my actions had little to no effect. It was too late already, I didn't know it at that point, but she had already cheated on me and she already had made plans in secret to leave me.

So couple of days ago, last Friday, when I came back from work she made the big reveal that weeks ago she cheated on me out of revenge because I destroyed her dreams and that now she needs to leave. She didn't give me an oppurtunity to forgive her. She just wanted to leave. Apparently she had already found a place to stay and a place to work in a different city. She told me that originally she wanted to leave me in two months in secret but her mother caught wind that her spirituality had weakened in an alarming rate and started calling the elders to help her. This had the opposite effect and just made her want to escape.

She already sent a letter to the elders to disassociate herself from the watchtower and also mentioned that she was unfaithful. She also texted a few of our friends that she left me, which of course lead to them asking me what happaned.

What an irony, isn't it? I thought with TTATT my wife and I can wake up together and escape. Instead, she woke up and made plans to escape without me. And now I am still left in the truth hurting without a plan to escape. I have people in the truth inviting me to their homes for a coffee and asking how they can help me no. I have a feeling that I lost a big gamble. I not only lost my life, my wife I also lost my way out of this religion. Now I can only count on my friends in the truth to cheer me up.

In the end, I don't accept that I am responsible for all this. My wife was never really in the truth and always wanted to do worldy things. She mentioned to me a few times that she married too young and that she didn't live her singleness long enough. Also she started saying that we are not fit for each other never had and we shouldn't have had married. The funny thing is, that some 6 months ago she said the exact opposite.

Smoking was always a weak point through all our marriage, she smoked for a little bit before we met (she was baptised) and stopped but it remained a weak point and a few years ago I had caught her again flirting with another guy on facebook. So she probably already thought back then about ending our marriage the one or the other way. TTATT was just a convient way to give me the blame.

When I think back about my marriage, not all of the 8 years were happy years. We had many problems at the beginning and very often we were on the verge to give up. During our marriage, whenever I thought about us breaking up, I tried to think about the very next day. How I would feel. So a lot of times I was already preparing myself for the worst. But the last 3 years of our marriage, we seemed to finally have settled. We stopped having big fights we had finally grown into our marriage, finally I could say I am happily married. At one point we were even thinging about kids. Matter of fact, until 6 months ago we tried to become pregnant.

I will probably get the blame that I am a coward for not leaving the truth alone when I woke up. I can say I am guilty for that point, but I am also guilty for loving my wife more than the truth or more than TTATT. I always wanted for us to do the things together and accomplish things together, finally I wanted to grow old with my wife one way or another.