It's not a sudden change.
I was brought up as a witness and did everything that was expected of me. I pioneered as soon as I left school and went to 3 pioneer schools over the years.
All my family are witnesses and I come from one of those families where everybody is related to me through marriages etc.
I left home and shared a flat with a fellow pioneer and served in 4 congregations over the years.
I was made an elder 12 years ago and as you have gathered I am not particularly wise but I was very caring. I tried to do my best for the congregation and was known for my encouraging shepherding calls and offering practices assistance was well as spiritual. I'm not saying that to blow my own trumpet. I was a single man who tried to make up my lack of authority and speaking ability by being good at other things instead.
I got engaged 3 years ago and to save money I moved out of the flat I shared back into my parents.
I soon realised it was a huge mistake to get engaged as we weren't compatible. That's when things started to go wrong. I was doing all I could to delay the marriage date and was getting so much pressure from the CO and the elders. They said it affected my freedom of speech and my position as an elder even though nobody could show me any scriptual evidence of this or anything from the publications which gave a time limit.
After a letter sent to all body of elders asking them to review the positions of the elders I was told I could no longer take the wt because of freedom of speech issues.
I realised that people would rather see me enter into an unhappy marriage rather than end my engagement although some on the body did support me.
it caused huge divisions in the congregation when I ended the relationship and people showed their true colours.
The doubts I had suppressed about the truth began to surface.
The way we were meant to deal with child abuse disturbed me and we had a big case locally that made national news and it was a terrible time.
my main lightbulb moment was in a wt about 6 years ago which said that Jehovah had the ability to look into the future when he first started his creation but chose not to and created us anyway. (That was in contradiction to the scripture that said he looked at the breadth width and height of anything that he created.)
That statement shook me to the core as I saw all the suffering of people down the centuries and I'm being told that he could see that was going to happen if he wanted to but chose not to.It haunted me for example when I saw 12.years a slave and saw what terrible call cruelty people had to endure for years and yet he did nothing to help (again in contradiction to the scripture that said to do good to those you have the power to help).
I also thought the god in the Hebrew Scriptures was petulant and murderous. Killing not just the people offended him but also their families and offspring.
I started to attend less and less meetings and made the mistake of trying to express my doubts. Immediately the shutters came down and any compassion was replaced with irritation and annoyance.
I am now trying to backtrack and play the depression card to buy me some time and limit the damage I've done in previous meetings with them.
So that's my story. I'm marked, have no association with anybody and am avoided like the plague.
